Why does my mum irritate me so much

[BG2015]

I'm 55 and my mum is 79.I love my mum (in fact both my parents are lovely) . She is an amazing , kind supportive person. She's always been there for me through my divorce and then a serious relationship breakdown.

My parents have helped tremendously and without question with my two DS when they were small (they are now adults). They have been amazing grandparents.

But, she irritates me SO much. My DP and I are currently living with them (next week will be the 8th week) whilst we wait for our house purchase to go through, and we are so grateful to them for helping us out but it's made me realise some of the strange and irritating things she does.

I was out with my friend for lunch yesterday and she too lived with her parents a couple of years ago whilst waiting for an extension to be completed and she said she totally gets where I'm coming from. She said she even had a blazing row with her mum at one point.

I'd love to know how a psychologist would explain this, how we can love someone so much but be so totally irritated by them and question the weird things they do.

Is it to do with the unconditional love/relationship we have? Can anyone explain it?

Honestly op, you'll be irritating each other, guaranteed. It won't be just one way. Remember it is you encroaching on your dm's space, and not the other way around. Could you rent somewhere, or stay in a travel lodge? Not many people have the option to stay with parents, nevermind in their 50s, and them both being alive.

I lost a parent who was younger than yours, i am younger than you (too young to have a parent dead), and honestly those little niggles are now the parts I realise I loved the most (despite them driving me crazy at the time). What i wouldn't give for my parent to walk through the door, faults and all.
Hug your Mum! When it gets irritating go for a walk.

All sorts of people can irritate you when you are pushed into close contact with them. House mates can be awful but you don’t tend to expect as much of them. Even sexual partners don’t always last. We are fickle creatures in some ways and I think the timing has to be just right for both parties when they start living together for them to fit together, grow at the same time, be open to each other and flexible enough. Otherwise we find our set ways brushing up against their set ways and it niggles. That niggle isn’t anything you have a right to be upset about so if you don’t realise what’s happening and open yourself up to being flexible and maybe talking about it, it irritates. And with parents we have a lot of baggage, history and expectation.

It’s easily done. When we move to be near my PiL they put us up until our place was ready. They were hugely accommodating giving us their bedroom (as we had two little kids too) and sleeping on the couch. Getting up early and making the lounge up for the day. MiL cooked us breakfast every morning and dinner in the evening (we offered to cook but were turned down. We took them out when they’d let us). My DH swears we stayed with them for an excruciating 3 months. But it was actually only 3 weeks. He was genuinely surprised when I corrected him during a rant one evening because it had seemed interminable to him.

Possibly, she finds you annoying too!

No doubt indeed.

Totally agree you sound like a drama queen OP. Your parent's house, their rules. If it irritates you so much, move into rented. Just be grateful they are putting up with you.

In a primitive/biological/nature sense, I think we are programmed to find our parents irritating from teenage years onwards, it's natures way of ensuring we "leave the nest". If we didn't find them annoying we would stay with them forever with no incentive to ever leave.
Beyond that, how much time we spend with them is a choice, and it's different for everyone depending on how much tolerance we have and how the relationship is. We can choose to spend time with them and choose to leave.
You have put yourself back in the nest. It's not that your mother is irritating, it's that you are back in her nest after you've left it.

I feel the same way about my mum OP, no idea why, somehow she bugs the shit out of me. It's got to be biological. I spoke to another friend about this, and she feels the same way about her mum. . I really have to override my feelings when we are together. Both our mums are lovely 😍 got to be a daughter mum thing and is pretty common I believe ❤️

Also, I'm not in my mum's nest and she still irritates me 😆

People's habits and living with them can be difficult and trying.
Fussy or pedantic people.
It is human nature to sometimes clash or find it difficult.
You are living together you see a lot more.
I would find mine overbearing and nosy.

Philippa Perry answered a question like this in her advice column a few weeks ago:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/jun/23/why-am-i-so-angry-when-im-with-my-mother

Philippa Perry explains it well

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/jun/23/why-am-i-so-angry-when-im-with-my-mother

@scoolio apologies I hadn't read the full thread and hadn't seen you'd already linked to the article.

The 'turning the plug off' thing - my MIL recently had a safety visit from fire brigade and her carers were told to do this.
Everyone I know does this when an appliance is not in use / overnight.

What is the dramatic thing that OP has done? Have I missed a post somewhere?

I expect your mum is also greatly irritated by you, tbh.

I’d forgotten the turning plugs off at the wall thing 😂 If we watched TV after parents had gone to bed as teenagers my Dad used to get up in the middle of the night to check we’d turned it off at the wall! I’m sure he’d still do that now and it would drive me nuts. Also you must wait for teabags to cool down before putting in the bin.

OP, I think it’s normal to feel like this and you just have to grin and bear it, at least you’re not staying with them indefinitely.

They have solar panels so that's why they turn everything off at the plug.

There was no point in renting anywhere as it's only been for a few weeks, they are returning the favour as they lived with us for 3 months whilst their house was being renovated.

They would have been very hurt if we had refused their offer and rented somewhere, we are the type of family where we pull together.

DH and FIL had a huge falling out over the plugs turned off at the wall thing.

Luckily they made up before FIL died.

BTW saying you love someone and then saying they irritate the hell out of you is manipulative and abusive.

Of all the bollocks I’ve read on MN over the years, this must come close to being top of the pile of bollocks!

This response speaks volumes. Here's an idea though. If your mum irritates you so much, stopping accepting her hospitality and pay your own way in life.