Stag or Partner - please offer opinions.

[EyesWideShut01]

Please help. So we have a year old baby who literally does not sleep. Will wake every single hour of every single night, and I function on 2hours max a night of broken sleep. Been breastfeeding for a year as it was best but my body has been drained of every ounce of life. That on top of hyperemesis for 8 months. Basically my mind and body has been through hell. All I asked for was support and understanding. Partner has gone out many times whilst pregnant, promised to be home by night time but didn't and I ended up in hospital on a drip as I was too weak to get uo for a drink. That's what hyperemesis does to you. Even after birth, he would go out on this retirement, that retirement, office Christmas party in may and staying in hotels when I asked, well begged, please stay and help me at night as I can't cope. Mentally I'm exhausted and have PND. His family see me as the enemy and he has lied to my face and denied it even when caught out on the lie!
Issue now is a stag. He went for three days abroad and I wasn't told any details until a week before. He comes back and says there is now a second home stag. I've set an ultimatum that it's the stag or me. I can't keep feeling second best and always an after thought. He is best man and it's his brother stag but am I wrong in wanting support from him? If baby slept it wouldn't be an issue but when my mental health is so bad that I've been unable to return to work, on antidepressants now too and just feel utterly lost, am I being selfish? He says it's tradition. He be gone a full weekend again. I've said go but just come back in the night, they will all be half cut and at least he can still help me. But he refuses.
Looking for opinions as I have no one else to talk to.
Thanks for reading

OP, stick to your guns, and follow through if he chooses the stag.

Have you got parents who can come assist you?

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation OP. You know your partner’s being shit, you’re unsupported and you’re not being unreasonable. From reading your post, I wouldn’t be surprised if your DP is a big part of why you’re depressed and you may find you feel better able to cope without him. Can you get support from elsewhere?

It's traditional to go out one evening and have a drink.
He's an arse and getting away with it.
Have you talked to your HV and or GP for advice? I would consider supplementary bottles or stopping BF

There is help in the day purely for company but nothing to take baby so I can have a few hours rest. I use any time cleaning and trying to relax.
He says I'm.being unreasonable and selfish and put a bullet to his head. He goes out and after the fact says I'm sorry. He has done this many many times. I had whooping cough, cough to point of vomiting and he left me for two days for a birthday party for his niece, why, because he was invited.
Apparently his family have all said I'm being unreasonable. I've packed him up, moved all his things out and yet he still insists on going. I thought sense would prevail but he says I'm throwing away our family for a weekend. It feels like mental coercion.

Are you saying you're still breastfeeding hourly through the night with a 1y/o? That seems somewhat abnormal, but regardless if so, you should be expressing milk and making your partner do his share of the night times.

You should also have the same amount of free time for socialising away from the home as he does. So if he get's to go away for a weekend with his mates, you do to. Did you discuss all this before having kids? Surely he was aware that young children would affect his social life?

I'm not sure, however, that an ultimatum over his brothers stag do is the hill to die on here. It sounds a bit late in the day for that unfortunately. So maybe let him have his one last hurrah, and then his shenanigans stops. You could also do a deal with him that if he goes on this second stag do that he stays sober and looks after your child through the wedding, while you enjoy yourself. Not that he'd likely to agree to it, but the thought of it might wake him up to his parenting responsibilities.

I appreciate why you’ve given him an ultimatum, but surely you are hurting yourself more if you go through with it? You will be on your own with 0 support - so less than you have now?

Does he actually do anything with his child, any housework or anything?

@EyesWideShut01

he left me for two days for a birthday party for his niece

I mean, I don't even know what to say OP. Does he have any redeeming qualities at all?

I'm so sorry OP, this sounds horrific. You are absolutely doing the right thing by packing his belongings and telling him to go. I agree with others that when the dead weight has gone it'll feel slightly easier, it doesn't sound like he helps much at all.

Is there anyone who could have the baby for just one night to let you rest? Family or a friend? I would do this for a friend in a heartbeat, if you have anyone, please reach out to them x

Everytime he's gone out he said its the last time and would ask me before hand if it's OK to go. It never happened. Same for overtime, he works shifts and then tells me he is working more. He earns over 100k and yet always wants more. He is a workaholic.

No I'm not going to the wedding as I'm not welcome there. No one has been in touch with me to see how I am in 4 months. Not a single text. I sent pics of our child and had no replies so I stopped.

