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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve turned my life upside down

40 replies

duvetday0006 · 09/07/2024 22:36

Sorry; quite long but here goes.

Married with 1 DC together.

Ten years ago I met someone on a night out. It was a drunken kiss and a cuddle in the nightclub. We exchanged numbers and I was horrified to find out he’d lied about his age and was in fact only 18 to my 21. We got on so well despite my reservations and he kept wanting to meet me. We texted every single night and eventually said “I love you”. However we were both young and I was non commital, he was 18, good looking young guy wanting to probably sleep around a bit. In fact he told me he did. In time I met someone, he figured it out, told me part of him would always love me and I told him the same. New guy cheated then I met DH shortly after. For a while we remained friends then he messaged me on Facebook one day and I panicked, blocked him with no explanation. Silently unblocked him at some point (can’t remember when).

Flash forward to Friday. I was on fb messenger for the first time in years as an acquaintance had sent me a message. I looked through my messages and sent a big stupid blue thumbs up to him by accident. I panicked and deleted it. He popped up a fee
minutes later asking if everything was ok as he’d seen a deleted message. I said yes and then apologised for ghosting him all those years ago, said I didn’t deserve him at the time. Told him I was married, not trying to pursue him romantically and hoped he was having a great life. He said not to be silly and that I was always delightful and always kind. He was so kind that it made me well up. I said thank you, appreciated his time and that he was a lovely person. And ever since this happened I can’t look at DH the same way which is horrible to say. I’m feeling like an idiot, distracted by thoughts of him like a love struck teenager. It’s brought all my feelings for the original guy back and highlighted all of the problems I’ve had with DH which I now cannot stop thinking about. I’ve suggested separating due his unreasonable behaviour (thoughts of this sparked by me stupidly contacting this man). My husband is a good man, there ls a reason why we are together, we have a child together. However he can be cruel, distant and emotionally abusive. Now I’m stuck in this endless comparison between my idea of someone I don’t even know and my everyday husband who is flawed but not evil.

I know I need a good slap. I know I don’t know this man and we won’t be in contact again.I just want some motivation for one last go with my marriage. He’s agreed to talk things through in order for us to give it one last try. I know I’m being very ridiculous comparing someone I have met once with my husband. I was just touched at how “there” he was for me in comparison to my husband who ignores my messages half the time. As for contacting my “ex”, my DH admitted to me that he had contacted an ex that things ended on bad terms with years ago, I didn’t have a problem with it and this is genuinely not a tit for tat thing. Not my relationship and not my business.

Any advice on where the heck to go from here would be appreciated. TIA.

OP posts:
MounjaroUser · 09/07/2024 22:39

My advice would be to leave your husband - never willingly live with a cruel and abusive man.

Then I'd recommend a few months on your own, and see what happens afterwards.

Original poster
duvetday0006 · 09/07/2024 22:40

Thank you. I think that sounds sensible xx

OP posts:
ThisIsaNiceDress · 09/07/2024 22:43

What @MounjaroUser said…

lifesrichpageant · 09/07/2024 22:44

yeah, forget about the other guy and ask yourself if you want to spend your life with a 'cruel' man!? This FB situation is only highlighting what you don't have and what other potential there is out there.

Original poster
duvetday0006 · 09/07/2024 22:45

@lifesrichpageant yeah. I think my mind is pretty much made up. But can I get some kind of drug to stop me obsessing over this attractive younger man please 😂 driving myself completely mad.

OP posts:
TinyKittenPaw · 09/07/2024 22:45

I think you should try and separate your thoughts.

focus for now on the marriage. The decision you make now will be a life changing one so don’t make it on a whim.

It is very easy to be taken back to a very different time with a message like this - you were 21 and wow wouldn’t we all like a holiday / daydream about being back there for a bit. But it’s not a choice between your husband and being 21 again.

I think if you are giving your marriage a last try perhaps some expectations could be made on your husband being more attentive and present for you so you have a bit more of the feeling this message gave you in your marriage.

It is so gratifying and heartwarming to have a sense of care / respect/ fondness that has endured through the years. I can understand how it’s made you feel.

