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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner keeps calling me a bad mum

35 replies

Mumbum1990 · 12/07/2024 20:45

I’m 7 months pregnant, I have 3 children and my partner has one from a previous relationship. My youngest two are with him. I’ve always struggled with what I now am pretty sure is adhd. My partner was the typical love bombing person at the beginning. He hooked me and then treated me like crap. I kept being stupid and taking him back, and things have just kept happening to basically make me feel completely trapped. I have a terrible relationship with my parents, and at the moment I feel like I’m going crazy with feeling alone. He treats his child from a previous relationship better than our kids, which makes things really strained every time they’re here, especially when that’s what I had to deal with growing up. The last 3 weeks have been hell. I’m finding things difficult to cope with, and just can’t bite my tongue when things are upsetting me. He tells me he should kick the crap out of me, how my kids will see how much of a psycho I am, how nobody cares about me and no wonder my parents have always treated me like crap. I honestly feel so alone, and when I asked him to leave, he has outright refused. Saying he will screw me over with my benefits and make me lose everything. I’m currently losing a family member which is really messing with my head, and he keeps telling me I’m sick and wrong for being upset with him about other stuff on top of that. I just don’t know what to do anymore. He won’t leave, my financial situation is horrendous thanks to him, and even though he isn’t on the tenancy he’s trying to make me leave instead. I'm a SAHM but am trying to build my business up, I’m exhausted, and honestly not sure if it’s all me being this awful person, or if it’s him. He does cook sometimes, but I do everything else round the house… I’ve not really got any friends anymore since being with him… all my friends can’t stand him. I am just lost, he’s trying to make me think my kids are better off without me…

OP posts:
Treesinthewind · 12/07/2024 21:43

I’m so sorry you’re being treated like this. You absolutely do not deserve it and it sounds incredibly abusive. Have you got any midwife appointments coming up soon, as you could raise this with them and see what support is available.

RantyMcRanterton · 12/07/2024 21:46

I am so sorry, do tell your midwife and ask for help in getting him out of your house.

Yupppp · 12/07/2024 23:12

He is an abuser, that’s why you are feeling the feelings that you describe. One thing I can promise you is that being alive would not be any harder without him; you might in fact find it much easier. I think you need to start by talking to someone like your midwife or contacting women’s aid. I really wish you all the best.

TheGreatPotato · 12/07/2024 23:24

Please speak to your midwife, she will be able to refer you for some help. This is abuse, you deserve better.

Mumof1andacat · 12/07/2024 23:26

Please speak with your midwife. This is no environmental for you and the children to be in.

outdamnedspots · 12/07/2024 23:31

tells me he should kick the crap out of me, how my kids will see how much of a psycho I am, how nobody cares about me and no wonder my parents have always treated me like crap.

He's a cunt. Talk to your midwife - ask her how you can get him to leave. Or call Women's Aid. He's abusive.

Opentooffers · 12/07/2024 23:41

Yes talk to your midwife. Also, doesn't sound like he has any rights to be there, so he could be removed. Break up with him and apply for a NMO.
You've had challenges and yes you've complicated life, don't make things harder in the future, make sure your contraception is watertight after you've given birth. You can't really put 4 DC's, 2 you don't live with, down to ADHD.

littletesco · 12/07/2024 23:45

@Opentooffers you have no right to add any negativity to the OP's thread!! OP your ex is tapping into your insecurities because he's an abusive ball bag. Look ahead to a fresh start without him. Put your past behind you...especially him!! Sending love and strength to you xxx

littletesco · 12/07/2024 23:47

@Opentooffers ok contraception is good advice of course...I just thought your last sentence was harsh

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/07/2024 23:53

Opentooffers · 12/07/2024 23:41

Yes talk to your midwife. Also, doesn't sound like he has any rights to be there, so he could be removed. Break up with him and apply for a NMO.
You've had challenges and yes you've complicated life, don't make things harder in the future, make sure your contraception is watertight after you've given birth. You can't really put 4 DC's, 2 you don't live with, down to ADHD.

Why don't you just put the boot in?

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/07/2024 23:55

OP, please please speak to your midwife and tell her you are being abused. Contact Women's Aid. If he's not on the tenancy you can very easily have him removed with an occupation order alongside a non molestation order. CAB can also help you with this. Please also report any threats to the police. You need to try and take control here for the safety of you and your children. I realise it's scary but there is a lot of support out there.

This man is abusive and a threat to your children. First port of call is your midwife. Good luck.

Disturbtheuniverse · 13/07/2024 00:27

He is abusive and dangerous. You need to get yourself and your children away from him fast. Can you secretly contact Woman's Aid or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline? They can talk you through your options without pressure and help you plan an escape. Don't believe a word he says. You deserve so much more and so do your kids.

I wish you all the best with getting away from this monster.

LiterallyOnFire · 13/07/2024 00:38

Oh OP. It's so hard to deal with when you're pregnant, but it is very clearly an abusive relationship.

Midwife should help. If you're landlord is council or HA, they will also have a domestic violence policy. Your local women's aid will be able to advise on legals.

Screw up your courage and put things in motion. Then the new baby will be a lovely fresh start for you and your children.

GrumpyPanda · 13/07/2024 00:46

Call the police about his threats, and for assistance getting him removed.