Baby wakes through night and just wants me as his dummy. He tries settling him but gives up after a few min. So he helps by nappy changes and making bottles as we tried topping up feeds. He Never ever puts him down for bedtime. I ask for a bath and he hovers outside asking is it ready for baby. I've stopped feeding at night as I can't be a dummy anymore so he tries to help sush him. Only stopped this week. It's more for mental support for me to have him, and a lay in in the morning, and for me to even go to the loo at night without baby crawling out of bed and hurting himself. When I'm home alone I have to carry him to loo through the night. We cosleep with side car as it's the only way he settles. He is a proper velcro baby. I've tried everything possible and he won't sleep any other way.

We discussed a baby and he promised I would always be no1 regardless and baby and my needs come first. He knew how important this was as I left my previous 15 year relationship for being treated like s@#t.

He didn't get me anything for my birthday or Christmas. He just never ever thinks of me but does wonderful things for his family. I'm.not materialistic but it hurts when your partner ignores you like this but pretends to the outside he is a perfect partner.

I'm so sorry not it sounds like he doesn't love you any more and wants away as much as possible.

Remind him that when you inevitably split because of his behaviour he'll get custody of the baby 50% of the time so his going out days will be over, and that might buck him up a bit.

Get your ducks in a row first though, ie pay slips, bank account details etc if you're married so you can get your share.

You've issued your ultimatum and now need to stick to your guns. Yes, his brothers stag may be exceptional, but he should have thought of that all the times he's been out for no good reason which have brought you to the end of your tolerance. If you separate, do you have somewhere to go where you can be supported? Parents for example? Because my only reservation about separating now is if you have no one, you will lose even his minimal help, so you might want to hold fire until you can cope better completely alone.

Come on OP it's so obvious he cares nothing for you or the baby. Prepare to be a single parent.
I did not tolerate this behaviour from my exH. He had to go.

Get rid of him and stop breastfeeding. You need to get your health back.

Get rid of the useless man

Sleep train your child

It's my house. I made sure my home was secure for my first child and not to be relient on a man. My ducks are in a row in that sense. I never thought he would put me in this position after promising me the world when we met. My ex almost cost me my life through the abuse he put me through and I took an OD. It hurts this time even more that he just don't respect me, even more so when I'm flat on my face and saw what my ex put me through.

There isn’t any other option. Your so called partner is as useless as tits on a bull. He will never improve so don’t bother issuing ultimatums. He will just lie, bargain, argue, and then piss all over you.

ETA after your last post. He is abusing you because of your previous abusive relationship not despite it. You gave him a blueprint for how to control you when you told him about it. He didn’t learn what not to do he learned how far you would go to stay in a toxic relationship.

You left your previous relationship for him?

No my first relationship ended and we got together after but he witnessed what my ex put me through.

Yanbu. I gave my ex husband the same ultimatum 16 years ago, me or another long weekend away drinking when we had two young children.
He went and I mentally checked out and left him six months later. I had epileptic toddler, a job and a baby. he had taken three trips that year and it was only may. i needed a break but never got one.

Baby needs to learn that his dad is his parent also, and capable of filling his needs. It's no good him doing 2 minutes token gesture and then giving up and passing the baby back to you. It's not easy, but you need to get past that somehow. Have a night away somewhere, even if just to make dad and baby do it themselves.

One of my dc was clingy like this, and he'd wake every hour throughout the night. It carried on until he was 4, and then just stopped, thankfully. But we shared attending to him, and so he was fine to be soothed back to sleep by either parent. He also suffered global developmental delay - didn't grow at all between age 1 and 2, and was way behind with all milestones. Possibly related, because a baby's body does a lot of it's growing during the night, and continuously disrupted sleep can hamper it.

What do you mean by 'not welcome' to the wedding? Were you invited?

If not this would be a deal breaker for me if your partner is doing nothing to try and unite you and his child with his family.

I think yabu to use his brothers stag as the ultimatum. Sounds like you had plenty of other times to issue one.

And ?
What do you suggest? That the OP still says it’s ok and shut up? All because she had ample opportunities to issue said ultimatum before.

Its unfortunate that it falls on his brother’s stag do but then that’s HIS own fault. He could have got his acts together many times before and CHOSE not to do it. His fault.

Ignore the emotional blackmail of my family say your unreasonable too .....either he's lying or that is where his unreasonable controlling shit came from ...either way don't give it head space.
Talk to your HV about weaning off the breast at night and lack of sleep.
Get a GP health check.
Tell your oh to quit the excuses pull his weight or go back to mummy you can't have an adult child. .
If you get childcare sleep....housework is not as important as rest once you get rest the housework will be less overwhelming