Can someone be tooooo nice? Red flag?

[febbabies2023]

So I came out of a long term relationship at the very beginning of the year and I just started to start dated again - more to see what was going on, learning 'how' to date and what not

Anyway I started talking to this guy and we chatted for about 3 weeks before we managed to meet up (both busy with work, I have children etc) and it went SO well.
We met up again a few days later and had another lovely time
Tuesday we went on another date and again had a nice time and a kiss, which was lovely.

But I came away from the date almost feeling like... well not how I should.

On paper he's great! Works hard and has a good career, good communication, complimentary, attentive, attractive all those good things.

But he has already said how much he likes me, he's deleted his dating apps, he said he will come get me on Friday when I'm out with friends if I get too drunk. Tells me pretty much every day

I'm starting to feel like it's almost a little bit suffocating but I'm not sure if that's because it absolutely is and he's a complete red flag.. or if I'm getting in my own head about it because of coming out of a relationship

Any advice?!

He's very sweet and I don't want to hurt his feelings but I feeeeel like I'm getting the ick

My first thought is that you’ve just come outbid a long term relationship and even though you might not feel it, you’re quite vulnerable and not in best place to spot red flags.

Tbh this guy might be amazing but there’s a lot of love bombing red flags there imo. When it seems to good to be true, it’s usually because it’s not genuine.

Are you exclusive? Have you come off the apps? He's maybe vibing off you, cos if not then it sounds far too one sided.

@SamW98 no you're absolutely right, which is probably why I've started questioning it because my gut is saying no...

@TwinCheeks no not exclusive, only a few dates in but yep he's deleted the apps!

Beware. That’s not a normal level of investment early on. I speak from experience.

It sounds naff but listen to your gut! It’s scientifically proven to be a thing. Each time I haven’t it’s eventually gone absolutely awry and has wasted so much of my time

Hrm are you actively pursuing other dates though? By your own admission it sounds like you've had 3 really good dates so you cant blame him for being keen if they have gone as well as you say. It's more the worry you're not on the same page. Perhaps you need to subtly tell him to reign it in a little and see how he responds. Also is sex on the cards!? 3 dates in and it's usually not far off?!

Hmmm I wish you well and hope for the best with him.
i speak from bitter experience when I say to you that it won’t always end well and to keep your wits about you. If he says anything that gives you concern then don’t ignore it because the rest is so good.

Saying he likes you and binning the Apps is okay, but wanting to collect you from a night out's too much and too needy this early on.

Collecting you from a night out is a huge red flag. It’s a control thing.

I dated a guy who was very similar to yours and thought he was so kind always picking me up from nights out. But he turned up early and sat in the car park to try and catch me out talking to other men. And he’d then text me from car saying he was a bit early (at least an hour) but don’t worry he’ll just sit out here til I’m ready to leave knowing full well he was laying the guilt trip on and that i would end up coming home earlier than I’d planned

@TwinCheeks I haven't been on other days, purely because they make me quite nervous and I felt ready to go on a date with him.. the dates have gone well! If the opportunity comes up, then yes sex would be on the cards I'm sure 😂

@LoyalMember I feel like binning them off this early though is very much saying he doesn't want to see anyone else and I'm just not there yet. It feels a bit needy and suffocating to be honest

@SamW98 oh god! Yeah that would make me feel guilty too! Half of me is like oh that's very nice that he came to get me to make sure I'm safe etc and the other half of me says I absolutely wouldn't do that for someone I've been on a couple of dates with!

I think I know what I need to do I just don't know how to do it without being mean. I know I'll hurt his feelings which feels awful to do

I would trust your gut.

It is entirely possible he is just a really sweet guy and is really into you but clearly things are moving faster than you are comfortable with.

If he is truly a nice guy then he should have no problem taking things at a slower pace and giving you breathing room.

The offer to pick you up could be a genuine kind gesture or it could be an early warning sign of some underlying insecurity he has. I would gently reject the offer and if he becomes insistent then it may well be an issue of control.