Mrsmouse71 · 09/07/2024 22:46

Forget the other guy but seriously question your relationship with your husband...
What are you getting out of it??

Original poster
duvetday0006 · 09/07/2024 22:47

@TinyKittenPaw you summarised it beautifully at the end there. It was the nicest thing someone has said to me in years tbh xx

OP posts:
TinyKittenPaw · 09/07/2024 22:48

Ohhhh - I missed the cruel and emotionally abusive after the bit where you said he was a good man. I would make a quick decision about your marriage with some significant thought to the impact of staying with someone who behaves like this. .

Original poster
duvetday0006 · 09/07/2024 22:49

@Mrsmouse71 I used to think that because I’d had a difficult time with friends in the past, been cheated on and had major health problems I almost deserved a rosy love life at this point. So something ought to have worked out, and my marriage couldn’t fail. But that’s life. And now I’ve brought a dc into it xx

OP posts:
Fiery30 · 09/07/2024 22:53

How can your husband be a good man, if he is cruel and emotionally abusive? That is quite the opposite of good. Reflect on your marriage and consider whether this it is actually healthy for you to still be in this relationship.

Original poster
duvetday0006 · 09/07/2024 23:07

@Fiery30 I completely understand why you think that. I do believe that people aren’t black and white and that there is good and bad in everyone. He has a lot of good qualities and we’ve tried to address the bad many times. Perhaps it’s just that those messages from the past guy smacked so much of “being a good man” that it was a wake up call? Wish I could stop thinking about him it’s pathetic. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
duvetday0006 · 09/07/2024 23:16

I have a young child and am married and should not be feeling this way 😟 WHY DID I MESSAGE HIM?!?😳

OP posts:
Original poster
duvetday0006 · 09/07/2024 23:19

Thanks to everyone who has responded ❤️ got a lot to think on here. I’ve not been able to tell a soul IRL so it’s like a weight has been lifted xx

OP posts:
unsync · 09/07/2024 23:22

My husband is a good man, there ls a reason why we are together, we have a child together. However he can be cruel, distant and emotionally abusive.

Just read the bold parts, can you see the contradiction? It is a fact that abusers are not abusive 100% of the time or their victims would not stay. Don't be deceived by "the good", it is there to keep you down.

The reason you messaged the other man is that subconsciously, you are aware that your life could be better and happier.

Original poster
duvetday0006 · 09/07/2024 23:27

@unsync yes I agree. I can’t bear the thought of him being upset and on his own, but now it’s a choice between my happiness and his.

I worry that I’ll never actually meet a version of the original man in real life with my lovely dc in tow. But it’s not my focus now xx

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/07/2024 23:37

He is cruel emotionally distant and emotionally vulnerable. You've already tried to work through it many times. But you're giving it one last try? What is going to change this time? Has he recognised that he is abusive and prepared to undertake extensive work on himself including a load of therapy to try and change these lifelong thought processes and patterns of behaviour? As realistically that's what it's going to take, not just more empty promises to change and crossing your fingers for a personality transplant.

You're contacting another man because your sub conscious recognises your relationship is shit and thinks you deserve better. It's not about the man it's the alternative version of reality that he represents

Original poster
duvetday0006 · 09/07/2024 23:40

@DrinkFeckArseBrick i agree with everything you said and your username has made me laugh for a second through this shitty time, so thank you xx

OP posts:
ColinMyWifeBridgerton · 10/07/2024 00:08

The other man is a red herring. If I were you I'd leave the other man out of it completely, and focus on your current marriage. Instead of thinking of the man you could have if you weren't with your husband, think: do you actually want to be with your husband? For me, realising I'd much rather be alone than in the relationship was way more powerful a wake up call than thinking I'd rather be with someone else.

