DH looks through my personal things

[MeganM3]

Wanted to put this in AIBU but wasn’t brave enough.

My husband and I have been together a long time, we are mid 30s. He is still attracted to me. I’m not so sexually attracted to him any more. Mostly because life is so busy with kids and I’m tired. He hasn’t aged well physically so I’m not sure if there’s also a physical reason I’m not so interested in sex with him. We do it a couple of times a month, and I give him hand relief once a week usually. I’m happy for him to masturbate, it’s normal. This is the AIBU… he thinks he is entitled to know about everything I’m doing sexually because he is my H. He looks through my drawer to check if I’ve had my vibrator out, or used any toys. He will then ask when and want to hear about it. I want to keep it private. I think he checks quite a lot. Tbh I want to throw my vibrator away because of this. I feel uncomfortable with my things being gone through. But by vibe is the only sexual pleasure I actually get. I feel like crap.

He finds it a turn on to ask you when you last used your vibrator, you find it a complete turn off. I can see that it’s probably difficult to be straight up and honest with him about how you feel but clear communication really is the answer. You can’t go along with someone else’s sexual preferences if they don’t align with your own - not speaking up will mean you get more and more of an ick when he asks and it will create even more sexual distance between the two of you. If you find it hard to talk about in the moment, pick another time to raise it with him. If you have already raised it with him, you need to shut it down immediately and firmly if he asks you again.

I see the menz are here to share their wisdom 🙄

Bloody hell that’s shocking OP.

You were entitled to privacy even when married.

Id also be very wary about this as it can escalate to him setting up secret cameras in the bedroom to secretly watch you. I’ve heard of this happening.

I get shudders just thinking about those conversations you’re having with him. Him rifling through your drawers and analysing if it’s been moved and then going to you with his information for a debrief. Creepy.

37 year old female actually. Married two kids, 2 million in property, software sales... no penis here

What????? 😂😂

Give over you muppet!

Can anyone else smell that??

I understand why you feel it's an invasion of privacy. I would have felt that way with my ex-husband. However, you do now have a good opportunity to improve your marriage and some information about what turns him on. Lots of men do get very turned on by women using sex toys, but I think it's established that using a vibrator as your usual way to get off can make it more and more difficult to orgasm without using one. You could ask him to work with you to become more organic during sex. Wouldn't it be great if you could improve your sex life so that you got much more pleasure out of it? This article is very relevant and definitely worth a read : https://www.drpsychmom.com/the-link-between-vibrators-and-bad-sex/

Can't believe the comments here - so OP's the selfish one and not the bloke who makes her service him once a week...? Eeeeew.

OP I'd write a rude note and wrap it around your vibrator. Or get a number lock on your nightstand.

Or send him a link to this:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlHf1Fc0OSg

😂

Hr shouldn’t be going through your personal things, he’s crossing boundaries there. Tell him to leave your things alone and that you don’t wish to discuss masturbation with him.

Why is it selfish? Masturbation is different to sex and @MeganM3 is entitled to privacy. Have you not got the vibe this is creeping her out, so the last thing she’d want to do is bring her husband in to it 🙄

🤢🤢🤢🤢 Jesus h christ

Isn’t he using her as a resource when he gets a hand job from her ? It’s a favour she is not obliged to give.
Maybe he should make an effort to make himself more attractive.

Maybe OP would be relieved if he ran off with someone else!

This is such bullshit.

Thank you all. Good to get some different perspectives. I can't seem to link it, but the comment about him putting cameras up in the house to watch me... yes it occurred to me too, I wondered if he'd done that. But I don't have any evidence of it. He's very tech savvy and I'm not.

I'm not sure I'm using him for his resources. He lives in the house that I bought. And I work too. But yes I would like to stay together because raising kids on joint resources is probably better for us all than splitting resources right now. And I still hope the situation is salvageable - even though I admit I have the ick and don't feel comfortable given the snooping :(

OP there are some weird people on here.

He is invading your privacy. He has no right to rifle through your drawers. Please tell him he must stop.

He has no right to quiz you about such private things. Please tell him you will not discuss with him in future.

Tell him the HJs will stop if he continues with this perverted obsessive monitoring and questioning.

Honestly though I’d be so creeped out I’m not sure I could get past it.

OP there are some weird people on here.

There really really are. This place has a share of very odd MRA types. It's weird.

That would give me an instant ick. Invasion of your privacy and constant sexualisation. Lewd man

Not sure why this seems like fantasy to some people. With house prices what they are in the south east 2 million in property is no longer what it used to be.

He’s just trying to connect with her, isn’t he? He knows she’s checked out. He’s plainly not sophisticated in attitude, but I guess if my husband was masturbating alone & reluctant to have sex with me I think I’d feel pretty insecure too. I wouldn’t snoop on him, but I’d know we were likely done.

@RipleyGreen That's the wrong way to connect... You want to connect with your woman , you make her life easier by helping her, romancing her and seducing in a manner which would appeal to her. Snooping through underwear and demanding to know if she masturbates are creepy as f..ck.

Agree with this and what @Crab770 has said.

As for the comments along the lines of "what a dick" "he sounds horrible", can you imagine the responses if a bloke posted on here saying that he didn't fancy his wife and didn't want to have sex with her but was regularly masturbating? He'd get absolutely slaughtered.