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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you recover from cheating?

31 replies

Mumtogremlins81 · 07/07/2024 19:29

As the title says really....just found out my partner has been texting 2 other woman, proper full on messages going on about how horny he is etc.
He hasn't met up with them, has known them longer than we have been together. I ended things straight away but still live together at the moment. He has promised to never contact them again, realises how much he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life proving to me how much he loves me. We have no children together but he is a brilliant step dad to my 2 and I'm step mum to his children. So can we recover? How can I stop the doubts creeping in? I've been hurt badly by my ex and really thought I made it this time but it all feels a lie or do me and the kids walk away?

OP posts:
Browniesandcustard · 07/07/2024 19:53

Walk away now. Sadly he won’t change, he’ll just work out how to hide it better.

Fupalover · 07/07/2024 19:58

Im guessing sex has been off the table at home as thats not normal behaviour unless theres a problem.

BePinkPombear · 07/07/2024 20:16

Hi OP
sorry you find yourself in this situation

I disagree with Fupalover, people who cheat aren’t doing so because sex is off the table or their needs are not being met at home. They do it because it’s something in them that is faulty

it can be fixed though….if you want to try and reconcile. It’s tough and it’s not for everyone. I find MN tends to be more on the side of leave. But there are a surprising amount of people who do reconcile, just there is a stigma so a lot keep quiet. I had no idea my relative reconciled until I blurted out I was a betrayed partner (I was losing my mind!!!) and then she shared her story.

I recommend Andre G Marshall’s webpage he has lots of advice. There is also the SurvivingIndfidelity.com forum which can be a bit weird (they love polygraph tests there!!! Feels very daytime telly) but the mods are very good and you’ll get support whether stay or leave. There is also a reconciliation Reddit community called As One After Infidelity

best wishes op x

Fupalover · 07/07/2024 20:18

My point is more "why" is he "cheating". People who are truly happy and having their needs met in a relationship generally don't cheat (men or women).

crostini · 07/07/2024 20:25

@Fupalover

Couldn't be further from the truth. Some people just love to have their cake and eat it. Or get off on it because it's sneaky and forbidden. Or are never satisfied unless chasing something new. Or want the ego boost. Etc etc etc.

Summerdaysandnights · 07/07/2024 20:30

Fupalover I don't agree with you when you said "people usually don't cheat if they get their needs met " Well my husband cheated and I was a very good wife to him .In the 25 yrs we were married I never refused him sex .I thought we had a healthy sex life 3/ 4 times a week ..I cooked , cleaned , kept myself well and always praised him and told him regularly how much I loved him and he told me too , yet he cheated several times .So my point is they are certain people who will cheat no matter how good their marriage is and they are people who would never dream of cheating even when they hit tough times , so no something doesn't have to be missing.. By the way I'm done with him because the trust is gone.

Fupalover · 07/07/2024 20:32

@Summerdaysandnights thats awful. I guess you never truly know someone until its too late.

MissMarianHalcombe · 07/07/2024 20:36

My ex cheated because he could, because he thought women were to be used for his “needs”, because he liked the chase & felt he deserved to be adored. He said he cheated because I was “too nice “.

OP - in my view, once someone in a relationship steps over that line, they can’t be trusted not to do it again. For me, it’s the lying & the loss of trust. You deserve so much better.

Original poster
Mumtogremlins81 · 07/07/2024 21:36

Ok so the excuse was he felt overwhelmed with our relationship because it was perfect. Sex has always been good, treats me like a princess, loving, always cuddling me, kissing me, there was absolutely no clues at all he was messaging, both leave phones about, know each others codes for everything, it was a complete shock

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumtogremlins81 · 07/07/2024 21:43

Oh and for context, he has been cheated on in previous relationships so knew the impact it would have and still did it!

OP posts:
Summerdaysandnights · 07/07/2024 21:47

Mumtogremlins81. I hate to say it but he doesn't sound like a trustworthy partner..Seeing that your relationship was so good and he still did this. What will he do when your a few yrs down the road and maybe your relationship is not so good ? How can you trust him when he was able to deceive you so well ? He sounds like someone who loves the attention ..You'll never trust him now ..

Blendeddogs · 07/07/2024 21:56

Browniesandcustard · 07/07/2024 19:53

Walk away now. Sadly he won’t change, he’ll just work out how to hide it better.

This

BePinkPombear · 07/07/2024 21:56

People are more likely to cheat if they haven’t been caught yet and/or after being caught they don’t actually put in the work to figure out exactly why they did it

im not sure I buy the ‘overwhelmed’ angle. It’s way too early for him to have that insight
i think his previous experiences of being cheated on himself will be far more impactful

tell him he needs to do the work in therapy and you’ll see how things go. You don’t have to decide you’re leaving no matter what or staying no matter what right now you’re in shock x

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/07/2024 22:16

Browniesandcustard · 07/07/2024 19:53

Walk away now. Sadly he won’t change, he’ll just work out how to hide it better.

