AIBU or is he dead inside

[Grindinghog]

This evening I was building furniture in another room. One of the parts fell, hit me in the face/mouth and clattered to the floor.

OH asks from the other room - are you okay? I said no.

He walks into the room, I'm crouched on the floor holding my face (with tears streaming down my face) and explained that it had hit me in the mouth.

He stood for a second, then our child came in the room and he left with her.

AIBU to have expected bit more compassion? He didn't even come in the fucking room properly, didn't ask if he could help or to look and assess if there was any real damage etc.

Sorry to say but it sounds from you've said that he was shielding himself from any effort/care towards you. Not your DD from trauma.

I grew up partly on a working farm and travelling a lot and my dad worked at home as a carpenter, so I'm sure you can imagine there were quite a few accidents. If my dad had walked away from mum when she hurt herself and I'd witnessed it THAT would have traumatised me than being led away from my mum when I could see she was in pain!

Potential trauma? What a leap.

Not exactly modelling desirable behaviour, either.

"Ooh, Mummy's hurt and bleeding. Let's not help her, eh?"

I genuinely think this might be my "dishes by the sink" moment. I can't bear to sleep in the same bed as him tonight, I feel so resentful.

@pikkumyy77 exactly this. Kids need to know they're a united front (assuming still married!)

'As for the one who thinks children need protection from trauma: sure but they need to know that their parents can take care of each ither and manage small household crises even more'

I’m so sorry you are going through this but if it is your “dishes” moment I hope you will soon feel like you have removed an enormous millstone from around your neck. Why waste a minute of your precious life with someone who is too indifferent to even pretend to care?

That's the thing.
As a child I'd take away from this that my dad will never have my back if I get hurt and he'll never give comfort in diffcult/sad/painful situations.

The same how I learned not to confide in short-tempered adults (even if never aimed at me) just in case I somehow incur their wrath.

It's a dysfunctional behaviour on display by OP's husband and much more traumatic than someone crying over stubbed toe, twisted ankle or bumped lip.

if your relationship is in the doldrums then his behaviour is unlikely to change much. Has it always been like this?

There is absolutely no point in being married to someone who can't even pretend to give a fuck about you. He has so little value for you that he can't even manage to fake it.

Fuck that. A literal stranger would show you more concern.

The only person this man was protecting from trauma was himself. I'd hazard a guess he removed the child so he/she also couldn't comfort the OP.

YANBU at all.

Yes he bl@@dy did!

Mummy's hurt and crying, but we're not going to do anything to help her.

Or show any concern. That's the bit that's missing here. He showed no concern.

@Rhaidimiddim you're right, if he had left but spoken to me from the other room to check in again after leaving I wouldn't be feeling this way.

My DH is exactly the same. Zero empathy for me, plenty for other people. I often used to joke that if we were in a car crash, he'd be more concerned about the people in the other car than me. Ultimately the joke was on him: we were in a car crash and I was more concerned about the people in the other car than I was about him. You reap what you sow. His lack of empathy for spares me bothering to have any for him.

NB: I know I am not describing a particularly happy or healthy relationship.

@nevernote I'm really sorry you also have to experience this kind of life. It's soul destroying.

Frequently (daily) when I'm speaking to him about our child, or my day or anything really, he doesn't even look up to acknowledge that I'm talking or respond.

There have been times I've stopped mid sentence to see if he would notice and he doesn't.

My daughter saw me take a tumble from my horse and hurt my wrist when she was four. My husband rushed straight to me, daughter came too, and together they wiped my tears and tended to me. It taught my daughter compassion, it taught her that mum is human and cries and has bad moments but that everything will be ok, it taught her that dad will come to the rescue. She's 16 now and remembers it positively, because she felt really grown up helping dad make mum feel better.

Honestly, there is always, always one person who will leap on a thread and immediately do some mental gymnastics to try and defend men's shit behaviour when the rest of us can read between the lines and see that this is the straw, not an isolated incident. I'm so sorry OP, coldness and disinterest in you are not virtuous and you're right to feel hurt.

I get you. I am so very sorry for your situation.

A lifetime ago, when I was 9 months pregnant, my then-husband decided he wanted to cook the Sunday roast. He wanted to practice for hosting his friend's* 30th later that month.

Hero cooking (he never cooked) so every sodding pan out, stuff strewn everywhere, mess, mess, mess....

I asked if I could help. He said yup, open.tje wine, let it breathe. I slipped in the grease ( seriously, he got cooking oil of the floor) and I ended up on the floor, a pregnant whale in a mess of red wine and shattered glass. He reacted by being pissed off at the mess of the shattered wine - no concern for me at all.

Look up.narcissist personality disorder, do some of the questionnaires, see if some bells ring.

• Found out 3 months later he was having an affair with her

Are you married to a medic? I’d have to be dying to merit attention over an injury. It’s annoying.

@bozzabollix congratulations to you for being so tough and independent 👏🏼

I really hope it is your dishes moment.
You are clearly wasting your life away.

Jesus fucking Christ 😂

Eh? I wish I didn’t have to be. It’d be lovely to have a bit of sympathy, I was just pondering whether that was why your husband was behaving in that way. But you’ve obviously taken it as self congratulatory. It’s anything but.

I think you misconstrued what that poster was saying. Those of us who are or are married to or related to people who are medics/doctors will know that they have the least compassion for any injuries or illnesses at home. It’s probably compassion fatigue because of their job or because they see people at the serious end of the scale all the time, so don’t have much time for anything minor.

Sorry 😞 I've woken up in a foul mood and I did misunderstand. He's not a medic he works in the construction industry

I couldn't be with someone who showed no emotions or love, that's the bare minimum.

Exactly the same here. My DH seems to think responding to a comment or even a question from me is optional. Sometimes I do the same to him, and of course he doesn't like it and insists I answer.