Husband ick - DH 57 - do they lose it then

[NChangenowp]

Things have been difficult. I've have MH issues.
But my husband is now passive aggressive and just awful. Think he is having a breakdown aswell.
He loves the sound of his own voice. I think I hate him. He's so nasty to me. Do men have the male menopause? Well?
He was much better when he was younger. I met him at 21. Now he's just rigid and narcissistic.
Anyone else have this as men get older?
Help!

How is he nasty? In what way? Are you peri menopausal/ menopausal yourself? I'm asking that because when I was peri, I could quite happily have throttled my dp most days. Now I'm actually menopausal, it's worn off a bit. A bit 😉

I'm menopausal. But he has gone nasty.
He is completely domineering and he's micro managing. Every second. His tone is disgusting.
He's a different person. I don't like him.

Anyone's husband gone awful after 55?

A friends husband went like it, she suspected a mental health issue or some sort of existential crisis. He alienated their adult daughters from her too...turned quite nasty but with a veneer for them of doting daddy.

OW on the scene?

My DP is late sixties and has never been like this, he is kind and generous and thoughtful, not at all rigid or unpleasant. He found his late forties/fifties tiring as was working a physically demanding job, but even then wasn’t angry with us around him.

I found the opposite, much calmer and easier going. Especially after retiring.

He dominates me. Bullies me.

No. He's in love with himself and fawning over my daughter. Which is fine.

He's very busy and stressed.

Lucky you. I'm happy for you. Unfortunately not for me.

Are you being abused? It sounds pretty abusive.

OK, so that’s the problem. What’s the solution?

How do you see the future with him? Gotta plan OP? Can we help with that?

He might mellow. Have you tried taking him away from home, out for dinner, night at a hotel and have some good conversation about how he is upsetting you?
I do hope it works out.

He is choosing to be like this. You could analyse all night as to why but what is the point? He won't change. He's not sorry.

If he was like this on your first date there wouldn't be a second one so don't give him any more of your life.

If you want, tell him you are treating me in a way that is unacceptable and you are choosing to do it. Stop it, apologise or we are over.

And mean it. Or better, just file for divorce once you've got half the money in your account.

Is your daughter also his daughter? Does she notice how badly he treats you, does he do it in front of other people?

Sorry OP, it sounds absolutely awful. It’d be ultimatum time for me. He changes his behaviour, maybe even goes to marriage counselling, or it’s divorce. You have a long life ahead of you. Go before he wears you down.

Yes it's our daughter. He does it in front of her.
And other people a bit. When I call him out I front of them they laugh awkwardly.
It is abuse. I think he's mentally not right. Now. Lots of stress.

My father became very lake this in his mid fifties. To the point where he left his wife and has alienated himself from the rest of us. He was always very emotionally charged though anyway but it was as if he had a breakdown/peak in his emotional outbursts and that was that. I have tried to contact him over the years but he isn’t interested. It’s odd as growing up I was probably his favourite.

As pps said, my DH (late 50s) is much more chilled and laid back and happy than he was some 15+ years ago. He was how you describe your DH when he was in his 30s and very early 40s (some of the time.) He would make me feel like I was always in the wrong, he would cause an argument over nothing, and he would act passive aggressive, and go silent on me for several days some weeks.

I don't know how or why I put up with it to be honest. He was horrible to me sometimes. I think I put up with it as it was all I knew, I had nowhere else to go, and he was fine/good fun/kind and loving half the time. He was OK all through his 20s too. (We met at 23.)

The good times did outweigh the bad by 60/40 I would say. (60 good/40 not so much.) Plus, we have 2 kids and I could not have afforded to live on my wages alone. He has always been a good earner. He works 3 days a week now, and so do I, and we have no mortgage and no debts and no kids at home, and plenty of surplus income. Our jobs are well paid and even 3 days a week each gives us a good joint income. And as I say, he is much happier, and nicer now.

I hate it when people suggest this on here, but your DH does sound like he may be depressed and low.

Funnily enough when he's nasty and I make no eye contact. He hates it. How do you fight narcissists? He's got so arrogant.
How do fight them? I'm on holiday and it's war zone.

No they aren't all vile. Most are lovely. I'm Not trying to say all men are awful.

He's got a lot of pressure. A lot. Maybe it's how he copes.

Your question was are all nen like this? No. My dh is as lovely at 64 as he was at 30. Good ones ripen, bad ones spoil.

I just called him out. For his comments today.
He took it. It seems like the way to do it. Is no eye contact. And daughter talked to me.
He flirts with her in a weird way. It's not sexual but it is a bit too much. It alienates and excludes me.

At heart he is/was good. He's not ripening well. I will say he's under a lot of stress.