This, I’m sorry.

kkloo · 08/07/2024 02:50

Mumtogremlins81 · 07/07/2024 21:36

Ok so the excuse was he felt overwhelmed with our relationship because it was perfect. Sex has always been good, treats me like a princess, loving, always cuddling me, kissing me, there was absolutely no clues at all he was messaging, both leave phones about, know each others codes for everything, it was a complete shock

Riiight.........so how did being overwhelmed lead him to then text other women telling him how horny he is?

It's bullshit, and either way if it was perfect before it definitely isn't now because now all he can offer you is a relationship that's tainted and where you don't trust him.

coffy11 · 08/07/2024 03:05

He felt overwhelmed with your relationship being perfect? Yeah sure he did. He's only remorseful cause he got caught. He won't change, don't waste any more time with this cheater.

XChrome · 08/07/2024 03:19

Mumtogremlins81 · 07/07/2024 21:36

Ok so the excuse was he felt overwhelmed with our relationship because it was perfect. Sex has always been good, treats me like a princess, loving, always cuddling me, kissing me, there was absolutely no clues at all he was messaging, both leave phones about, know each others codes for everything, it was a complete shock

Wow. Most pathetic excuse of all time. Leave him. He obviously isn't sorry and he'll do it again.

NYE2023 · 08/07/2024 03:59

Fupalover · 07/07/2024 19:58

Im guessing sex has been off the table at home as thats not normal behaviour unless theres a problem.

Not necessarily wrt to sex . My husband / partner of 40 years shagged me a week ago and then again on Wednesday night whilst away on a family holiday . Indeed we had agreed to make more time for each other to improve our relationships and had had sex around 7 times in the past month or so . I found condoms on Sunday ( ie yesterday ) he admitted it and he left later in the afternoon - 96 hours after initiating sex . And having booked two holidays. The red flags were there ( he was also quite shitty at some points in the holiday ) he just denied them when I asked . 40 years ended in lies . What made me look today ? He wasn’t remotely bothered that was diagnosed with a debilitating Heath condition - obviously he wasn’t planning to be here when the shit hits the fan. STI check booked before someone asks . Lawyer being instructed tomorrow . Her husband and family no doubt also devastated this evening assuming she has told him.

LemonDropsXx · 08/07/2024 04:37

I don't believe so, having had a cheating partner for over 20 years, there is a study that shows if they have cheated, they are 3 times more likely to cheat again. Not good odds. Sorry you are going through this, it really sucks x

MoveToParis · 08/07/2024 04:57

Fupalover · 07/07/2024 20:32

@Summerdaysandnights thats awful. I guess you never truly know someone until its too late.

But she did know him.

I also think you are wrong and that some people cheat always. BIL has cheat as part of his identity. The thing that is unhappy in his relationships is his personality.

Even if you are correct about an individual, the onus on them would be to communicate that rather than say nothing and expect OP to take the blame.

ThisLilacCat · 08/07/2024 04:57

My ex cheated on me when our twins were only 9 months old
I forgave him and he did it again with the samw woman for 3years! He dumped her and i fogave him again, then he left me and I was coping really well until some woman ((not the factory bike he had bfore, who incidentally was 10 years older than him) came to my house and told me she was pregnant by him. A leopard never changes it's spots
I divorced him, last heard by my daughter he was still shagging around
Be brave and kick him out

ThisLilacCat · 08/07/2024 05:01

Dump him

JustRollWithIt · 08/07/2024 06:09

You mention he was cheated on in the past. I don't buy the 'overwhelmed' explanation, but maybe what he means by this is he does find things between you and him pretty perfect, he is falling for you etc, therefore in a warped way is texting other woman to prevent himself from being 100% in it and 100% open to hurt in the event you were to cheat (as he has been cheated on previously). If he is the cheater he is not going to feel the hurt of being cheated on again. Bit of a messed up mentality, but just a thought a thought as to what he means by 'overwhelmed'. Or he could just be a dick. Either way, sorry you are in this situation.

Shoxfordian · 08/07/2024 06:11

Your relationship was too perfect? Wow. He's talking rubbish op, don't fall for it

Original poster
Mumtogremlins81 · 08/07/2024 07:48

Yeah, I didn't fall for the bullshit either, at the moment we all still live together and tbf it's not that bad, we are still getting on, having a laugh and kids are happy, me and the kids moved away from our home county so not easy to just get out as got them to consider, we talk all the time, he answers my questions about it all, he listens to what I'm saying, have said I'm not sure what the future holds but for the moment we are just muddling along as kids have got big things happening at the moment so concentrating of them.

OP posts: