Invited to a do, but

[Notaninch]

There's a chance of bumping into an abusive ex there. Long story short, I went NC 3 months back. It was an on off situation. He's gone on a smear campaign since. Looking back, while we were together he gaslighted me, intimidated me, humiliated and belittled me, ghosted, triangulated, you name it. He is known to the people going, but is not friends or 'invited', they nothing of the abuse. He's just likely to be at the venue. Basically he's a deranged narc/sociopath/vile individual.

For the purpose of the do, I would like to go. But should I because I want NC for the rest of my life, but being put in this dilemma kind of makes me feel isolated. What would you do?

My username says it all, I don't want to him give an inch, not an iota.

I'd go, totally blank him if he is there and get on living your life

Personally I would avoid if he's a true narcissist he will try and hoover it's all a fun sick game to them. If you feel strong enough that there's no feelings or attraction like sure then go but if there is then please avoid

Can you go with someone, that gives me confidence and you always have someone around you?

@WhosEmmaaaaaaa That's what I was thinking I might do. Blank.

@Katej82 In the on off situation he hoovered me at least 3 or 4 times via text and in person, at the time I was completely unaware of NPD. He hasn't a chance of being successful at hoovering me ever again, he repulses me.

@FloydPink I can go with someone and I can stay in a group while there, will also arrange to get dropped off by someone.

I'm more concerned about how to be as he's sure to be buzzing around and try to get a reaction from me. I don't want to give him anything whatsoever. He has a few flying monkeys too and I don't wish to interact with them other.

either not other

I wouldn't go. It's a shame to miss the event, but he sounds toxic, and you probably wouldn't enjoy it, waiting to see if he was there and what he would do. It's all too soon.

It's only been three months and he is an abusive, dangerous person. Is it really worth it?

Three months on? No. He's an abuser with a track record of humiliating you, who will have an audience, a wounded ego and nothing to lose. Safety first.

I'll have to come up with something tight to turn down the invitation. 3 months on is still early and I would probably feel on edge the whole time. I can't believe people like this exist. He's an abusive, dangerous man who's isolated me. Ugly to the core.

Can you be honest with the host? "I'd love to come but my abusive ex will be there and I have to protect myself."

Is it bad enough that you'd be able to get a restraining order?

This.

Also what Perky said

I think I’d be having a quiet chat with the mutual friends who have no idea he’s abusive. If you and your ex were my friends, I’d want to know because I’ve got a zero tolerance policy on people who abuse their partners.

There are no mutual friends between us, only what I would call a few acquaintances.
I have given a couple of my friends and an acquitance, a very brief outline of the abuse. I need to think of my safety. I also need to think of my rights, this individual has zero right to isolate and intimidate me.

You just need to give this event a swerve and yes you shouldn’t have to but the reality is it’s the easy, low drama way of avoiding contact. There’s nothing stopping you making arrangements with people to see them at any other time or place. I’d plan something really lovely for myself for the same date.

Updating to ask for further advice. I didn't attend the aforementioned invite, btw

I blocked ex everywhere, including SM. However, he's made a new profile and recently contacted me out of the blue. I have not accepted the chat. And I haven't blocked the new profile as yet because I am concerned about him taking out even worse revenge, I already feel isolated as it is. On the new profile, he keeps a noticeable 'harem' of supply, a few relatives and a few enablers/flying monkeys.

I am concerned about the impact this abuser may have on my DC, job and my general wellbeing. He lives locally and without sharing too much, he is a massive scumbag, just vile. I don't feel safe walking around the local area anymore - to the shops or on my work commute. I used to go out locally every few months to live gigs - I don't feel comfortable knowing he or his flying monkeys may be there, so I don't go out anymore.

I'm considering reporting to the police, speaking with women's aid, my GP and possibly my boss who has experience and expertise with DA. Again, I am concerned that by doing so it may do more damage than provide support.

Thanks for reading and any advice.

That's so awful. Do you have family in the area? I would be very tempted to move away.

How long did your relationship last? Did you live together?

I really think you should report it to all those people. You never know when you might need their support or their backing.

I don't think you shouldn't go, don't give him that power. Go, ignore him and if anyone asks about him, tell them exactly who he is without making a drama of it.

Good luck!

@MounjaroUser It was an on off situation, where I left him more than once but was hoovered back in. Over a span of 6 months, though was not a solid relationship over that time even though ex said we were exclusive.

I'm established where I live, I can't move away as I won't be able to afford it and family don't live all that close by. If anything, ex's living conditions and job prospects are shaky, including what I know I understand to be a wake of chaotic relationships and DC he doesn't see, so it should be him who moves away.

Can I ask why you are so physically scared? Don't get me wrong, I'm more than aware of how these personalities can make life extraordinarily difficlt but you seem to be specifically worried about your physical safety - was he physically abusive while you were together? And did you ever report that? If not, what makes you thyink that if you run into him he might be now? And can you report that?

The best way to deal with people with narcissistic tendencies is not to react. So, assuming he is NOT likely to start beating you up or following yo uhome to force his way into your house (and if he is, see above re reporting him), you need to be prepared to completely ignore his presence as much as possible. If he approaches you, remain non-commital - "hello" and then wander off to get a drink, speak to someone else etc. At social events, I strongly recommend you have people who you trust and who know about the situation to be on hand. Keeping his behaviour secret is actually counter productive as you look like the crazy person which is absolutely what he wants - narcissistic personalities need YOU to look deranged to the outside world, it's part of how they control you and how they get supply off you.

In the meantime, do not respond to the chat. If he tries again, block again. You owe him nothing and no explanations at this point.

Oh, and just to add - the feeling like repoting him will just make it worse is actually what people like this rely on. Often they ramp this up themselves by counter threatening, "oh, well I'm sure the police will want to hear about how YOU behaved" and they'll refer to specific events where you lost it due to their behaviour or things that actually aren't really tha tbig a deal but make you question yourself.

I’d telling him in simple terms any further communication will be treated as harassment and he is not to contact you again.

and I’d contact the police now to give them a heads up on him. Any further contact and I.would ask the police to consider it harassment.
when reporting I would also ask for advice / guidance on how to keep safe and best handle him

I'm physically scared because I believe that although I had been out drinking with friends at the time, he raped me, at least twice. On the first occasion, it was near a public area and he's since spread a rumour that I led him on to shag him. All I can now recollect from flashbacks is that he took me by the hand and ordered me to get into *, undress and at the end shouted at me saying that people will think he's taken advantage of me because I was drunk and walked off.

I've also discovered that he has a significant drug problem and possibly a criminal record and possibly banned from seeing DC.

Fucking hell OP I'm sorry that happened to you but if you'd put that in your OP then I wouldn't have put the response I did.

Don't go, stay safe