How to move on

[Elylife]

I've been in my first relationship since a divorce. I was married for nearly 20 years. I've felt a really strong connection with him since we first met. We get on really well and have a good time together.

However, he is always busy (kids, job, social life) and seems to have very little time for me. It really bothers me as I feel like I'm last in a long list of priorities. I don't at all expect to be top of the list, but I at least need to be on there. I'm beginning to feel like he's using me. He's giving me scraps of time. I think he does like me, but not enough to make a real effort. I need and deserve someone who wants to get to know me properly.
It's left me feeling anxious all the time because I know he's not giving me what I need.

I know I need to move on, but im infatuated with him. I can't think of anything else. It's getting in the way of me being able to function. I know that sounds nuts.
I'm pathetic! I hate myself for it as I'm becoming more and more needy. It's not a good look!!
Has anyone been in a similar situation and have you got any tips on how to move on?

How quickly did you get into this relationship after you split from exDH? Perhaps you need to have some alone time , and get used to it.

I was single for 2 years. And quite happy! This has made my life worse, not better

If it’s not enhancing your life then what’s the point? Its better to be single than in a relationship that makes you feel confused or not prioritised

Yes, agreed. But how do I get him out of my head?
I feel almost like I can't cope without him! Even though I obviously can and have done! X

I'm pathetic! I hate myself for it as I'm becoming more and more needy

I think this is the issue. You really don't have your own back. When you have needs, you just insult yourself for them, instead of respecting them. This leaves you in a position where you need someone else to have your back, because we all need someone there for us. As adults, we're supposed to be there for ourselves, but a lot of us aren't, because we don't get taught that we can.

If you've time and inclination, have a read of/listen to 'You are the one you've been waiting for' by Richard Schwarz. And if not, stop calling yourself names, at least. It would be very rude to tell anybody else they were needy and pathetic, and you hate them for it, wouldn't it? Imagine if someone else said it to you. How hurtful. The sooner you learn to be nice to yourself, the sooner you're free from being addicted to others.

I don’t have any advice but I am in a similar ish situation. I think he does love me but he is very busy and not that thoughtful so I feel like I’m more invested in the relationship than he is.

To a certain extent he will need to put his job and kids before you. Also he has a right to a social life. Does he include you in his socialising? Have you spoken to him to see explain that you feel under appreciated?

One thing I’ve learned is that if they are genuinely serious about you, they will make time. And the recipient of the half-arsed behaviour - will make excuses for them.

I'm really struggling to decide if it's him, or me.
I'm definitely in a difficult place emotionally, and I'm putting a lot into this relationship, when I should be concentrating on myself and building up my self esteem.
He is always apologetic and tries to make time when he can, but I feel as if it's half hearted and that dates come when he is free. He doesn't consider me before making endless plans with everyone else.
I wouldn't expect him to put me before his kids or job, but surely, if a man likes you, he will try to make an evening date at least once a fortnight?
At the moment, he'll give me a date when I ask - but I don't want to ask. I want him to make an effort and set time to be with me!
I don't think that's too much to ask?

How often do you see him?
I do think it’s hard if someone has an already established life without a partner with lots of commitments then tries to slot someone into that.

Sorry I think our posts cross. Less than once a fortnight isn’t great.
I totally get wanting them to suggest meeting up as I’m in that situation. It’s hard to know if it’s as they aren’t that bothered or just not that organised. It does sound like your guy makes social plans so you may be right.

Can you throw yourself into a hobby or end it and focus on trying to meet someone new?

We see each other every week. But it's often a quick meet up, between schedules. Maybe a coffee or a quick drink during the day.
Last week, I explained how I felt and told him that I wouldn't keep meeting for short times unless he was also able to commit to us spending some evenings together. So, he set up a date for next week. Now, I'm wondering if I've just forced him into it!?
So, I just cant feel secure and I'm not sure if that's me or his behaviour.

How old are you both? Is he making you dependant on him?

We are both in our 40's. He's been single for 10 years and I don't know if he is finding it difficult to include a partner again. Or, if he's been single for so long because he can only prioritise himself.

This is a good question. I don't think so, but how would he make me dependant on him?.

I definitely anxious at the moment and I don't know if my anxiety is causing me to feel uneasy with what is pretty normal behaviour, or if his behaviour is causing my anxiety.
This isn't helped by the fact that I can't seem to resist him.
Everytime he text, I feel better. Every time I see him, I feel better. And then a couple of hours later I start analysing and worrying and I'm back to square one.

Also, the sex is the best I've ever had!!!
How do I stop that!?

It’s a good sign that he was happy to do an evening meet up when you explained how you felt. Maybe just go with the flow for a bit & try to just enjoy it while working on yourself.

if you are only seeing him for snatches of time would you have sex then? I’d hold out for proper dates as then you are less likely to feel used.

I honestly think that the only thing that helps is time and detachment.

The 'get over him' holidays, apps and content you'll find online are just a ploy to plot on emotional consumers (in my opinion). Moving on from things like this is a battle with one's self.

by get over him apps I meant the likes of tinder that can work quickly (but possibly without a deeper connection)

So what’s he doing in the evenings when he’s not seeing you? Once a fortnight doesn’t seem much.

We see each other every week. But it's often a quick meet up, between schedules. Maybe a coffee or a quick drink during the day.

No way are you a priority for this man. I would honestly get out now before your self esteem is left in tatters.

You're definitely not a priority to this man. Any man who is keen and is into you wants to see you more than once a fortnight.

Having dated a lot, the ones who were into me were forthcoming with making plans for the next date. The ones who weren't overly that bothered but wanted to keep you on the back burner acted like he is doing, it's called breadcrumbing I believe.

The level of anxiety you're feeling is i expect your gut feeling trying to tell you something is off.

I could be completely wrong here but men who are keen take actions to see you/date you.

Yes, I agree with the above. But it's going to be very difficult for me to move on.
I'm not sure how to do it. I just can't face the heartbreak again.

Should I be a priority to a man who has kids, a job and a full life? How long does it take to fit someone in?
I think I've caused this situation by being too available to him.

How long have you been dating? And how often does he have the kids with him?