Should I divorce?

[EmmetEmma]

I have wanted a divorce for a while - I asked 6 years ago. I think we are really very unhappy as a couple - we are not a unit and live as friends - no hugging, kissing, sleep separately, no sex, no dates - we talked and agreed to stay together for a few years for the children. Whilst we weren’t functioning as a couple we potter alongside each other ok - we don’t fight too much, although when we do it’s awful.

The agreed time has now past and I have asked again for a divorce. He is so sad about it and has effectively stopped talking to me (I can understand in his head I am taking his children for half the time, and half his belongings)

I will miss him, and I hate the thought of him being sad, I also hate the thought of my children worrying about him, and my children and I will be screwed financially - I earn five times less than him. But also inside I just feel the marriage has been dead for years and hard though it is, it is best to cut it and have new houses and a clarity from which to build.

I just don’t know what to do. I can’t tell if I’m being driven by selfishness or if there are good, solid reasons for me wanting to break,

I’d be so grateful for any insights or advice. Should I suck it up and stay for the sake of the children?

You already know the answer to this. Sorry it has been like this for you.

As there is no aggrevation I guess you could stay for financial security for you and the kids but you sound deeply hurt by living a lie.

Take a lover?

Why ask for a divorce, just tell him its time to move on

Have you tried counselling to understand why you're now living as friends rather than a full marriage, and whether there's any way to heal? It does sound very sad, and one of the ways to be less sad and more sure is to be confident that you're basing a split on the knowledge that you can neither rebuild something better nor accommodate what you have now.

I'm in a similar situation (earnings reversed), and not sure enough to call it either way. I think my next step is going to have to be counselling.

There are lots of different kinds of parenting partnerships too. I do think the cohabiting, coparenting, housemates and friends type goes under the radar a lot because it doesn't fit either the romantic ideal or the abusive/unfaithful dead-end scenarios we're familiar with.

For balance, there are some couples for whom pottering alongside each other is their idea of wedded bliss, and there's received wisdom that says you should marry a friend. Once the early heightened adrenaline of marriage dies down, reality sets in - and being friends and having shared values with your DH or DW is rarely talked about, but really matters (I speak from experience).

However, if your marriage isn't working for you for whatever reason it's probably time to say goodbye, but maybe consider counselling first.

Thank you so much for your replies. It really helps.

I think we are probably not good enough friends to live as friends if that makes sense. Sometimes when I have felt at my very weakest I think he has twisted the knife a bit to make things worse - although admittedly these are few and far between. He says that he doesn’t resent me but I do still feel a bit resented. I think the problem with counselling is that I don’t think I can get past these instances - few as they are.

Really thank you - I feel a bit better

I think you already know deep down. You, like many women are probably a people pleaser and have been taught to put the needs of others before your own. When you do argue, what do you argue about ? How did it get to this situation and how old are your kids?

What is the actual problem ?
Do you not want to be intimate with him or does he not wish for the same with you ?

At some point you both did in order to create children.. what happened ?

I really feel for you. I've been with my husband 16 years and somewhere along the line things have just changed. There's resentment that's built up from things that have happened and although he's acknowledged it and is trying to put it right, and I just can't shake the feeling that this isn't working. The thought of starting again and struggling financially is holding me back as I'm in a similar position to you.
I've been reading a book 'too good to leave too bad to stay' which has been helpful. Happy to chat if you need someone x

The children are 11, 14 and 16.

I can get quite emotional when we argue - I’m trying to think what it’s about - they have definitely got less frequent now we aren’t husband and wife in the normal sense. He can come across as very unimpressed a lot - which sometimes I can be sensitive about. If I ask for something to be done differently he can be very defensive and then go on the attack. I think we aren’t great at taking criticism,

I don’t know what happened really. We carried on having sex for a while after I asked for divorce - the lack of sex came from the lack of love I think - if that makes sense.

we weren’t kissing for ages, just occasionally having sex then that stopped too.

