Dad watching porn

[lian3]

Hi,

I feel I have some childhood trauma but I don't know if I am overacting. It's something I think about a lot and can't get the images out of my mind.

When I was growing up we had a family computer in the kitchen/dining room area. Before the days of smartphones etc. computers were a fairly new thing I guess.

The kitchen and dining room area was also a thoroughfare to the bathroom, garden and also a bedroom so definitely not a separate or private room.

My Dad would regularly (I mean every day irrrc, or felt like it), be watching porn on this computer. It wasn't hidden from us at all.

I remember him with his hands down his trousers.

I feel sick thinking about it. I have my own children and it pops into my mind so much.

My mum was around but I never remember her saying or doing anything, but she must have seen it.

Your dad was masturbating in the house where you could all see him and your mum said nothing? In that case she's complicit in child abuse. I'm sorry no one protected you. You could try NAPAC for support. Perhaps some counselling.

I mean, I can't specifically remember my mum being there, when I saw him doing it. But as I said it wasn't a separate room so if I saw him doing this daily I'd think she must have known what he was doing? I can't be certain though and feel very conflicted.

You’re not overreacting because this is what you experienced, and your feelings are completely valid. I’d go as far as saying abuse. I’m not against masturbating or porn, but me and my husband would only ever do this away from the kids in private with no chance of them coming in, I’m so sorry. It’s hard to imagine your mum wasn’t aware of it. Have you had any therapy?

Do not disrespect yourself by mizing this. I've had sexual trauma as a child and it is very serious. It is also an offence (legally) for allowing porn to be accessible to children, but this by far worse. If recommended therapy, it is helping me xxxx

*minimising

That's completely unacceptable. Completely. I'm so sorry that was done to you.

So I am having therapy. The therapist has suggested that the reason I feel so upset about this is because I may have felt sexually aroused by it. The thought of that makes me feel sick and I have no recollection of ever feeling that way. I just recall feeling ashamed, embarrassed, embarrassed by my family situation (I knew even then it wasn't normal behaviour I guess).

What?! I'd find another therapist as soon as possible. Ridiculous.

OP this is sexual abuse. I’m so sorry. Your dad is a disgusting pig and your mum a total coward for allowing it to happen.

The thing I struggle with is, I'm not sure if he was doing it so we could see it? I'd like to think not. He just didn't care enough, his need to do that was more?
I know parents are humans with needs too. But I can't imagine doing that in a place where children can come across.

Is it sexual abuse if he was just a selfish prick who needed to watch porn on the computer to have his daily wank?

Oh that’s awful. To be honest I can’t see any situation where this wasn’t sexual abuse. He opted to watch porn and wank in front of his children, that’s so beyond normal behaviour it’s inexcusable.

who has a need that strong that they wank in front of their children?

OP it's sexual abuse to masturbate in front of a child. He masturbated in full view of his children. I don't like the sound of your therapist. Please contact NAPAC or the Survivors Trust for advice and support.

Agreed, I would not see that therapist again OP, very worrying that their focus was not on the obvious abuse of porn/masturbation around a child.

OP I had the same situation and so understand your feelings. Shared family computer in the corner of the living room. Particularly weekend mornings mum would have a long lie and dad would come downstairs. He would tilt the screen slightly and have his hands busy under his dressing gown. It wasn't quite as obvious as what you have described but sometimes we would randomly walkover and he would dramatically have to swing the monitor round so we didn't see what was on it.

It's only in the last year I've really tried to process this and what it means. I think it also helps explains partly why I was "sexualised" and aware of sex young. I definitely wasn't sexually aroused by it and the suggestion of such by a therapist would be a WTF moment for me and make me reconsider the seriousness and viability of them as a therapist tbh

Please find a new therapist. Your one is terrible.

The reason you feel upset by this is because it's sexual abuse. Your therapist is minimising this. I would ask them why they are doing that rather than saying what you went through was unacceptable.

Whether intentional or not, it IS sexual abuse. It is also illegal for a reason. * *

That's a huge red flag from your therapist. * *

This is infuriating. Please ditch that therapist ASAP. It's wrong what your dad did, he knew what he was doing. He may have intended to manipulate or got off on you seeing him. I'm glad you're getting help but that therapist sounds useless. Please get another and don't ever feel like you have to return to a therapist who says such bull again.

Was that so called therapist a man?

It was in the house, when I was growing up. I wish I’d never seen it. Some of the images remain in my mind. It’s why I feel so sad for young people, today, who exposed to shocking porn 24/7 online.

I'm sorry you went through the same.

It's not something I can talk openly about.

It's NHS, so not sure I can. I can't afford private. I've had MH issues on and off for what feels like my whole life. And this experience is one of the things that frequently features in my pain.

Therapist was a woman, English isn't her first language so I'm not sure if that was the issue with her wording. She definitely said that maybe I felt the way I did about it and felt ashamed because I felt aroused by it, which is quite common in sexual abuse?

Her saying that made me feel dirty and ashamed all over again.

I was about 11/12 when this started. Late primary/ early secondary. I knew about sex and porn (though never seen it!). I can say I am sure I never felt "aroused" by watching my Dad wank. That thought makes me sick.