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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Horrible drunk

35 replies

Beckyij · 12/07/2024 20:17

Just Coming for some company as shaking a bit after DP has come home at 6pm really angry and drunk. He did this a few months ago. I just don’t know if I can stay with him. He was calling me all sorts just for saying I thought he was coming home to go to B&Q with me late afternoon. He says he drank 4 pints in one hour, is that enough to get really arsey?

OP posts:
PalmelaHanderson · 12/07/2024 20:20

4 pints in an hour can easily get someone fired up, but thats beside the point as theres no need for that behaviour.

Ethylred · 12/07/2024 20:21

What a winner. And yes, 4 pints in 1 hour is a hell of a lot.

Beckyij · 12/07/2024 20:22

Yeah he’s like a different person and it really terrifies me as he doesn’t get drunk very much but when he does he can be really nasty. My dad was a violent alcoholic and it really terrifies me when people change if they drink.

OP posts:
LizzieBennett73 · 12/07/2024 20:28

I have zero tolerance for drunks, let alone angry ones.

Can you go out somewhere to get out of his way?

Beckyij · 12/07/2024 20:29

I’m hiding upstairs as he was coming out with all sorts of weird stuff. Don’t get it. He left in a good mood.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 12/07/2024 20:30

There are no excuses, ever, for this behaviour.

have you been together long? What’s your living situation?

MrDobbs · 12/07/2024 20:32

As someone who (years ago) used to sometimes get nasty and verbally aggressive when drunk occasionally - this isn't going to be an isolated incident, even if it's not every time he gets too drunk.

There's something underlying that results in angry drunk behaviour coming to the surface when inhibitions are reduced, but he may or may not ever get to the bottom of it.

In the meantime, you can't yourself be exposed to it, as you don't know where it will go, and if he cares about you and your relationship he will need to do something about it.

This means, at a minimum, if he doesn't want to stop drinking, then stop himself from getting so drunk so fast that he loses control, and if he doesn't want to do that, then make sure he does not go home until sobered up.

In time he might change he might not. In my own case, I only ever get happy drunk or sleepy drunk these days, but my life is in a better place, I'm older and probably don't drink as much as fast.

It's certainly enough reason to not want to stay with him. Why should you?

Beckyij · 12/07/2024 20:32

We’ve been together 6 years, I live in his house.

OP posts:
Beckyij · 12/07/2024 20:34

Can I just ask he has hit walls in anger and I’ve said to him that what if he escalates that and hits me and he says to me men are different at expressing anger. Isn’t that BS of am I being sensitive?

OP posts:
Sidebeforeself · 12/07/2024 20:34

Im so sorry for you. My Dad was an angry drunk and although I loved him he terrified me when drunk.My poor Mum endured so much, walking on eggshells. Don’t let that be you and ,if you have kids, don’t put them through what I went through. It affects me still today in lots of ways and Im in my 50s

Beckyij · 12/07/2024 20:35

No I can’t have kids (both sad and good)

OP posts:
StSwithinsDay · 12/07/2024 20:36

It's bullshit. Do not let him get into your head that way.

StSwithinsDay · 12/07/2024 20:36

Have you somewhere you can go to for tonight?

Sidebeforeself · 12/07/2024 20:36

And don’t accept the “I haven’t hit you” line. No, he hasn’t but the “yet”is unspoken.

Beckyij · 12/07/2024 20:36

@Sidebeforeself Im sorry you went through that. I did too, it’s a horrible thing to experience as a child.

If I go quiet here I’m ok I’m just checking he hasn’t been sick of anything!

OP posts:
J0S · 12/07/2024 20:38

stop arguing with him when he’s drunk, it’s not safe for you and it achieves nothing.

if you have decided to leave him then say nothing. Start making your plans and tell him when you have found a place to stay and are actually moving out.

KTSl1964 · 12/07/2024 20:40

Hi op look up adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families.

Bananalanacake · 12/07/2024 20:50

Could you afford to live apart but still date him, if you want to, so it's easier to walk away and stay at yours when he is drinking. My parents never drank alcohol, well very rarely, I've never seen them drunk and DH is TT - never tried alcohol at all, I wouldn't know how to deal with a drunk person. Sadly, sounds like you had a bad childhood with your dad. Hope you work something out.

FreeRider · 12/07/2024 20:51

Yeah you need to leave, for good. I can guarantee that one day the aggression will extend to being physical as well as verbal.

I had an ex who was the same, at random times after having a few he'd suddenly turn very very nasty. What made it worse was never knowing if it was going to happen, as it wasn't every single time he got drunk. Highlights were him smashing a very expensive stereo I'd had less than 4 months (it had been a gift and I had no hope of replacing it) and him deliberately urinating on my front door on Millennium Eve (because I wanted to go to bed at 4am and not stay out in the pissing rain drinking).

I should have left him then...I didn't and ended up wasting a total of 15 years with him. Finally saw sense at age 40 and left. Still wish I'd left him at 25!

Beckyij · 12/07/2024 20:54

@J0S I didn’t, it was like he came in angry. I was working on my laptop.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/07/2024 20:55

Op, just get out of there. Don't make the mistake of reliving your childhood with another violent drunk. You must leave him.

Beckyij · 12/07/2024 20:55

@FreeRider Thats what I can’t live with, the unpredictable. Reminds me of my childhood and I spent years undoing that damage. I need to l know.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 12/07/2024 20:55

Call Women's Aid, get help, get out.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/07/2024 20:57

The only thing keeping you in that house is you. You can walk away anytime you want to and be done with him. You literally never have to speak to him again.

Justmuddlingalong · 12/07/2024 20:57

I was married to an arsehole like this. It got worse...much worse.
It doesn't have to happen regularly to impact your peace and confidence.
Don't waste your time.

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