Co parenting with someone I still love

[ARaspberryberet]

I'm finding this difficult. Co parent well together, and the children are happy but I'm finding it all very difficult. Seeing my ex call to our home to collect the kids and drop them home is hard, seeing him at the kids school events football games etc with his new partner is very hard. He left me after a very long time together and just went straight into something else and 2 years later I'm still no further on emotionally. I get butterflies when I see him. There's no hate for him although I wish I could because he turned my world upside down. I was forced into being a single mum and losing my best friend and the only life I know. I'm more hurt than have any hate in me towards him.
We communicate really well but I once made the mistake of answering a late night call from him and he had been drinking. He spoke about his regret of walking away but said in the moment he didn't think we were salvageable and he pursued something else because of that and he is where he is for that reason but it had a lot of blame on me when I already blame myself as it is.
He said he still loved me wishes things had of turned out differently. That he sees his own faults too. Told me I'm a great mum and says he finds it hard seeing me too and me seeing him with his new partner. He said we need to keep connected incase we can ever return to one another. I obviously know he doesn't mean that, and it's prob as a way to keep me hanging and shamefully so far it's done the trick if I'm being truly honest.
I really miss him, I miss my family being together, I hate being alone every other weekend feeling like I'm not a mother for 2 days. I miss our chats, I miss our laughs. I'm insanely jealous, compare myself and just envy the new partner and I shouldn't. She seems really lovely and the kids really like her and I trust her with the kids etc I'm just jealous she has my life, my partner and my children every other weekend. I loved him so much. I'm just finding so hard to adjust along side co parenting with someone I love abd someone who shatters my heart everytime I see him. I hide it from the kids and everyone else how I really feel. I just put a mask on and pretend but I'm destroyed inside. I always have to have a good cry after seeing him. This isn't how I imagined my life. I cant even think about seeing other people or anything like that and I'm 2 years single while he's 2 years with someone. Please tell me I'm going to recover from this somehow without going insane or crumbling anymore than I already am.

If I never had to see him again I'd be fine, but Co parenting when you still massively love someone so much and that you'd love to have a chance to fix things with and can't is so hard. It's hard to hear your children talk about the other home and how wonderful dad's new life is when you're still struggling with losing the whole world you built with this man. I feel just so replaceable. Please tell me someday I can Co parent with this man without my emotions being romantically attached to it as well because my heart just can't take much more

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

Go out there and fuck someone totally unsuitable but hot as hell. Don't take their number, don't give them yours, just re-break your self-imposed chastity.

😆😆 Thankyou @EvenMoreFuriousVexation you made me laugh. But Is that saying really true?? Does having no strings attached fun help deal with crap like this or is it really better to just heal??

I think you need to detach from him op and take a step back, he is indeed keeping you hanging on and why is he calling you so much late at night as well, what does his new partner think of this?
I mean this kindly but I think your still codependent on him a bit, and you need to focus on yourself.

If he comes to the door polite nod and smile, no conversation, or if the kids are old enough let them walk out to him or his car while you watch on and then shut your front door. Only communicate about the kids and nothing else now, put those boundaries in place so it allows yourself to move on.
I think you deserve another chance of happiness with someone else, it was his choice to leave let him live with that decision.

'We need to stay connected in case we return to one another'

That is awful from him. Hes not a decent person saying that it's so unfair on you and also on the new gf he doesn't seem to respect either of you but just wants the ego boost of you both wanting him. I have got the ick.

But anyway, onto you-

Therapy (get it for free via gp or work)
Have a glow up - exercise hair and clothing update, start wearing fake tan and get your teeth whitened or straightened, lift weights. All such a confidence boost.
Sort your home out - declutter and make it amazing.
Do something just for you like a hobby.
Once you've done these things and your confidence is up, get dating!!!

Whenever a thought about your ex pops into your head, consciously decide to turn your thoughts to the list I just wrote.

I feel you OP.
I'm the same almost 3 years later and after fully divorced.
I wish I knew the answer. Well I do know the answer but there's no decent men out there for a late 40s woman, unless you want to date a fossil.
It's very very painful.

He sounds like a fucking arsehole to me. What was he doing ringing you up like that? Keeping you on the hook? I’m angry for you OP. And you should be too. He left you. Pissed off and left you. He doesn’t sound like a nice person.

Reduce all contact. Tell him why. Tell him after that phone call you need to keep him at arms length. So business only. No chit chat.

And start dating. Get out and meet people. Take up a hobby. Live your life, we only get one.

This sounds absolutely brutal OP and so very very hurtful.

It is extremely unfair for him to have implied there might be a future for you whilst setting up life with a new partner. He should never have done that.

Whilst you refuse to let go it will not stop hurting. You have to make the active decision to detach and choose to move on. That will probably involve having less contact, restricting it to the absolute minimum. Actively avoiding occasions he might be present and not entering into conversations unless explicitly about the kids. This isn’t to be petty, it is to allow you some space to start healing.

