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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband ick - DH 57 - do they lose it then

48 replies

NChangenowp · 07/07/2024 19:57

Things have been difficult. I've have MH issues.
But my husband is now passive aggressive and just awful. Think he is having a breakdown aswell.
He loves the sound of his own voice. I think I hate him. He's so nasty to me. Do men have the male menopause? Well?
He was much better when he was younger. I met him at 21. Now he's just rigid and narcissistic.
Anyone else have this as men get older?
Help!

OP posts:
LizzieBennett73 · 07/07/2024 22:30

Is there a reason why you stay? Because the likelihood is that he's only going to get worse.

SleepPrettyDarling · 07/07/2024 22:30

What age is your daughter? Is he trying to get her on side to isolate you?

Original poster
NChangenowp · 07/07/2024 22:36

PashaMinaMio · 07/07/2024 21:34

OK, so that’s the problem. What’s the solution?

How do you see the future with him? Gotta plan OP? Can we help with that?

He might mellow. Have you tried taking him away from home, out for dinner, night at a hotel and have some good conversation about how he is upsetting you?
I do hope it works out.

Tried to talk. He's so wound up like a spring he can't take anything in. He's anxious. So is my daughter. I'm depressed. And I get anxious at times too.

He will not bend. If anyone knows Myers briggs he's an ISTJ.

OP posts:
Original poster
NChangenowp · 07/07/2024 22:38

SleepPrettyDarling · 07/07/2024 22:30

What age is your daughter? Is he trying to get her on side to isolate you?

Not sure. He definitely competes. Wants attention.

Maybe he does want me isolated. He definitely wants her idolising him. He had to be perfect.

OP posts:
Original poster
NChangenowp · 07/07/2024 22:39

SleepPrettyDarling · 07/07/2024 22:30

What age is your daughter? Is he trying to get her on side to isolate you?

Money. And I've known him from 21. I'm 56. Not known anything else. I'm dependent. That's my fault not his.

OP posts:
Choochoo21 · 07/07/2024 22:44

It seems like the way to do it. Is no eye contact.

He’s your DH.
Your supposedly equal partner.

Not an aggressive dog or wild animal.
What’s next, playing dead?

You need to leave.
You have to put your DD first and understand how uncomfortable this must make her feel.

Imagine being a child and having to walk on egg shells in your own home.
Poor thing.

Do you work?
How old is your DD?

Original poster
NChangenowp · 07/07/2024 22:58

Choochoo21 · 07/07/2024 22:44

It seems like the way to do it. Is no eye contact.

He’s your DH.
Your supposedly equal partner.

Not an aggressive dog or wild animal.
What’s next, playing dead?

You need to leave.
You have to put your DD first and understand how uncomfortable this must make her feel.

Imagine being a child and having to walk on egg shells in your own home.
Poor thing.

Do you work?
How old is your DD?

It's awful. Really bad. I have told him time and again it's bad for her. He ivnores it. She's 16.

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 07/07/2024 23:02

NChangenowp · 07/07/2024 22:22

Funnily enough when he's nasty and I make no eye contact. He hates it. How do you fight narcissists? He's got so arrogant.
How do fight them? I'm on holiday and it's war zone.

You don't fight them. You leave. If he's nasty and bullies you, you need to leave him. Get some legal advice and start planning...

ComoSeDicePepinoEnIngles · 07/07/2024 23:10

I think you are looking for a reason for his nastiness so that you don't have to feel the pain of his nastiness. We all do this to an extent. The facts are so painful we try to reframe them into something less painful. I did it with my mother. I looked for a reason why she was behaving with so little empathy and accountability. But in the end, you'll realise, there is no explanation. No Mitigation. They chose this. And it really bloody hurts.

If you focus on the fact that it should hurt because it's hurtful instead of looking for a reason why it's not actually hurtful then you might feel you had to do something.

Original poster
NChangenowp · 07/07/2024 23:12

ComoSeDicePepinoEnIngles · 07/07/2024 23:10

I think you are looking for a reason for his nastiness so that you don't have to feel the pain of his nastiness. We all do this to an extent. The facts are so painful we try to reframe them into something less painful. I did it with my mother. I looked for a reason why she was behaving with so little empathy and accountability. But in the end, you'll realise, there is no explanation. No Mitigation. They chose this. And it really bloody hurts.

If you focus on the fact that it should hurt because it's hurtful instead of looking for a reason why it's not actually hurtful then you might feel you had to do something.