StrawberryWater · 13/07/2024 02:39

He’s not on the tenancy, get him removed.

Original poster
Mumbum1990 · 13/07/2024 09:27

Update I guess…

last night my 5 year old came up to me and said he’d told her I was going to get him arrested because I was going to hurt myself. I called the police, for advice more than anything. They sent officers straight out and took him into custody. I now just feel incredibly guilty, the kids were all upset. His daughter got picked up at around midnight. I honestly feel like the worst person. I’m going round and round in my head, the kids miss him, I miss the good side of him, I just feel so broken by all of this…

OP posts:
TheGreatPotato · 13/07/2024 09:32

Well done OP, that was incredibly brave of you. You have done the right thing, and you will hopefully now be signposted to the next steps to keep you and your babies safe from this awful man. You can do this! I know it's hard now but your life will be so much better and happier in the long run. You have done your children a massive favour. You're an amazing mum x

Treacletoots · 13/07/2024 09:33

You've been thrown an opportunity here OP. Muster all the strength you have to start and believe in yourself and keep this absolutely awful man away from you and your children forever.

You don't deserve this.
Your children don't deserve this.
He does not deserve you.
He is dangerous.

Life without him will be blissful, trust me, I've been there.

Original poster
Mumbum1990 · 13/07/2024 09:43

I just feel awful. Like this is my fault, like maybe it was me overreacting, and being hormonal… should I really have called them, how am I going to cope, both emotionally and financially… I keep thinking of the good times and then remembering the awful things he has said, like comparing our unborn baby to aids… I just feel lost.

OP posts:
GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 13/07/2024 09:53

Right OP, you've done the absolute hardest part, well done you, that's amazing - now he's gone you need to make sure he stays gone so that you don't have to go through all this again.

So bag up all his shite, and change the locks - if it's a modern door it's really easy to do yourself. Then contact the benefits people to tell them you are now single.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 13/07/2024 10:01

Of course it's not your fault, if people go round threatening to attack people - especially heavily pregnant women - and verbally abuse them and their children in their own home (because what he's been saying to the children about you is emotional abuse of the children) then of course they should be arrested.

He's a complete waste of skin, how bloody dare he treat anyone like that, let alone the mother of his children. I can guarantee there's not a single thing about him that's good that isn't outweighed 100x by his awful abusiveness.

The good is just an act to keep you on the hook. After all, if he'd behaved like this, like the real him, the day you met him you would have told him to fuck off wouldn't you? So why ever would you put up with him now?

Miffylou · 13/07/2024 10:06

outdamnedspots · 12/07/2024 23:31

tells me he should kick the crap out of me, how my kids will see how much of a psycho I am, how nobody cares about me and no wonder my parents have always treated me like crap.

He's a cunt. Talk to your midwife - ask her how you can get him to leave. Or call Women's Aid. He's abusive.

Or Citizens' Advice. They’ll be able to give housing and benefits advice and referrals to other people who can help you. OP doesn’t need to put up with this.

Original poster
Mumbum1990 · 13/07/2024 10:23

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 13/07/2024 10:01

Of course it's not your fault, if people go round threatening to attack people - especially heavily pregnant women - and verbally abuse them and their children in their own home (because what he's been saying to the children about you is emotional abuse of the children) then of course they should be arrested.

He's a complete waste of skin, how bloody dare he treat anyone like that, let alone the mother of his children. I can guarantee there's not a single thing about him that's good that isn't outweighed 100x by his awful abusiveness.

The good is just an act to keep you on the hook. After all, if he'd behaved like this, like the real him, the day you met him you would have told him to fuck off wouldn't you? So why ever would you put up with him now?

You’re right about all the stuff he says to and in front of the kids. I’m no angel, but I do try to keep arguments from happening in front of them… but he seemed to want them around if an argument was happening? And would always put on this calm act in front of them. Like he’d wind me up until I was crying and pretty much hysterical and then get the kids to come and see… he’d also pick a fight every time his daughter would come over, and she was always quite moody and, not horrible, but difficult when he was around… last night after he’d gone, she was super chatty with me, wanting to play games and talk to me loads… just made me think what kind of effect he has on the kids. My oldest is always hiding in his room when he’s here… the more I think about it all the more angry I feel, and stupid for letting this happen again.
I just wanted a happy family, I wanted my kids to grow up in a loving, caring environment… I wanted to just be bloody loved for once - this is why it’s played on my mind whether it’s me, because I get told I’m the problem by my parents too. I’m difficult, I’m not right in the head, I act like a child and am stupid if I say something has upset me. So it makes me feel very isolated and like I’m the one in the wrong, and feel so so guilty for speaking up for myself… god… sorry for venting 🤦🏼‍♀️ my brain is spiralling…

OP posts:
outdamnedspots · 13/07/2024 10:23

Well done, OP. You have taken the first and hardest step. The police wouldn't have arrested him if they didn't think it was justified.

Now, keep strong. Find out what benefits you'd be entitled to as a single person, tell friends and family what's happening so they can support you.

You might also find it helpful to have counselling or do the Freedom Programme. Nobody deserves abuse like your ex dished out.

Datafan55 · 13/07/2024 10:27

honestly not sure if it’s all me being this awful person, or if it’s him
It's him. Glaring obvious to those of us on the outside.
Seen your update. This is the break in the relationship you needed. Please stay strong and do not take him back.