Husband checking phone

[GiveMeStrength1989]

Just recently my husband has started going through my phone , we've been together 8 years and married for not even 1 year !
I have never given him any reason to doubt me nor do I doubt him ....
I love him more than anything and I don't know why he's started going through my phone .
I recently got a new job but turned it down because the hours were not family friendly and there were a lot of people from my 'old life' there so decided it wasn't for me .
Long story short we had words about the prospect of me going back to this old company and I respected what he said .
But since he's gone through my phone and read messages between me and my friends and is basically saying he doesn't respect me and looks like he wants out ?

I am literally perplexed, one message he saw was me saying " all men are arseholes" which was referring to my friends other half as they are having issues .
He immediately said I was disrespectful and didn't appreciate anything he does .
( This is the problem with a quick snoop , he has no idea of the context or intonation) I wrote that not even thinking about him , it was a throw away comment to my friend about her partner !!!

I am exhausted of trying to make him see that I absolutely don't think he's an arsehole and it all just seems so unnecessary to me 😕

Don't really know what I'm asking for , just needed to get it off my chest !

He's projecting.

Have a look through HIS phone.

But would he be happy if you got a job somewhere else. If he doesn't want you to work that's a big red flag.

Has he been listening to Andrew Tate or one of the other unpleasant men out there? He's controlled where you work and gone through you phone. Password protect your phone instantly (I don't know why it isn't) and ask to see his phone.
I think this is about submission (good grief) and control. I'd be asking where these ideas have come from.

Do you go through his phone?

This is controlling behaviour. The fact that he made you turn down a job is absolutely awful.

^This

Agree that he's acting suspicious and probably projecting

I wouldn't be delighted to see a comment that 'all women are bitches' from my dp either, in fact tbh I would probably consider ending the relationship. But it is true that 'listeners hear no good of themselves' so he should know better than to eavesdrop on you and punish you for it being upsetting.

This sounds like quite a controlling man. I agree about password protecting your phone and get yourself another job. Talk to him about it, but be wary.

@Useruserdoubleuser no , I don't go through his phone

Thanks all ,while I can appreciate it wouldn't be pleasant to read it .
I was implying it about my friends other half as that's what we were discussing at the time .
I apologised to him if he felt I was insinuating he was an arsehole , as I wasn't .
My phone is password protected but he knows it's my d.o.b 😑
I genuinely have nothing to hide , and cant believe he's taken one sentence out of a while conversation between me and my friend and blown it up so wild .

He may well have been up to something himself and is now worried that you might have done the same to him.

I had never gone through my ex-husband's phone or been unfaithful. When we had to live apart for a few months he turned up out of the blue one day, suspicious that I had another man there. I didn't, but oddly he kept ignoring his phone ringing. I asked if I could have a look and found messages showing he was cheating on me. When they accuse YOU it is likely that THEY have something to hide.

How did this occur the first time OP?
What did he say to have you handing over your phone for his inspection? 🤔
Not goading, genuinely curious.

Well, change your flipping passcodes now! Including your laptop and ipad and I don’t know what all else.

And the bigger the tantrum you get, the more reason you have to have a long hard look at your future.

Do not have children with him.

@Justleaveitblankthen

I didn't hand my phone over , he looked through my phone while I was taking our daughter to bed.
He knew my password, which I've never minded as I honestly thought he would never look and I really do have nothing to hide other than girly chats with my friends

@TheSandgroper too late , we already have children lol

Absolutely this.
He sounds like hes cheating and projecting.

Is he causing problems that don't exist so he can leave the relationship looking like the good guy leaving you with the guilt? Sounds a bit like a slow tactical exit as you've done nothing wrong and for him to threaten to leave you and your kids for this is mind boggling.

You know, really, that there's nothing ok about his behaviour. It's controlling, manipulative and abusive. He's your husband, not your owner, and he needs to stop this, and if he won't/can't then you need to leave. Don't bring your children up thinking this behaviour is acceptable. It's not.

I also suspect he is projecting, or is extremely controlling. The job bit is concerning - why wouldn’t you work with old friends? Is an ex there?

I probably say similar in messages to friends if they are struggling with a partner. Everyone moans from time to time, it’s just venting your frustrations and isn’t fit for public consumption. I’m sure my husband has had a moan about me with his friends - I have my moments - and I don’t need to hear/read what is said. Never listen at closed doors and all that.

If you've nothing to hide you shouldn't care about him going through your phone!
If this was you saying "my husband wants to go back and work at a company where there's lots of his old girlfriends" people would be saying that he should respect you and not go back there. And also if you were saying "my husband isn't happy I looked through his phone" they'd be saying he has something to hide.

Yeah - you have something to hide!

My phone is always available for my partner to read anytime he wants and vice versa (not that either of us ever has) - that's respect!

It is controlling when men and women go through each other's phone

Say he can look if you can look through his - if he says no you have a cheater on your hands. If he lets you - then he's worried contact from the other job old life guessing an x is playing on his mind,

Sounds like he is an arsehole. A controlling one who doesn't think you have any right to privacy. He'll probably read this thread too.

Change your password!

I don’t think she’s objecting to him reading her phone. It’s that she thinks he’s overreacting to one line she wrote to a friend, and is now seemingly wanting out of the relationship.