My mum is also hard and difficult.

OP posts:
EdgarAllenRaven · 07/07/2024 23:37

I think you really need to sit him down and ask him how he feels about you… at a time when he is at peace.
I don’t mean to point out the obvious, but it could be that he has fallen out of love/ clearly doesn’t want to be in the marriage, and is trying to drive it towards a divorce….?

At times when my husband is really mean, I ask him “do you actually like me at all? You’re acting as though you hate me. Do you even want to be married anymore?! I would honestly rather just know.” He immediately apologises when it’s pointed out to him so blatantly- but framed as a question, rather than an argument.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 07/07/2024 23:56

NChangenowp · 07/07/2024 22:22

Funnily enough when he's nasty and I make no eye contact. He hates it. How do you fight narcissists? He's got so arrogant.
How do fight them? I'm on holiday and it's war zone.

How do you fight narcissists ? You don’t, you leave.

It’s interesting you’re on holiday, I was going to ask if he was different if you went away from home, did you all need a holiday…. But seems he’s no different.
I think your best bet is to get your ducks in a row and plan to leave, you sound very unhappy.

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 07/07/2024 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I pray that you don't have sons. What a disgusting thing to say.

Mmhmmn · 08/07/2024 00:01

NChangenowp · 07/07/2024 21:05

I'm menopausal. But he has gone nasty.
He is completely domineering and he's micro managing. Every second. His tone is disgusting.
He's a different person. I don't like him.

could you tell him? Could someone else - to shock him into seeing how he’s treating you?

Mmhmmn · 08/07/2024 00:09

Noseybookworm · 07/07/2024 23:02

You don't fight them. You leave. If he's nasty and bullies you, you need to leave him. Get some legal advice and start planning...

Show quote history

You can’t fight narcissists.
You can try tell him him you will leave (you must mean it though and be prepared to do it).
if he’s desperate to keep you / not be on his own he may change his behaviour.
If not, you need to leave. You’re not his emotional punchbag or stress ball.

jackstini · 08/07/2024 08:52

He sounds awful OP

DH has his moments (nearly 50) when he's a bit of a dickhead, but I've had nothing like the abuse - and it IS abuse - you are experiencing

Do you call it out in front of your daughter?
That's what I did the one time he went too far and called me a name.
To him I said 'what would you think if daughter's DP ever said that to her?
To her I said - just pointing out this is absolutely unacceptable and if your DP ever said that to you I'd expect you to dump him

It shocked DH into apologising and he's never done it again - he knows what would happen if he did

I honestly would be looking to leave - you sound miserable and are demonstrating to a 16 yo young woman that it's ok to be treated like this

SagePenguin · 08/07/2024 08:55

NChangenowp · 07/07/2024 21:30

Lucky you. I'm happy for you. Unfortunately not for me.

Show quote history

That's not very nice. You asked if they all get like it. That poster was saying they done.
We can be sympathetic as he doesn't sound nice, but you sound quite snappy yourself.

SagePenguin · 08/07/2024 08:56

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 07/07/2024 23:59

I pray that you don't have sons. What a disgusting thing to say.

Show quote history

I suspect that the comment was sarcastic

Shouldbedoing · 08/07/2024 09:05

OP you need to get out quick, while your DD is school age. You are not dependent. Any assets of the marriage are both of yours. With a dependent child, the benefits system is relatively helpful which would bridge you over into divorce settlement and independence. Your mental health might well improve. Your daughter is probably fawning to him because she fears his disapproval. Set yourself free. Email Woman's Aid for advice on how to leave. Read the .gov/divorce website and wikivorce. Knowledge is power. Grey rock him for now. Find out as much as you can about family finances. You could lead a peaceful life with no walking on eggshells. 💐

Original poster
NChangenowp · 08/07/2024 14:27

@SagePenguin I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come over snappy. I am genuinely happy for that poster.
I'm exhausted. I'm sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
NChangenowp · 08/07/2024 14:28

I'm sorry. Did not mean to be rude.

OP posts:
SagePenguin · 08/07/2024 14:31

NChangenowp · 08/07/2024 14:27

@SagePenguin I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come over snappy. I am genuinely happy for that poster.
I'm exhausted. I'm sorry.

Sorry you're feeling so rubbish. I wouldn't continue a relationship, married or otherwise, with a man who started to be nasty 💐

Choochoo21 · 08/07/2024 19:20

You need to leave OP with your DD OP or kick him out of the house.

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