Why does my mum irritate me so much

[BG2015]

I'm 55 and my mum is 79.I love my mum (in fact both my parents are lovely) . She is an amazing , kind supportive person. She's always been there for me through my divorce and then a serious relationship breakdown.

My parents have helped tremendously and without question with my two DS when they were small (they are now adults). They have been amazing grandparents.

But, she irritates me SO much. My DP and I are currently living with them (next week will be the 8th week) whilst we wait for our house purchase to go through, and we are so grateful to them for helping us out but it's made me realise some of the strange and irritating things she does.

I was out with my friend for lunch yesterday and she too lived with her parents a couple of years ago whilst waiting for an extension to be completed and she said she totally gets where I'm coming from. She said she even had a blazing row with her mum at one point.

I'd love to know how a psychologist would explain this, how we can love someone so much but be so totally irritated by them and question the weird things they do.

Is it to do with the unconditional love/relationship we have? Can anyone explain it?

I visit my parents every few months and stay for a few nights. They annoy the shit out of me to start with, probably mostly as I have to adapt to their way of doing things, then I seem to be able to tolerate it. I tell myself I will do anything one day to have them annoy me, once gone.

I'm convinced it's an evolutionary thing, we're supposed to move out and do our own thing otherwise we would never have expanded across the globe!!

My DP lost his mum at 18 and tells me all the time he would love to see and speak to his mum again.

I know one day I will feel the same but for now having ALL the appliances (including the dishwasher plug which is in the back of a cupboard ) switched off at the plug is weird.

Everyone gets fed up with their parents OP, especially if you're living with them as an adult. It's perfectly normal.

In the big scheme of things those little irritations are really not important.For now just abide by your Mum's rules and keep your annoyance to yourself.
Your parents sound lovely, be grateful you've had so much support plus somewhere to live whilst the house goes through.It's not easy to share your home with adult offspring ( as l know from experience!)
One day in the not too distant future you will look back fondly on those little idiosyncrasies.

Sorry not easy obviously!

I don't know what it is about that relationship that causes it. I have a wonderful muminlaw. She'll do things that I don't even register but will have my equally lovely sister in law raging! My mum drives me bonkers too!

I am extremely grateful- that isn't the point of my post.

But I am reassured that other people feel the same.

You sound like a nightmare daughter!

Your poor Mum.

Maybe start to reflect on what sort of a person you are and if you would be as accommodating to your kids as your Mum has been to you.

A simple resolution to your current irritated predicament. Be an adult. Rent a house or an Airbnb! You are in your fifties!!!!!

BTW saying you love someone and then saying they irritate the hell out of you is manipulative and abusive.

I worked with someone who had her child and his spouse move in while they were getting an extension. She found it so hard. Must have had the patience of a saint. Your parents will be finding you just as irritating, no doubt, but keeping quiet for family harmony.

BTW saying you love someone and then saying they irritate the hell out of you is manipulative and abusive

Nonsense. What a melodramatic comment. You appear to be seriously misguided about what constitutes 'abusive' or 'manipulative'. It's entirely normal to sometimes find someone you love irritating, especially when you're thrust into close quarters. The OP is clearly enormously fond of her mother as a human being, and grateful for a roof over her head, she's just chafing against some of her domestic oddities when living with her for months in adulthood.

Though I will admit that when we suddenly found ourselves homeless when a house purchase fell through at the last minute and we had to leave our short-term rental, neither DH nor I considered for a single second living with our parents. Blood would have been shed. We shelled out mad amounts of money we could ill spare for an AirBnb.

I was waiting for someone like you to make a comment like this.
I hesitated posting anything.

You know nothing about me or what sort of person I am.

My mum and I are very close, but she still annoys me. I no doubt annoy her too.

Yes, exactly. I am driven nuts by my parents having the TV blaring unwatched in the living room, one radio blaring unlistened to in the kitchen, and often another radio at top volume in a bedroom (tiny cottage, so all three noise sources are within 20 feet of one another), but I feel sure my turning them down or off is equally irritating to them, and it's their house.

I think we get used to our own spaces, doing things in our own way and running our lives to suit us. When we get other adults in close proximity it is bound to be irritating - because they don't do things our way and don't see why they should!

My parents are long gone, but I occasionally have one or two of my adult kids and/or their partners staying with me and I find it very hard not to revert to 'being Mum' and telling them how and when they should do everything, including what time to go to bed. I KNOW how annoying they would find this and try to bite my tongue, but sometimes....
and then they go home and I miss them. Humans, eh?

I could never stay with my parents for more than a fortnight and I had a good relationship with them. I think that’s pretty normal tbh!

I think these sorts of irritations are more about women having mastery over their own homes and in particular the kitchen (generally but not always). Too many cooks and all of that. Edited to say : I know that sounds sexist - it obviously doesn’t apply to every woman. But I can’t share kitchens with my sisters and nor them with me!

Sorry op but I have to say I wouldn’t have moved in with my nearly 80 year old parent for eight weeks, even if they had invited me. Isn’t it time roles were reversed?

But leaving that aside, I think irritation occurs because they are set in their routines, possibly their world has shrunk
a bit, they take longer to do everything etc etc. You have other roles and pressures outside of the home. So your objectives and time pressures are different.

Either way, I know you are grateful, but you can’t really take hospitality with one hand hand and criticise it with the other!

Other than that, it’s normal to be irritated imho bc you inevitability sink back in to parent-daughter roles when in fact you are now equally independent adults. So the power dynamic is off.

She is probably irritated by you too and is mentioning similar things to her friends! It’s inevitable that when you stay with someone, that there is an imposition of some sort, even if you are really careful, we all impose on others even if it just our physical presence that does this. She sounds like a great mum!

Oh FFS, what a load of shite. Everything is called abusive on MN these days...

Vent away OP, it's hard even when you love someone immensely. Just think, she's probably grumbling about the way you do things too, it's totally normal.
Especially when you are not used to the way they do things.

Like a previous posters said, it's probably to help push us out into the world and make our own way.

Hopefully it won't be too long before you have your own space again. You can absolutely be grateful to her and still find it difficult some days.

It's the fact that you can't tell them off like you can your kids or DH! You just have to grit your teeth and put up with them having keypad sounds on their phone/ putting your things away in the wrong place / leaving lights on/ switching your wifi off by accident!

I only have a tv in the lounge - can’t stand a blaring tv all day.
and turning all plugs off at the wall - nuts

My mum turns off all the plugs, even the kettle. Drives me mad - I'm obviously abusive!

Familiarity breeds contempt.

You are normal, not abusive or manipulative!!

My mam drove me around the bend but I wish she were still here..

My mum is the most irritating person I know.

Everyone else thinks she's great.

🥰🥰🥰

I wish I knew. I love my mum but she irritates the shit out of me! I live in fear of this happening with my own daughters.

As long as she doesn’t switch off the fridge and freezer!

I'm extremely close to my DD, but we both know that we couldn't live with each other. If she comes on holiday with us, I bite my tongue and do as I'm told for a week.

Our close people can irritate us sometimes - very normal. However the best response is an eye roll and acceptance unless the relationship is toxic or destructive.

You sound pretty ungrateful and petulant really. The turning the plug off thing sounds eccentric and worth a chuckle at most. She’s obviously done masses of supporting over the years.