Are you happy in marriage/relationship if not why do you stay ?

[Lozza24]

Just as the title says really ! Are you happy if so what makes it happy ? If you’re unhappy why do you stay?

I stay because as it stands my children not having to be alone with him 50% of the time is definitely what’s best for them. All bills are 50/50 so I don’t need his money. But he has horrific mental health issues and I would not be confident my children having to go with him if we split as wouldn’t be sensible for their well being. His mental health issues are draining but id also look the bad guy leaving at this point too. Just interested to hear if most people are blissfully happy or sticking out for a variety of reasons.

😊

I’m very happy. I’m sorry for your struggles, that sounds hard 💐

In what way are his mental health issues 'horrific'? If he's that bad, would he be able to cope with half childcare? How does his horrific disability affect the children? Is it safe for them to be around him?

I am glad you’re happy, there’s certainly people who have it way worse than me. None of my friends or family seem happy in their marriages and I’m just wondering is it unbalanced or is it just unlucky I only seem to know one couple who seem happy ironically that’s a same sex marriage x

You never quite know what version of him we’ll get. He’s up and down like a yoyo. I work from home so I’m never ever away from the children, he is also short tempered so to ensure he doesn’t loose his temper at children I never ever leave them alone they are with me or at school. He’s not physically violent just his entire demeanour is draining. I certainly don’t like nor love him, but I be patient and keep things calm and ticking over.

Does he have a diagnosis? Sounds like he suffers from bad mood swings. Does he show much interest in the children? Many men separate, threaten 50/50 and then can't be bothered. Sounds like you all tiptoe around him.

Sticking it out here .
But your situation sounds v hard , much harder than mine.

Was just looking to hear if people were happy and what makes it happy and if not why do you stay ? Anyone ?

Hope you get where you want to be in the future 💗

He’s financially dependent on me. Even if I leave, and don’t claim for the equity in the house I’d still need to pay the bills and the reality is I can’t afford to run two homes and have a life.

“he’s an adult responsible for himself” doesn’t appease the guilt I’d have to live with so this is it. Now there are health issues added to the mix.

No children so I am lucky enough to be able to throw myself into work, and I take myself off for weekends seeing exhibitions etc and doing things I enjoy. This just about lets me have a somewhat less miserable existence.

Most of the time it’s ok, other times I’m deeply unhappy. I’ve accepted the reality is we’re two people in a house share but that I also am the in house maid. Hope you manage to find what you need OP.

We are really happy in our relationship.

Because:
We come from the same background.
We have similar outlooks on life.
We have the same attitude to money.
We have the same ambitions and desires.
We have some differences but they complement each other.
We are a team.
We are fully equal in everything in life.
We are best friends.
We laugh heartily together every day.
We are considerate to each other.
We build each other up.
We support each other in huge and tiny ways.
We do nice things for each other just because.
We take the piss out of each other.
We take this piss out of ourselves.
We are honest with each other.
We admit and apologise when we act like bellends.
We don't let external pressures or expectations impact our lives.

I’m very happy in my marriage and I honestly think in part it’s because we are also best friends, we have a lot of fun together, we adore each other, we don’t take each other too seriously, we are absolutely a team and we are always laughing! We have been through some very stressful times and even when right in the trenches of stress we are each others safe place. I’m sorry that isn’t your experience x

💗

Sounds like you both make a great team 😊

Absolutely blissfully happy. I'm sorry OP, that sounds like a shit situation.

Sorry things are so difficult. Yes, I am happy. IMO to be happy you need to get on and, you need to like your partner. Have read many posts on here from posters who simply do not like their partner.

Yes definitely I think not liking your partner plays a major part in the downfall of a marriage. I glad so many of you are happy though that’s a good thing.

I stayed because I was pregnant and I was hopeful that things would be better after the baby arrived, after we moved etc etc.
he left so I didn't have to

Are you sure he'd want 50/50?

There is not a chance in hell he'd do the same for you if your situations were reversed

I’m happy with my DP even though things aren’t perfect by a long way.

