Help?

[Namechangeforquestion1]

Good points
Would never cheat
Stable job and works hard
Kind
Level headed
Calm
Good father to his adult children
Similar interests to me
Likes holidays as I do

Negative points
Unable to make decisions
Never takes the lead
Never says he loves me unless I say it first

We don't live together.

Have 'seen' each other for 5 years in October. Mainly weekends, and go away for weekends and holidays. My children grown up too.

What do you want help with ?
you’ve written a list where the positives outweigh the negatives

youre going to need to give more context

Is it that the honeymoon period has ended and I'm getting bored or thinking that's it.

Do you plan on loving together ?

Seeing someone for five years only at weekends has never tested the relationship

I've tried to give additional content.

Is that it for this relationship, I'm wondering if I just hot bored and I'm being unreasonable. I don't have lots of friends and see him every weekend.

If you’re bored and the relationship isn’t giving you what you want and need YANBU to end it
you can finish a relationship for any reason

@rubyslippers unlikely to live together. We live about an hour and half drive. Jobs in my area for me and he works hybrid.

His plan is retire in 3 years early then rethink

Then what is your plan
this is a part time relationship which may suit some people

I don't know what I want. I think there's something wrong with me, sometimes I think I want a full on relationship then other times weekend only so I have space.

I have a push pull type problem. Probably due to unsecured attachment since childhood

Previous to this I had a relationship for 32 years with children, married. I ended that.

You don’t need to have any form of relationship. That’s also an option
use time and headspace to work on yourself and your needs and that will pay off

Trouble is, I also think I'm unreasonable and over critical. It feels stupid to end it and then regret it.

You must have discussed what the pair of you would like to do in the future? Do you plan on living together ?

Is there a big age gap?

Don’t think the grass is greener on the other side because it might not be but don’t let that stop you finding out.

Some women would give their high teeth to have the space you get from your chap.

If he won’t make decisions he can’t complain when you take the lead.

When you take the lead you get the control. Some partners would be glad to have that.

Presumably day to day activities snd holiday destinations? Some women would prefer it that way. Your choice your way.

If you go it alone, unless you are very confident, solo holidays can be very expensive and lonesome.

Stop saying you love him. See if he notices and see if he asks why you’re not saying if any more.
To him your relationship might be “better than nothing” because he’s too lazy to go looking again if you break up?

I don’t envy what you’re feeling about your current situation so without adding too much about my experiences, can empathise with your dilemma.

What your attachment style is doing isn't 'making you unsure about whether to stay in a relationship', or giving you a 'push-pull' issue that affects your relationships.

What your attachment style is doing is putting you in a position where, when things in a relationship feel off, or wrong, or uncomfortable, or anything else other than 'right', you feel that it might be because there is a fault in you, and that you need to fix it before you can see clearly what's going on.

If you remove that 'perhaps I'm faulty and need to fix myself', you're left with the truth. You have a relationship in which you sometimes feel good, and sometimes not, and that's not what you want.

I used to do the same thing. If my partner was unhappy with me, I felt myself to be at fault. If I was unhappy with my partner, I felt myself to be at fault. The fact is, nobody needs to be at fault. If you get bored watching action films, it's not action films' fault, or yours. If you get bored going swimming, it's not swimming's problem, and it's not yours. If you find apples boring to eat, it doesn't mean that you or apples need 'have a look at yourselves'. You have your preferences, and you make your choices accordingly, right?

Jus 1 year between us

Not really discussed. I did make it very clear I wasn't looking to live with anyone. He likes independent women. I'm very independent financially, etc

Thank you. I'll try that. I do think a bit that he is lazy and I'm better than nothing.

Stop saying you love him. See if he notices and see if he asks why you’re not saying if any more

Any advice to 'test' your partner in this way is poor advice. If you want to know something about your partner's feelings, you ask, and you trust the response. Anything that deviates from this indicates a poor relationship.

Thanks. I see what you are saying. I'm a people pleaser and try to fix things. Things slways have to be 'right'. I struggle when things don't feel right. I do suffer from massive highs and lows and little in between.

OK thanks.

I ask and he says he loves me. He struggles to express his feelings.

Do you feel you are settling OP?

I ask and he says he loves me

Yes, but you don't trust that this means what you want it to mean, do you? He could say he loves you, and to him, that could mean something completely different from what you need in a relationship. I could say I loved you, couldn't I, but it wouldn't mean your needs were met.