Husband checking phone

[GiveMeStrength1989]

Just recently my husband has started going through my phone , we've been together 8 years and married for not even 1 year !
I have never given him any reason to doubt me nor do I doubt him ....
I love him more than anything and I don't know why he's started going through my phone .
I recently got a new job but turned it down because the hours were not family friendly and there were a lot of people from my 'old life' there so decided it wasn't for me .
Long story short we had words about the prospect of me going back to this old company and I respected what he said .
But since he's gone through my phone and read messages between me and my friends and is basically saying he doesn't respect me and looks like he wants out ?

I am literally perplexed, one message he saw was me saying " all men are arseholes" which was referring to my friends other half as they are having issues .
He immediately said I was disrespectful and didn't appreciate anything he does .
( This is the problem with a quick snoop , he has no idea of the context or intonation) I wrote that not even thinking about him , it was a throw away comment to my friend about her partner !!!

I am exhausted of trying to make him see that I absolutely don't think he's an arsehole and it all just seems so unnecessary to me 😕

Don't really know what I'm asking for , just needed to get it off my chest !

He sounds controlling. What’s this ‘old life’ you need to stay away from? If those are his words they also hint at some underlying or latent abusive behaviour.

Load of absolute rubbish.

My controlling ex used to go through my phone. Every day. And he used to say that exact thing.

I will never let any partner look through my phone. It's not about having something to hide. I am an individual, not an extension of someone else, and I have a right to privacy.

It is certainly not respect to go through each other’s phones. It’s codependency if both parties are doing it, and controlling behaviours are not healthy. I have a right to privacy and I expect to be treated like an adult and not a child or wanton hussy who needs monitoring in case I accidentally screw someone. Doesn’t everyone expect that as a minimum?

100% came to say this!

Yup, I'd say he's up to something himself and has found a useful reason to project on to you.

Either way, he doesn't trust you, he's breeching your trust enourmously by going through your phone, he stops you taking a job.

Is this how you want to live?

Well change it!

Why did you turn down the job on his say so? That is controlling
Is this a sudden change or has he always called the shots?
Are you afraid to be yourself with him?
I have never let anyone have access to my phone. If the trust isn't there, the relationship is doomed anyway
Change your password right now

Sounds like he's looking for excuses to cause an argument. You did nothing wrong OP, don't let him gas light you into thinking you have.

Honestly it does sound like he's projecting and if I was you I'd be having a look at his phone without him knowing.

Well change it then, ffs.

There is absolutely nothing respectful about going through your partners phone. I know my husbands passcode and he knows mine but we respect each other enough not to go through it. It’s an absolute invasion of privacy and has got nothing to do with having something to hide.

I disagree with this. Been with husband 30+ years and have no issues with us going through each others phones. Our whole lives are open book. Finances, phones etc. why wouldn’t they be? If he didn’t want me going through his phone is when I’d worry and actually bother to do it.

He is controlling and abusive.
He has zero right to go through your phone.
He is controlling and you need to take it very seriously.
Get back to work full-time and stop having children with him.
This is not a good man.
Men like HIM are arseholes.

He's abusive to you and controlling
Change your passcode if you feel safe doing that
Speak to women's aid if you can

He’s looking to pick a fight. Ignore him.

or fair is fair. You get to go through his phone.

Check his phone. Don't ask for permission. Just pick up his phone and check it. If you don’t have the passcode ask him while the phone is in your hand. If he refuses say, ‘But I thought we were sharing our phones. You went through mine, and now it’s my turn to go through yours’. Just see how he reacts. I bet he has plenty to hide.

I recently got a new job but turned it down because the hours were not family friendly and there were a lot of people from my 'old life' there so decided it wasn't for me .
Long story short we had words about the prospect of me going back to this old company and I respected what he said

Hang on a moment… you ‘respected what he said’. Does that mean he talked you out of taking a job with lots of people from your ‘old life’?

He sounds controlling. He sounds pathetically insecure. And he sounds like he has strong potential to be abusive, if he isn’t already.

Take his phone and go through it when he's left it somewhere..

As PP have said change your passcode and don't tell him.

OH and I both know each other's passcode (DOB very boring) but have never and would never dream of looking at each other's phones.

Have a look at his phone if you get the chance - what's good for the goose, he has no grounds to complain. However, do it just FYI, it could be enlightening. But if you can manage to not let on and obviously use the info, then change your PW. There is a big problem that he thinks it's OK to go through your messages to the extent that he's brazen about it. If you don't have respect between you, what's the point?

Yeah, I wondered about this. What does it mean?

You applied for a job, an ex works there and DH didn't like it? Or literally old friends from pre-dh life? Have you ever cheated or anything?

He shouldn't be looking through your phone or telling you what job to take.

If there's an issue around trust, that's something you should talk about openly but not something that results in him inspecting you and controlling you.

Basically, if it's like 'last year I had an affair, now I want to work with the guy every day' I can see why he might have an issue. If it's 'theres a friend in this job from back when my life was fun before dh' you also have an issue - with DH and what he's made your life become.

Change your password Ffs. If you’re not willing to do that, at least tell your friends your creepy husband feels he has a right to read their private messages. You shouldn’t have apologised either.

Absolutely this!

my partner and I know each other’s passwords, but we don’t go through each others phones (as far as I’m aware- if he does he has clearly been disappointed at the boring shit he found) and if we needed anything off the others phone (photos or a number for example) we would ask. It’s just respect. While we live together we still have our own things that we don’t automatically just take from the other person. That’s just rude and disrespectful.

Also, I would probably see some ranty text about me when I’ve been a complete twat, and probably vice versa. We don’t need to see that- it would just cause upset! 😂

I would absolutely be questioning his actions OP. I know it’s hard, but his behaviour is really out of order. It feels like he was looking for something and the only thing he found was that.

good luck.

Edited as replied to myself not the person I meant to reply to.

Well women on here say there is nothing wrong with going through men's phones as women have issues

It is controlling and not on no it is in no way acceptable for anyone to do this

I never see women here saying this.

Yet when women come on her saying that their men don't want them to look through their phone they're told that the man must be hiding something and is cheating - no one ever says "oh you must be projecting on your man and must be cheating"