That instinct about husbands/partners having affairs…

[Sollersun]

I see it on here a lot. Either the OP senses something is amiss, and/or everyone who replies to them knows there’s another woman in the picture…and they are pretty much always proven right!

Call it spidey senses or female intuition- it’s definitely real. But has anyone experienced this when it’s not about infidelity? Tonight I get the strongest sense DH is lying about a work/financial issue. I’ve tried to have a calm conversation and he is aggressive and defensive. Anyone had similar? What happened?

Anyone? I’m feeling a bit shaken because I am so convinced he’s lying to me.

to be clear, we’ve had some problems for a while. But this is the first time I’ve actively thought ‘I simply don’t believe what you are telling me’ with absolute clarity. Only time will tell if I’m wrong or not, but I feel like an irrevocable shift in our marriage.

If you marry men that talk to women, then there's always going to be a risk that they cheat.

It's that gut instinct that tells you the numbers don't always add up .I always trust my gut , it's a primal instinct and worth listening to
I hope you are able to have a conversation that means you can feel more comfortable in yourself

@shuggles - thanks. This isn’t him lying about another woman though. I think he’s lying about something else work/income related. I smell BS in a big way, and I’m not sure what to do if he’s not going to communicate honestly and with me. We’ve been together a long time with our fair share of challenges, and this essentially feels like the nail in the coffin.

Call it.

Ask him directly.

@idontreallyno - thanks. I missed you first time for some reason!

Dh has thrown a wobbly and says he refuses to discuss it further, so not sure how far I’ll get tbh.

@nwsw - have done, and when I questioned it he got super angry - which to me in another sign of hiding something

I'd let it go for now and get things back on track. When his guard is down tomorrow I'd subtly bring the topic up again and see if he repeats the same thing you think is a lie and be ready to probe further then.

When you know someone so well through living with them, sometimes you can’t put a finger on what it is (until later) but something is off. I’d never consider myself a particularly sensitive or observant person, and often miss obvious cues, but there are times when an uneasy feeling rises and it’s very unsettling. And corrosive.

Hope you get to the bottom of it. It’s a horrible feeling.

I notice you used the word 'aggressive'. There us never, ever an excuse for a partner to be aggressive with you.

Even 'really angry' from a man towards a woman in a way that might be deemed intimidating, is not ok tbh.

So everything else asside, lies or no lies, he's already a wrong'un.

Shouting at someone to intimidate them into silence is never OK. If that's what's happening.

Just take his phone tonight and look through it.

@Commonsenseisnotsocommon - I think tomorrow will be too soon in all honesty. I am not sure I will ever get a clear answer…it will become broadly evident over the next month or two what the truth is, and what this means for our family, but I will carry such a sense of unease until I know. We are meant be going on holiday week after next and I don’t know how I’ll be able to relax.

If you suspect it’s financial, can you do some investigation?

@SleepPrettyDarling - it is a horrible feeling, you are right.

@Pinkbonbon - that’s another thing. He has always been short tempered and I hate it. However, one thing he has been really pleased with recently is work…but immediately flying off the handle when I question something seems not only quite nasty, but adds to the sense he’s hiding something.

but immediately flying off the handle when I question something seems not only quite nasty, but adds to the sense he’s hiding something

I think you can and should trust your gut. My ex was often super-defensive/evasive when I tried to talk to him about money, to the point of being aggressive, refusing to discuss it and taking an exaggerated victim stance.

No surprises that he turned out to be hiding a massive spending problem through let's call it some extremely creative accounting within his business.

Bugger. Is there anything you can snoop at tonight to get a better feel of the situation? Please just be so careful if you do that though, I know first hand how dangerous it can be if caught red handed.

I think his reaction tells you something is amiss. Only you know him so only you will know best how to handle this. Maybe wait a few days and then tell him calmly that you're worrying and you don't feel he's being honest with you. Tell him whatever it is, you would rather know than be left worrying and that whatever it is, you can sort it out together. Good luck OP, I hope you find some resolution 🙏

Yes, to answer your question- I had this sense something was off, and it wasn’t infidelity with a person. It was what some call “financial infidelity” - he had gambled away £20,000 without telling me. I found out later he was a gambling addict.
I hope the answer that comes to you is just work stress, not anything this dire. It is truly awful finding out someone has had this enormous secret, and it’s been eating away the finances.

I think our bodies are always picking up on things we don't recognise on the surface. A slight twinge of their face that wouldn't normally be there, when you mention a bill that's due...or a shift in the pheromones they are producing, that your body picks up on...

Added to his defensiveness which is a common sign of hiding something...

Sometimes you don't need proof for anything more than to tell you your feelings are valid.

You already know something is up.

Financial loss, tribunal at work, lay offs on the horizon...whatever it is, you probably know roughly that your finances have or are about to be affected.

And he can't communicate it with you.
He can't be a team.

Now, of course shame can make us hide things until we are able to talk...but if your wife tells you she knows something is up - its time to come clean! Otherwise you are compounding the situation with extra stress for her of feeling her husband is hiding something.

Couples are meant to put their heads together and fix things. If one partner prevents that opportunity, it's not a viable partnership. Couples are also supposed to think about the feelings of their partner, anyone who lets you worry and shouts at you for it...who doesn't work towards honesty, mutual understanding and resolution...again, isn't a suitable partner going forwards.

That and the short temper...it's not good.
Tbh, I don't think I'd want to live aife with a short tempered man anyway. I'd imagine it would only get worse with age.

Men aren't allowed to get really angry at women? That's ridiculous.

I've only had that feeling once, and that was after 25 years of marriage, and there had been no concrete evidence, just the feeling. After a year or so, I was proven right. But it was about marital cheating. I've never had that feeling about anything else. I think it is almost like a sixth sense, so, he must be hiding something from you. Something quite important.

Are you saying that in a month or two it will become evident by your family being in obvious financial ruin? If so, it's telling that you need to ask and don't have access to financial information as his spouse. Under those circumstances it's unwise to spend frivolously on a holiday. It's hard to advise without knowing what the lie is about, but his reaction shows all is not well.

I didn't say that. Of course they're allowed to get angry. For example, they may raise their voice and so, feel the need to leave the room to cool off. Fine. Good men check their anger so as not to intimidate their partners.

But 'aggressive' is not ok.

Nor are things like, getting in her space whilst angry. Or throwing anything in frustration. Or screaming at her. Of course, these things aren't OK for women either. But from men towards women, they suggest 'threat'. Even when not meant that way. So men have to work harder to make sure to temper their anger infront of women.

Good men know this.

Everyone has the right to anger. But anger doesn't give us the right to some of the behaviours it may unleash.

I'd hazard a guess that anyone described as 'aggressive' when mad, does not seek to temper his outbursts as he should.

Yes, especially with my adult sons actually.

However, I think sometimes they're defensive because it's something they don't want to share, rather than actually lying. Different if it's a DH and he should be sharing though.

Depending on the way you think it might affect you (you said financial) I found some relief in simply saying to him ‘I know you’re lying to me, you know you’re lying to me, I’m happy to get on with my day now, if you’re happy with that knowledge then crack on. But we are both clear that you’re lying’. Then I simply got on with my day and didn’t say anything more about it. The next day he was honest.

But that depends on what you think the situation is, eg is it time crucial? If you do nothing now, does it make a difference in the sense of you’ll lose money because you didn’t call the bank by 3pm or something like that?