Don’t know what to do

[dangermouse34]

I don’t know what to do, I’m considering ending things with my fiancé after 9 and a half years but I’m just lost as a person and don’t know who I am anymore.

He is absolutely wonderful, he cooks most of the time, does all the washing, cleans up and does more than his fair share of the chores. I love him to bits, he worships the ground I walk on and would do anything for me. I’m sexually attracted to him still but I’m still considering ending this.

for content we lost two babies to miscarriage last year and possibly a third we aren’t sure on. I’m on a waiting list to have tests to see if I can have children. Ive also been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis end of last year. He’s supported me through everything, would continue to support through anything and wouldn’t consider breaking up with me over any of this and it would break his heart, as well as mine if I broke up with him. He gave up his whole life to move three hours across the country for me, including a lot of financial assets

but I’m lost as a person, the old me feels like it’s gone, I don’t have a style I like anymore, I copy my younger sister, I don’t know who I am and what I want anymore.

You’ve been through a lot, but it sounds like your fiancé has been there for you through all of it, and you say it would break your heart to end it.
I think the best way forward is for you to get some counselling, to help you unpack some things and heal, to find yourself again 💐

I tried counselling after the miscarriages but didn’t find it helpful. I was also on antidepressants but stopped them in April

It’s not really clear in your post what the link is between you feeling you’ve lost yourself, and him?
why do you think ending it will help?
agree perhaps counselling would be good to unpack things and separate what’s what

He sounds like a good’un from what you’ve written and they don’t come along every day tbh

I'm so sorry for your losses, and your health diagnosis. I'm struck by how lovely your fiancé sounds!

My first thought was, maybe your feeling of not knowing who you are at the moment might be more to do with grief and sadness rather than anything to do with your partner?

You have been through a lot, and now face some uncertainty about your future health and family plans. I wouldn't push your fiance away at the moment.
Possibly worth chatting to your GP though about how you are feeling...might this be an adjustment reaction to the challenging times you have been facing? Talking to a therapist might help you to come to terms with your MS diagnosis and find your sparkle again x x

I don’t know I just feel like I’m not the person I used to be, I need time by myself, possibly go travelling etc but I wouldn’t be able to afford that unless I broke up with him and went back home

we got together when I was 18 and I’m 26 now

Why would you end things with someone you love and are compatible with?

What will you do if you separate? Do you have any ideas? It seems like a drastic thing to do, considering the way you still feel about him.

Does he know you're feeling how you do?

He’s not perfect far from it. We barely argue and if we do it’s only small things we argue about. Maybe he could occasionally be a bit more passionate as my love language is touch but life stresses get in the way sometimes as we both work long hours

You’ve had so much to deal with. A question about stopping the meds. Was it very slowly and under medical supervision?

I’d go back home to live with my partners and siblings. I hated it and was glad to get away but have nowhere else to go.

He’s got no idea, we’ve just come back from a lovely holiday two weeks ago and everything has been normal

I just stopped completely. My partner was against it but said he’s support my decision, but if I started feeling down again that I would retake them. I don’t want to however as all they did was stop me crying, I was still sad

Perhaps it’s stopping the antidepressants that’s caused you to feel like this. Maybe it was too soon and you need longer to adjust to things?
It’s worth having a chat with your GP to discuss this

It’s not that I want to, it’s just I feel I might need to for my mental health

Sorry, crossed post. It’s still worth discussing with your GP given they weren’t helping in the right way, there are alternatives you can explore

I would say that you don't need to leave him to find yourself. You can work on you and find yourself his support

You got together at a very young age and I’m pretty sure you’re not that person anymore, people change completely from 18 to 28, you may have outgrown this guy. Can you just take a brake? Like take of a couple of monrhs, go
home or travel, give yourself some space to be alone and figure out stuff. He sounds like a good guy but maybe you’ve outgrown him.

Anti depressants need to be tapered off very very slowly. No wonder you’re feeling rubbish! If they weren’t working you need to go back to your GP for help and support. Now isn’t the time to make huge relationship decisions.

Have you tried talking to him about how you feel?

Nope. I’m considering doing so tomorrow but not sure how he’ll take it

Please contact your GP about your MH. That’s got to be the priority.

Can you give us an idea of how/why you feel your MH might improve if you broke up with him OP? How long ago did you stop taking your AD's?

I’ll be honest that it’s not something I feel I will do. I’ve been off them for almost 3 months now and I don’t feel any different to when I was on them, except I can cry now

I can put all my focus on improving me and my mental health rather than focusing on a relationship and his needs. I’m sure he would happily give up everything to help me through this but I feel I need to do this to protect him. It also gives him the opportunity to meet someone who might be able to give him children

But that’s not saying you’re better off without any treatment. You really need support here OP.