Don’t know what to do

[dangermouse34]

I don’t know what to do, I’m considering ending things with my fiancé after 9 and a half years but I’m just lost as a person and don’t know who I am anymore.

He is absolutely wonderful, he cooks most of the time, does all the washing, cleans up and does more than his fair share of the chores. I love him to bits, he worships the ground I walk on and would do anything for me. I’m sexually attracted to him still but I’m still considering ending this.

for content we lost two babies to miscarriage last year and possibly a third we aren’t sure on. I’m on a waiting list to have tests to see if I can have children. Ive also been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis end of last year. He’s supported me through everything, would continue to support through anything and wouldn’t consider breaking up with me over any of this and it would break his heart, as well as mine if I broke up with him. He gave up his whole life to move three hours across the country for me, including a lot of financial assets

but I’m lost as a person, the old me feels like it’s gone, I don’t have a style I like anymore, I copy my younger sister, I don’t know who I am and what I want anymore.

I’ll have my family and friends, they will get me through this. I’m an independent woman too

Going back to people you don't like living with will be worse for your mental health in the long run than staying with someone you love and who loves you.

Medication doesn't work for everyone and if there was a magic cure for being ok after multiple miscarriages it would be one of the most expensive on the planet.

Be kind to yourself. You are dealing with the additional blow of MS too. It is OK to feel sad. It is OK to feel guilt. It is OK to feel hopeless.

You are 26, not 56. You still have options for having a baby. It's OK to heal and make sure your MS is managed before trying again too.
It is also OK if you don't want a baby and you are trying to because this will make him happy, that's something you need to talk about in that case.

Sounds like you’re bored of this guy, bored with your current life and need to move on, nothing wrong with that. If you don’t value your relationship you need to let him go and let him find someone that would value him. I also broke up with a guy at 25 who I had known since 18, great guy, loved me to bits and looked great on paper, but I was bored and not moving forward. Shortly after he found someone, 20 years later he’s still with her and has a son. I never regretted my decision. Some things are not meant to be and that’s just fine.

@dangermouse34 what would you be doing to work on your MH if you were alone that you can’t do now?

Your OH sounds lovely and you sound like you love him. I would caution against making any big decisions at the moment because I think you are in a fog of grief and possibly depression. Depression can leave you wondering who you are when you don’t care how you look, can’t be bothered with your hobbies and have no interest in anything anymore.

I’m really hoping you can speak to a grief counsellor.

So you've been engaged 9 and a half years, but only met him 8 or so years ago? That aside, you got engaged very young, so I'm not surprised you are feeling this way. We change a lot as people during that late teens' early twenties phase of our lives, and I'm sure your fiance feels exactly the same. However, don't just throw away such a strong relationship. Agree to take some time to yourself to fral with your grief and get the perspective you need. It's easier to do that alone. Hopefully, he will do the same, and you can stay loyal to one another. If after time apart you feel that you no lo ger want this relationship then the kindest thing to do at that point is to let him go. He will meet someone as he sounds like a great person, so you don't need to feel guilty. Sometimes, grief can cause so much devastation that a relationship becomes too difficult. Good luck to both of you.

What if you both went travelling? Would you want to go together or alone?

Apologies no. We’ve been together since 2015 and engaged since Christmas 2022

@dangermouse34 its great to have family and friends to support you. I don’t doubt you’re a strong and independent person. But depression and poor MH is an illness that requires professional treatment. That can be medication. That can be therapy. It can be signposting you to other services that can help.

If he’s great and you’re sexually attracted to him, wait. You to me sound depressed and as though he is the default embodiment of why. You’ve been through a lot. Please have counselling, see about antidepressants and see how you feel in 3 months?

This is key. You want to leave because despite knowing that he will support you, you don’t want to be a “burden”, or someone you feel is holding him back from having children.

