That instinct about husbands/partners having affairs…

[Sollersun]

I see it on here a lot. Either the OP senses something is amiss, and/or everyone who replies to them knows there’s another woman in the picture…and they are pretty much always proven right!

Call it spidey senses or female intuition- it’s definitely real. But has anyone experienced this when it’s not about infidelity? Tonight I get the strongest sense DH is lying about a work/financial issue. I’ve tried to have a calm conversation and he is aggressive and defensive. Anyone had similar? What happened?

Yes my instinct told me something was up, it was denied in the strongest, angry and defensive way over and over. I never felt it about any other woman before. I started Looking around and found Flirty talk and messages but nothing concrete, all of which is still denied/minimised. I’m still living it, time will tell, they can’t hide forever. It’s fucking awful.

Sorry for radio silence. @Pinkbonbon - what you said -

'Couples are meant to put their heads together and fix things. If one partner prevents that opportunity, it's not a viable partnership. Couples are also supposed to think about the feelings of their partner, anyone who lets you worry and shouts at you for it...who doesn't work towards honesty, mutual understanding and resolution...again, isn't a suitable partner going forwards'

This absolutely stood out to me. I just tried to talk to DH again, and he is shouting and refusing to speak to me about it.

I can't give too many details as possibly outing, but in short, I think he isn't being truthful about a career/work development that will have a negative impact on his income (and therefore, our family income). I don't think he has a clear answer yet and one of the big issues in our relationship is money, so he immediately goes on the defensive. Problem is, in my view I need to know the score even if there's not a clear answer yet, so I can plan solutions. If his income is affected, how can I improve what I earn? Should we be cutting back etc etc? I am trying to be a capable adult.

However, what seems to be an even bigger issue is how we communicate. This morning I tried to send him some calm text messages about it - he ignored them (and told me just now, deleted without reading).

This isn't okay, is it? The sad thing is, it's not new. This kind of shit has happened before. We used to be a team but increasingly I think our marriage is unhappy and we should break up. Can't really believe I am typing this.

Tbh, the disrespect of telling you he deleted your texts without reading them...I mean, that's so contemptuous. I mean that's literally telling you he doesn't respect you- and wants you to know it.

I could maybe have defended him somewhat before you said that. Something along the lines of 'perhaps he thinks he has to shoulder all the burdens, which, isn't healthy and doesn't make for a good marriage' (but doesn't make him a bad person).

But the way he's treating you, isn't on imo. Not only is he not treating this like a partnership- He's flat out just not nice to you.

Sorry you're dealing with this op. But I think you may be right to reconsider the relationship.

Do you think if you sat him down and calmly explained that his behaviour was causing you to reconsider the marriage, he would be horrified, apologise and buck up his ideas? Or do you think he would double down on attacking you?

Your instinct about that in itself should give you an idea of who you are married to and if it's worth continuing things.

@Pinkbonbon - thank you. We have had a bad time financially in recent years (Covid, redundancies, increased mortgage) and I know he feels the stress of being the higher earner out of the two of us. I work also, but I know he feels the strain particularly - so that is true.

but yes, it is contemptuous isn’t it? I’d never refuse to listen to him, or anyone else I supposedly love, for that matter!

What your DH is doing is called stonewalling, and it is a form of emotional abuse. You have the right to expect calm and truthful discussion of any issue that concerns you. This might help: https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/the-insidious-damage-caused-by-covert-emotional-abuse

This kind of behaviour from my husband would be immediate reason for separation.
Defensiveness
Refusing to talk about issues that concern you both
Agressive communication
Refusing to engage in a normal, healthy conversation
Being emotionally triggered by harmless things

Have you heard of the four horsemen theory? It was developed by the Gottman Institute, where they research healthy and unhealthy relationships.
They describe 4 behaviours that strongly predict the destruction of a marriage in the short term:

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

I think your husbands checks all 4... This is problematic.

Why are you applying objective rules to an emotionally charged situation?
Everyone has different triggers, the ideal situation is no-ne would become angry, however, childhood socialising and our environment will mean anger is projected and perceived differently by everyone.

Back to the op, I think living with someone we can always sense when something is not quite right. Usually a sensitive is a sign someone is hiding something or not ready to discuss it yet.