I wouldn’t say he’s necessarily “too good to be true” but I would say that you’re probably not on the same page if you’re feeling a bit freaked out by it.

When I was single I went on dates with blokes like this. They were full on instantly and it just creeped me out and made me run a mile in the opposite direction. Then I met DP and he told me he loved me almost instantly 😂 and I felt exactly the same! The first night he stayed at mine was amazing and I walked into the kitchen the next morning and watched him making a coffee and thought “you look completely at home here” 😊 And he never left 😂

I think if you get the ick then you don’t feel the same. When it’s right it doesn’t matter how quick or full on it is, it just flows and feels normal.

Look for your local "are we dating the same guy" group on Facebook. You can anonymously post his photo and name and local women that have dated him/ had interactions with him will let you know what he's like.

I think the test is in what happens when you say no.

"Thanks for the offer, it's very kind but I'm out with friends and will make my own way home"

Anything other than saying ok have a good time is a red flag.

I recently posted about my ex. Outwardly he was too nice, especially first few dates (it quicky progressed to me paying for everything etc and many major red flags, that I ignored!). I wish I had listened to my gut. Listen to yours xx

Even if we give him the benefit of the doubt, he's way more invested than you are.
He may not be aware of how suffocating he is. It looks like he's taking care of you, but actually it's his own neediness shining through. He's not picking you up from a night out for your sake, he's doing it because it makes him feel important. And most of all, because it will make you become very dependant of him very early on, and you'd feel guilty rejecting someone/leaving someone who's done so many nice things for you.
He's creating a situation where you owe him, and those are dangerous.

If you feel comfortable, talk to him about it. Tell him that he needs to give this thing between you space to breathe and grow. He can't be love bombing you, because that ruins the chance of building a strong foundation.
If he waves your concerns away "but I'm just being nice / women these days can't appreciate a good man when they see one / ..." then walk away. That's him emotionally manipulating you rather than genuinely listening to your concerns.

Really good post from @Girlmom35 ⬆️⬆️

What on earth?! NEVER do this. It can get you in so much legal trouble. Idiotic.

If this was the other way around, you would 100% be fuming. Horrendous.

I think what you’re going to conclude here after not much longer is that “nice guys” aren’t generally very nice.

He probably doesn’t sound to dissimilar to me. If I had 3 good dates and was serious then I too would delete the apps.

with my last gf I deleted after 2nd date as it went so well.

yes, some with have a hidden agenda but good guys do exist.

@Girlmom35 has it. If you feel comfortable talk to him about it, that you need to give this thing between you time to grow, as she put it so well. The problem here could be that you're moving at different speeds. But if you don't feel comfortable saying that, that's a bad sign in itself.

Honestly nice men do exist, but it's a good idea to keep half an eye out for red flags. How he reacts if you say "too much, too soon" gently (about the offer to pick you up) should show you a lot. A decent man will smile and gently back away a bit; a pushy one will argue (instadump) and a dangerous one will agree now, but try to push it later.

Some great advice here, thank you all.

He seems pretty reasonable in terms of communication so far so I'm hoping it'll not be an issue.

I will of course update as and when is needed. Thank you all 🥰

Look if you're finding him suffocating already then ffs run. 'Suffocating',, 'full on', 'too much too soon', none of this gets any more dates.

No need to give it a chance.
Trust your gut and stop!

I would say it's very rare for a new couple to find things go at the same pace. I have been there when she rushes things more than me at the start, and there have been times when I have been the one rushing. It's sometimes hard to judge and if I am moving too fast and told to slow it, thats fine. Its about communication at the end of the day and if the other person ignores you then that is a red flag.

The picking you up if you’re too drunk is a red flag for me.

presumably after a couple of dates he doesn’t have your address yet? He might be a lovely guy, but wanting to you to your home when you’re drunk, and therefore vulnerable, is a safety issue with someone you barely know yet