How to move on

[Elylife]

I've been in my first relationship since a divorce. I was married for nearly 20 years. I've felt a really strong connection with him since we first met. We get on really well and have a good time together.

However, he is always busy (kids, job, social life) and seems to have very little time for me. It really bothers me as I feel like I'm last in a long list of priorities. I don't at all expect to be top of the list, but I at least need to be on there. I'm beginning to feel like he's using me. He's giving me scraps of time. I think he does like me, but not enough to make a real effort. I need and deserve someone who wants to get to know me properly.
It's left me feeling anxious all the time because I know he's not giving me what I need.

I know I need to move on, but im infatuated with him. I can't think of anything else. It's getting in the way of me being able to function. I know that sounds nuts.
I'm pathetic! I hate myself for it as I'm becoming more and more needy. It's not a good look!!
Has anyone been in a similar situation and have you got any tips on how to move on?

Kids 50/50. Around 3 months

i think if he has the kids that much it’s understandable not to be able to see you a lot more than that. It sounds like he could just be enjoying taking it slowly and getting to know you, which is much better than the lovebombing alternative. But if it doesn’t work for you, that’s absolutely fine and ok for you to end it.
Also, if he initially came on super strong and is now withdrawing.. that could be concerning. Otherwise I would probably just match his energy so that you don’t feel like you’re chasing. Is there a chance you’re subconsciously sabotaging it because it’s moving quite slowly and isn’t full of ups and downs? (I know I’ve done this after being jn unhealthy relationships.)

You don't have to decide if it's him or you: nobody has to be at fault, or doing anything wrong. I'm an early bird, so if I was to start a relationship with a night owl, it wouldn't work, because we'd have different priorities at different times of day, but it wouldn't be possible to decide if it was 'me or them' causing the problem, because neither would be wrong.

The anxiety thing, as well... whether you are finding the problem worse because of anxiety, or whether your anxiety is causing the problem, it doesn't matter. The situation is not do-able, and your anxiety plays a part in that.

It's like you're trying to decide if you are 'right' to feel the way you do, or if, somehow, it's 'allowed' or 'acceptable' to feel this way. Do you do this with any other decisions in life? If you don't like sprouts, do you try to work out if you're 'in the wrong', or if the sprouts are? If you aren't comfortable watching horror films, do you question whether your anxiety causes you not to want to watch them, or if it's more that they will make your anxiety worse? Or do you just feel what you feel, and do what you want, in all situations except relationships?

There is no 'right' way to feel. Spend your time doing things and with people with whom you feel comfortable and happy, and who offer you situations you want and like. And then you will be more comfortable and happy, and in more situations you want and like. It's really that simple; just the same as putting food on your plate. Choose what you like, then you will be happy with your meal. Other foods that you don't like so much don't have to be wrong in any way, it's not an 'is it you or them?' thing.

I do think relationships can move at a different speed when you are in different life situations. I moved in with my ex after 6months but neither of us had kids. In a post kid post separation relationship I was many years down the line & only seeing them a couple of times a week as that all we could fit in.
Do you have kids OP?
I don’t think once a week after 3 months is unreasonable when at least one partner has job/kids half the week/friends.
I wouldn’t want my partner to drop their friends for me & I wouldn’t respect a partner that didn’t put their kids first.
Could you have some counselling to work through your anxiety? I definitely think you need to use the time to work on your mental health rather than angst about the relationship.
It sounds like he might need a bit of steering as he’s been out of a relationship for so long so may not be great at knowing how to act in one. You’ve made the step in arranging an evening date. I’d see how that goes and try to encourage one proper date a week. If he doesn’t seem bothered then you have your answer.

I’m a very similar situation too op. For me, reading about attachment styles has really helped. Thais Gibson has some great podcasts that are short and to the point and packed with interesting (and in my case useful) information.