OP lots of couples go through this. He loves you and wants to be with you. Don’t push him away because you think it’s best for him and you’re not in a place that you want to be. It sounds like together you are stronger.
Making such a huge decision with everything you’ve been through is not a good idea. Instead, find a way to go travelling together, even if just for 2-3 weeks if money is an issue, so you’ve got a new focus and an opportunity to make some happy memories. You will start to feel like you again, it will just take time 💐

We went on holiday a couple weeks before, it was lovely but I still have those feelings. Told him we need to talk later

It's doubtful your MH would get better without him, unless the problem is that he does too much and you feel smothered. Do you see your own friends? Is there any reason you can't travel together? Why would you have more money for travelling if you separated?
I suspect your life for the past couple of years has been about TTC, and its no coincidence that aiming for that is the opposite of being free to travel. You probably feel that travel is a good way of putting the losses behind you. Also, with the MS diagnosis, it's understandable to want to experience life as much as possible while you are able.
You are assuming that your fiancé is still on the same path that you were on, and are wanting to cut him free so he can pursue that path with someone else. He may well of changed his opinions now too, but you will only know this by talking to him. Don't start the conversation saying you want to split. Start by saying what you want to do in life. If you want to put babies on the back-burner and travel, ask him if he'd be with you on that. Give him the choice to help you with new aims or not. If he doesn't want to do those things with you, then yes, perhaps it's better to go it alone, but you should find out where he's at with it first.
Also, you have the losses as more than a reason to be depressed, but the MS is also known to cause it too, so you may well need meds long term to combat that. There are many different meds available, to give up on all of them, before you have tried to find one that suits is a mistake and not helping yourself. Go back to your GP and try something else, then keep trying until you find what works. It's fair enough if you've done all that without improvement, but you haven't yet.

I’m quite shocked, reading the advice given to a woman who seems to be unhappy with her life and her man which is “medicate yourself and continue putting with that man and that life that is clearly making you depressed”.

(The patriarchy really did a number on us)

Women should be supported to thrive, strive, be happy and move forward with their lives , not “medicate yourself so you can put up with the reasons that are making you unhappy “.

@samanthablues you misunderstand. It doesn’t read like the OP is being made unhappy by their partner. It reads like they have an illness. The feelings are a result of that illness. THAT is why the OP needs treatment. Once they are well then they can decide whether to stay in the relationship.

Weirdly, my partner has said the same things to me recently.

We discussed it, broke my heart but we've remained together. I am the closest persont o him, so the easiest person to blame.

If you already know breaking up with him is going to break your heart, then try to visualise him as part of your team, not the problem.

You (both) have been through an awful lot of traumatic things, and supported eachother well by the sounds of things.

Dont make a permenant decision like this is a rush, take your time to try and heal. If you still feel like this in a few months time then yeah - fair enough.

Let me disagree, the OP is depressed because she is unhappy in her life, or she may have a thyroid problem, or lack of vitamin whatever… we don’t know why she’s depressed. The only thing she can do is go to the doctor and help her figure out with blood tests and therapy why she’s depressed.

People assuming she’s depressed but perfectly happy with her partner so she needs to medicate herself… that’s nonsense.

Don't make any hasty decisions whilst you are suffering so much mentally

I think as other PP have said, you are still young & got together with this man when you were very young. Although 18 is counted as an adult legally, we don't actually mature until 25 so it could be that you have outgrown each other.

I think if your fiancé really loves you he will understand and let you go travelling or whatever it is you need to do to find yourself.
It may be that after that you get back together or you might both move on.
Personally I think it's worth having time apart due to the young age you got together and the big life experiences you have been through together. You need to expand your horizons and live a little - on your own.

Don't make hasty decisions, coming of your meds and splitting up from someone who loves you & you love them is a "massive " life changing event. How would you feel if he were to find someone else whilst you were on your travels ?

The OP has not said they aren’t happy with their partner. But they were medicated for depression, stopped that and now they feel rotten. So go back to the GP.
I’m guessing some of you haven’t ever been depressed. Lucky you!! I have and I know that in the grip of depression is not the time to make big decisions about relationships.

The OP has said she was sad on the medication and is sad off it but now "can cry".
There is a possibility that the relationship is part of the reason for you feeling the way you do, OP.
In the years that a lot of people were having fun, playing the field etc you have been in a very serious relationship and experiencing the pain of miscarriage. Maybe it has all just felt too much too soon.
As I said, if your fiancé really does love you as much as you say then I think he might want to give you the space you seem to crave. That doesn't have to mean splitting up.

Or is the real problem the guilt you feel towards him because of the possible problems having children and your MS diagnosis?

I told him. He’s devestated I’d even consider it but we’ve agreed to work through it together. I’m going to see how it goes.

Good luck OP. But please do seek help with your MH too. Everything looks clearer and easier to deal with if you’re MH is good.