I know that I have driven it - it is because I feel resented, blamed for stuff and not loved (this was why I asked for a divorce) and then since then it’s just become more of a friendship.

You don't have to have his agreement to divorce - he's not your boss. Plan for the future for you and DC and then tell him what is happening, don't ask. If you first proposed this 6 years ago and nothing has happened, you will be waiting for ever.

I think the issue for most men is that they don't to lose the convenience of marriage;going it alone means solo parenting and having to take care of themselves and their homes and they just don't want to do that.

In most situations where the man chooses to leave the marriage it's often the case they have someone else waiting in the wings.

This is similar to my situation except its been months rather than years since I said i wanted a divorce. Its really hard. If no kids, id just leave. I look at it as, would I enter a relationship with this man now - absolutely no way. Jekyll and Hyde, miserable, fault finding, un-caring, un-supportive. Ive tried to make a list of positives - dont know if you have tried that - I came up with he is nice, friendly etc when visitors are round (which is rare). If you speak to a divorce lawyer you might find you arent at as much of a financial disadvantage as you think. Good luck with whatever you decide.

You don’t need his permission to divorce him. I’m trying to get my head around the fact that you love him enough to put his needs first when you have been depleted in this marriage for over six years. Having divorced an avoidant man myself who was practically like a lodger (we never fought, he’d just retract himself if there was conflict), my advice to you would be to realise that the marriage per se is already over so what you would be venturing into now is a business negotiation.

With children 11 and up you are likely to be allowed to stay in the house until the youngest is 18 as your income is considerably lower than his. He knows this.
That will give you some breathing space to build up a job and your independence.

For him, having to move out to a lesser abode when he has paid the bulk of the mortgage will be a defeat regardless of the fact that you may have vastly contributed more raising the kids etc. Regardless of how morose he may seem now this could become a conflict. Or not. Either way, you would need to be prepared and have an understanding of all financials BEFORE you file for divorce.

Teenagers are delightful and may react very badly to the divorce so be prepared for that. They are under development and do not always understand that you weren’t put on this earth for the sole purpose of catering to them. They may be confused and angry. They might just be engrossed in their own lives and not pay it much attention.

Honestly thank you all so much. I’m going to come back to this thread whenever I need to. I am so bloody grateful for all your comments

Sounds like that book sums up a huge number of marriages.

H

Oh @Cheryllou, I am so so sorry. I have no advice that’s worth anything but keep talking to him - has he said why? Do you think it’s another affair?

it isn’t just misery and heartache ahead, whatever happens things will feel better, how old are you? I’m so sorry you feel like this. I have to go to work shortly but I will be thinking of you. Have you got friends?

I’m so sorry to hijack your post Emma - I’m meant to a new one. I’m a twat… thank you tho - I’m 51 - feels the same heartache as when I was 14. I’ve hopefully deleted my comment. As for your situation- you e got two solid choices - proper counselling and a real will to live in a proper marriage or split. Otherwise you are kicking the can down the road for later years. If I were you knowing what I know now I would split, initially to get some space until you both feel stronger. The ideal would be to co parent separately as friends no? Your children will be upset of course but you do have to think about your life too. I wish you strength x

To anyone who is going through this agonising stage in life, grab a brew (and a biscuit, don’t forget the biscuit) and read this other thread I am on at the moment

www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5114650-things-ive-noticed-since-the-divorce

I think that as you have posted this problem and are seeking advice and opinions then maybe you are extremely uncertain about making the break: in effect, a leap into the unknown.
But you only have one life. Don't sacrifice any more of it.
He seems to be allowing you to carry the burden of all the angst, signalled by his non-communication strategy. Otherwise called sulking.
That's not grown-up, it's selfish.
You may resign yourself to this situation by thinking you should do it for the children, but when they've grown up what then?
Can you tolerate this Man-Baby 'till death do you part?