He struggles with his MH and has addiction issues in the past, ptsd from childhood abuse and is likely on the autistic spectrum, so can be quite rigid in some ways.

On the plus side he’s the most honest person I’ve ever met, I completely trust him - in the way that I know he might slip up, as we all might, but I trust that he’d be open about it if he did!

He's also fascinating and clever, has a very dark sense of humour, so he’s always making me laugh, he’s very affectionate, not always in a sexual way, just wants hugs and kisses a lot, needs a lot of reassurance and gives me a lot too.

Despite his depression and anxiety he is a ray of sunshine in my life and is very loving and kind. Hopefully I am a little bit of sunshine in his darker days too.

I can’t see us ever moving in together, which again has good and bad points, but I know that whatever happens in our relationship I’ll always want him in my life even if only as a friend. I really value him, and I know he does me. That isn’t reliant on us being each others one and only person. We’re monogamous but I do also fully expect that at some point we may not be, that he might meet someone else, or I might, and that’s ok. It’s like a very loose hold we have on each other, much like holding a bird, and not gripping it too tightly in case it flies away.

Our relationship has only recently after 1.5 years become more official (ie we’ve been referring to ourselves as friends while having all the hallmarks of a proper loving partnership) and I’m hesitant to move things along for fear of rocking the boat. But I’m actually quite happy that it isn’t a ‘normal’ boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic tbh. It feels like something we’ve created from scratch and built up gradually to suit us both. Neither of us has said I love you, but we both regularly tell each other how special we are, how valued and lovely, how much we enjoy spending time together and miss each other when we’re apart.

its almost like by letting go of what I expected a relationship to look like we’ve ended up with something really special. I’m not sure I was in a place to accept that even 2-3 years ago, but since meeting this man my whole view on life has opened up.

Lozza24

Are his MH issues an excuse to further abuse you and in turn your kids?. You state that many of your friends and family do not have happy marriages, I think you’ve been unlucky here in that respect. However, no one has ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like and the marriage you are in certainly is not it.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is no model to show then because they could well emulate this as adults. You were not shown great lessons about relationships and now the cycle continues with your children. It is NOT easier to stay with someone like this man.

Do you really think he would actually get his children to care for half the week? Oh he may well kick off about 50/50 but some abusive men cite this too as a ways of avoiding child maintenance. Why should you care about being the bad guy here: your separation may be of interest to some but only in the short term. Staying for the sake of the children is a decision that often backfires, your children are not going to say “thanks mum” for staying with him. There is a whole litany of posts from adults who say that they wish their parents had separated when they were much younger. The reasons you yourself give are weak really and going forward you run a risk of your kids accusing you of putting him before them.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

Trying to protect your children also from him whilst you are all living under the same roof is impossible. Again what are these young people going to remember the most here about their childhoods?. Material things count for nothing here particularly if one parent has decided to declare his own private based war against the other.

I never said I wasn’t a fool.

Not quite 50/50 but he’d want them every weekend. Not to be extreme id rather claw my own eyes out than allow that, life isn’t hell I’ve just sadly married someone who’s mental health issues were there but in the last few years have really gotten worse. I know marriage is for better or worse but mental health is so draining for the other person in the marriage. Due to not remotely liking or loving him I spend so much of my time wishing large parts of my life away so I can be away from him hopefully. Bit like other poster he’s hopeless with money I take the lions share the majority of the time and he’s no provisions for the future either. If I’m honest it’s like having an additional child one which has lots of needs.

Ive spoken with the children they’re well aware their father has mental health issues. The children themselves have told me they wouldn’t want to go and stay away etc they prefer things as they are. I never have to be away from them so things never are an issue as I’m there. I will not leave as I’ve mentioned above as I won’t have my children away from me. I’m not looking for advice to leave as of yet was just curious on what makes the good ones work and what makes people stay. I know the alternative is not better for my children as do they. My children aren’t in danger and I don’t stay for material things I paid for everything they have I don’t rely on him financially in any way shape or form I never ever have.