Why does my sibling, who has more money than me, shame me for buying things?

[musingmondays]

Sister is a SAHM and they don’t need to count the pennies. They have a very big house, multiple holidays, multiple trips away a year, 2 new expensive cars, pay for housekeeping and dog walking

I was shopping with her the other day and went into M&S to buy some sweets to take into work with me. All she could say was, wow this is so expensive, she’d never go anywhere but Aldi. I don’t know how true this is or not.

When we moved house, ’You’re lucky to buy a new sofa already, we had to save ages for ours’

‘You’re buying DC clothes from Next? Wow, I don’t know how you afford it. All DNs stuff is from charity shops. I’d never buy shoes new, they grow so fast’

Some of the things she’s saying I question. She makes out as though she can stretch money very far and is very savvy. It makes me feel embarrassed and shamed when she sees me to be spending because she knows we have less money. Both DH and I work decent, average-income public sector jobs so by no means rolling in it but just doing what I would call normal things.

Anyone any idea why someone might do this?

Maybe she feels like she can’t spend the money because she doesn’t earn it and is therefore jealous of your ability to buy what you want when you want.

How do you think people with money keep their money?

Just cos she has a big house etc doesn't mean they have lots of money it just means they are careful with it!

I guess we could be classed as wealthy (well invested private pension).. but my husband still only buys his clothes from charity shops and vinyted.

Just cos you have it doesn't mean you have to spend it

She does spend it though. Ie has talked before about wine subscriptions, etc

You'll know better than us what she was like growing up, but does she think you're getting 'above your station' and need to reminded that you're (comparatively) poor. I've seen similar dynamics in my family amongst sisters, one of whom had "married well' and didn't let anyone forget it!

My dad always told me, Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves. I think that's true.

Is she by any chance an older sister?

My older sister does this to me. She's got a really happy family, big home, two cars, dog, big garden, lots of friends, multiple holidays a year... I have a lot less then her yet she will shame me for anything exciting I buy for myself. I don't get it, but she'll never change!

I think the main question is why it bothers you.
What would her reaction be if you answered along the lines of "yes, I prefer next clothes for the kids, I find they're good value for my kids" and " yes, we've saved hard for the new sofa, I'm really happy we have been able to buy it".
It's all pretty neutral and she can't really react negatively to it.

Don’t let it bother you. If you can afford to shop at M&S etc. then what is it to her? Maybe she doesn’t have as much money as you think, or maybe she’s actually really terrible with money, or husband controls the money etc. I would turn it back round on her and say something to the effect of “oh that’s a shame that you have such a nice house etc. but can’t afford to even treat yourself from time to time. Maybe if you got yourself a little job you could afford nicer things”.

The OP posted two threads, in error, so we're closing this one and directing everyone over to this longer one.