I suspect when you're feeling less vulnerable you'll think more clearly about the ex. I have an ex like this too, by the way. Met him at 15 and fell madly in love with him, haven't seen each other in 20 years now, but have been in contact my whole adult life. When things are good in my life I value his friendship deeply, that mutual respect and tenderness from someone who has known you that long is very comforting. When things are bad in my life, I convince myself that I'm in love with him. I'm not, it's just that my mind switches to an easier time when I was 15 and hadn't yet made all the fucking stupid choices that have lead me to whatever is making me feel bad. Inside I feel like the same person I was then, except if course I'm not, because I'm trapped by the realities of my adult life. I bet something like this is happening to you. I learned to recognise it for what it was and sure enough the feelings disappear as soon as things are better or some time has passed.

Original poster
duvetday0006 · 10/07/2024 06:50

@ColinMyWifeBridgerton you’re
absolutely spot on I think xx

OP posts:
BananaSpanner · 10/07/2024 06:58

Forget the other man for a second and tell us more about your husband and marriage. I feel like you’ve casually dropped some big words in there that will push posters to say leave him because that is what you want to hear.

Burntout101 · 10/07/2024 07:03

ColinMyWifeBridgerton · 10/07/2024 00:08

The other man is a red herring. If I were you I'd leave the other man out of it completely, and focus on your current marriage. Instead of thinking of the man you could have if you weren't with your husband, think: do you actually want to be with your husband? For me, realising I'd much rather be alone than in the relationship was way more powerful a wake up call than thinking I'd rather be with someone else.

I suspect when you're feeling less vulnerable you'll think more clearly about the ex. I have an ex like this too, by the way. Met him at 15 and fell madly in love with him, haven't seen each other in 20 years now, but have been in contact my whole adult life. When things are good in my life I value his friendship deeply, that mutual respect and tenderness from someone who has known you that long is very comforting. When things are bad in my life, I convince myself that I'm in love with him. I'm not, it's just that my mind switches to an easier time when I was 15 and hadn't yet made all the fucking stupid choices that have lead me to whatever is making me feel bad. Inside I feel like the same person I was then, except if course I'm not, because I'm trapped by the realities of my adult life. I bet something like this is happening to you. I learned to recognise it for what it was and sure enough the feelings disappear as soon as things are better or some time has passed.

I have a similar situation, it's good to read someone else has this experience as I can't talk to anyone in real life.

Original poster
duvetday0006 · 10/07/2024 07:21

@BananaSpanner also a good point yes. didn’t sleep well so not thinking too straight but can tell you the main general issue is that he does not seem that interested in spending time with us as a family, he has a hobby which in his mind dominates which we have spoken about relentlessly. He thinks he has compromised by doing less of it when in reality I want to be with someone who is around more. Who wants to genuinely spend time with me and not just do what he wants to do. He used to be more like this so it’s been a slow process of realising his attitude.So his hobby is not the issue it is his attitude around it, again we have had this conversation many times including recently. I probably feel drawn to the first guy because he made time for me when he would have been at his work on a Friday morning, just to check I was ok. Again, something I’m not getting from my husband.

The more horrible side of it is the times when he has been emotionally abusive. Starting fights out of nowhere recently, berating me in public and storming off. After me bringing up how I want him to be around/help out with dc more. He doesn’t seem to care about the devastation he causes me when he reacts like that, it’s only about his feelings. And I said cruel in that when he has done this he has left me crying for hours overnight with a dc to wake up for in the early am. And apologies a thing of the past.

it’s a lot to consider I know. Not been sleeping or eating properly for about a week. Getting less distracted by the old flame and more depressed about my situation by the day xx

OP posts:
Original poster
duvetday0006 · 10/07/2024 07:27

I feel like I was so intent on steaming ahead with marriage and having a baby that I never stopped to look at how I was being treated or what I wanted out of a relationship. I just accepted the one I was in as no relationship is perfect but tbh things have got worse in the years immediately preceding and after our marriage . That message put a crazy spell on me is what it feels like, and it has turned everything completely on its head. However if I hadn’t sent it, it wouldn’t have brought these issues to a head. I would like to feel normal again.

OP posts:
Jasmineinthegarden · 10/07/2024 07:28

The old flame is a symptom of what is wrong. You sound very lonely and unhappy. You aren’t getting what you need out of your marriage. That’s the problem. Maybe this can be a catalyst to leaving your husband. His future happiness is his problem. Your future happiness is yours.