Therapy would be useful if it’s affordable to you.

Nothing will change unless you bring your head into reality and not your imagination - he has left and whilst there is probably some regret on his part, it can never be undone and it can be never be changed. The reality of your life is that the person you loved no longer wants you to love them. Stay grounded in the present, focus on what your future will look like when you no longer love him and start making small steps to let go of the past.

It’s hard and it’s painful but you deserve to be happy too

He said we need to keep connected incase we can ever return to one another.

He’s a disgusting, faithless head-fucker and I feel sorry for both you and his new girlfriend.

You need to grey rock him. Reduce contact to an absolute minimum and only discuss the children, the traffic or the weather.

You have to mentally treat him as though he’s dead as much as possible and pour your energy into building a nice, happy life for yourself.

Don’t be jealous of the new partner; I’m sorry to say that her turn to be dumped will probably come given the sleazy way he’s trying to keep his options open with you.

Well I do know the answer but there's no decent men out there for a late 40s woman, unless you want to date a fossil.

@Lookingforunicorns This is neither true nor helpful to the OP.

Agree it might not be helpful @CheekyHobson but sadly it does seem to be true.

I think you need to take a step back and try and limit interaction with him. Less blurring of lines no chats not related to children.
Embrace the positives so a new hobby when children are away.
Good luck.

@Lookingforunicorns I’m a late-40s woman who has found a wonderful partner the same age as me so I’m afraid I can’t agree.

It's true in the UK though.

It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself OP. This man walked away from the life you had built for you and your child, the future you had planned together. Two years really isn’t a long time in the grand scheme of things (especially when you are raising young children). It is perfectly reasonable to still be coming to terms with your new reality and grieving for the life you had together. You will get there eventually.

The drunken phone call was heinous thing for him to do (and not at all your fault for picking up by the way!) He obviously knows you still have feelings for him and it is really cruel to taunt you with talk of reconciliation when he is the one who left. As you say he wants to keep you hanging.

When you do move on and start seeing some one new, be prepared for his attitude towards you to change. He will probably become really threatened when he realises you are no longer holding out for him. At the moment, the life he left is still there waiting for him should he decide to return - once he realises you’ve moved on and that life is gone for good he will have a huge wake up call. Just know that he is no longer your problem to deal with.

For now, try to start focusing on yourself and what you want from life and a future relationship. Even the ‘perfect’ partner has their flaws - if you find yourself missing him and wallowing - try to think of the parts of the relationship you don’t miss and are glad you no longer have to tolerate (even if it’s small silly things like smelly shoes or snoring or skid marks in the toilet). Soon you’ll start to remember all the bigger irritations and inconsiderate behaviours and will hopefully start to feel better about being rid of him.

I feel for you, OP. You are a decent loving person but you love a man who is the opposite. His behaviour, not just leaving you and DC but stringing you along with hints that he might still love you, shows that he is cruel and selfish.

Please try to remember that, and cut your communication with him to the minimum necessary to coparent.

He’s hurting you so much. Give yourself a chance to heal.

He sounds like a dickhead.
How often do you have to see him? Is he only taking the kids EOW?

He sounds like a cruel man.

Cruel for treating you the way he did and still cruel for 'phoning you and saying all those things.

He's all about himself, isn't he? Indulging himself whenever he wants.

However, it's so so so hard for you to bear all this.

If you can face dating again, then just have a look and try it. Don't talk about your ex when dating though! Don't divulge any details.

Also what interests of your own do you have? What do you do when your dcs are with your ex?

I think you should start really indulging you!

This is absolutely the best advice anyone can give you so I second this. Do all of these things and you will feel so much better. You might notice that he will be very aware of what he is missing once you do but stay strong and remember how he has walked away from his family. Get out there and meet someone else once your confidence is up, do not have him back.

What a cruel, self centred wanker.

How selfish can you get honestly.

Good advice here and mine is just to add time to the list.

Take care.

I promise you you are not alone .
I dont like his get back together thread, its not fair on you.
You need to pour into you know. He has some regrets but you deserve more than that surely.

It is so hard though every time theyre nice or you feel that attraction you think " What if ".
Dont waste yrs if you were meant to be reunited it wld happen , not because ur sat around waiting whilst hes moved on.

Really love you itll get easier you wont care so much in time . Lots of love xx

This is ridiculous! It might be crap and she’ll just feel even worse!

One of my friend's husbands left her for another woman when she was in her late forties and she said exactly the same thing as you. Then she got together with a guy she knew from university and they are blissfully happy. In the UK. It can happen for you and the op.

Just to note butterfly's in your stumach is anxiety I wouldn't class that as a feeling towards him

This is awful advice.

zombie thread.

Why have you answered a thread from a year ago?