Does anyone here have much experience with domestic abuse relationships?

[Pinkflowersxo]

To give a bit of context to my relationship I have attached the link to my last thread if anyone wants to read to see how had the abuse was

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5108086-am-i-bad-for-pressing-charges-on-my-abuser-childs-father

4 years ago my ex strangled me and more than 3 times I feared for my life. In between all those times up to this year there have been incidents of him smashing things up and hitting me or being abusive in other ways.

I have reported to the police, I have chosen to support prosecution and have a video statement and provided all my evidence. His mum has made me feel so guilty for doing it and told me we could have sorted this between us. She also lied for him and told them there’s been no physical violence between us even though she knows everything. She turned up to near my parents house trying to convince me of why he didn’t need to be in jail and do I really want him to go to jail for all this. I had to block her in the end as I didn’t want her to try to sway me. She has tried to pay his friend off to take a previous drug charge they were both involved in before. I went to the police , I did this to secure my children’s future should the worst ever happen to me the courts will know the extent of the abuse they witnessed and would never be placed with him alone.

now , since he’s been arrested he’s been bailed despite his previous drug convictions and is currently pending investigation for one (couldn’t believe it) with the conditions of not taking it me or coming to my address.

he called me over 17 times messaging me and emailing me saying how sorry he is basically saying everything that is true. That he put me down because he was jealous , he didn’t deserve me and he was lost and chose the wrong friends. Told me he’s deleting all his Instagram accounts / snap chat will get a new number will do anything I want if I give him another chance. How much he loves me and the kids despite leaving the country without saying goodbye to them for 5 months after I left him. He’s said all these things to me before so many times over the years that it’s like the boy who cried wolf because he really means it. A part of me almost believes it because it’s never gone this far I’ve never had 5 months apart , I wonder could he really have realised after losing us. Or is this just all a manipulation. I told him he just doesn’t want to face jail time he told me it’s not that and he will go guilty to all the charges because he deserves it. He said however he feels he could help me more if he’s not in jail and out here working and supporting me and the children.

there has been no violence since last year but that was only because we would see each other only once a week most of the time because of his work and me living an hour away. I truly believe in my heart there would have been more violence if we lived together.

i guess i am just looking for any kind of support. I am pushing forward with supporting the prosecution but I feel SO guilty. I still love him so much I am ashamed to say. But feel my children have to come first. I suppose if he went to jail he could do the rehabilitation courses they offer in there and then maybe then have the chance to be a dad to our daughters.

thank you in advance x

I was a dv advisor for 11 years.

Any contact you have with him is going to be dangerous.

His mother is not safe for you either.

You need to ring 101 and report the breach of bail conditions. He poses risk to your life and that of your children and continuing to engage with him is deliberately placing yourself at risk.

It will get easier the further away from him you are. Please take the steps to paddle your little lifeboat inn the direction away from him. He is manipulative and he uses violence to maintain control.

Do not waver
He strangles is violent
He does drugs
His own mother lies for him
He will be good again until he isn't
Keep away
Keep dc away except supervised visits til they much older

He's trying to get control back. Keep him away. Block and ignore.

And stop engaging with him
You love the idea of him when he great
But when he strangles you?

Don't engage with him, OP. He's nice to you for brief periods, but you know what he's really like. He's dangerous to you.

Especially don't engage with his mother.

Sorry I forgot to add that I have reported to the police that he breached his bail and they are out to arrest him. He is currently in hiding. I have no idea where he is x

Good. Can you block him? And if he comes to your door, get back, do not open the door, do not speak to him thro the door, ring 999 and get in the back of the house.

Do you want to be with him? Or do you want it to be over? That is the crucial difference - helping women who will do whatever you advise, they are the ones who end up safe. The ones who waver and still love him remain in danger, as do their children, and then its child protection time......unless the dad hurts them love xx seriously. Be careful here. The point of leaving is the point of highest risk - what is he prepared to do to get you back? He has form for smashing up your house? If you don't answer what will he do? Do you need to perhaps go somewhere else until he is arrested? If you let him in and then say, no we are not getting back together, how will you get him out?

This sounds like a very similar situation to a family member of mine. You are doing all of the right things. If you feel guilty just remember you are doing this for your children. Over half of women killed by men are killed by a current or ex partner. He is a danger to you and your family, especially if he has family members willing to lie for him. Let the police and the justice system do their jobs.

He is beyond any help a rehabilitation course could ever provide, this is deep within his psyche. He would need years of therapy, this is who he really is and such men too hate women, ALL of them.

Do not talk to either he or his mother ever again, both are dangerous to you in different ways.

Any love you feel for him is more likely you being trauma bonded to him or from being codependent. Strangling you is not a loving action and never would be. Talk to Women’s Aid and enrol yourself on to the Freedom Programme as this could help you in your ongoing recovery from his abuses of you.

I blocked all his numbers but he is now calling from his mums phone on a withheld number which I cannot block I have answered at first because the police who are updating me call on withheld too ! You are right no I don’t want to be together because I know what the reality is. Thank you you are right this is what is scaring me he is being really nice right now but I don’t know how that will turn I did tell the police anyway but felt so guilty I cried I felt so horrible. I guess i am just venting as I have told the police u am just dealing with the guilt xxx

His mother is dangerous. She is an enabler. She has helped create the monster of a man before you. There is almost a formula for this dynamic. The mum never made these little boys accountable for anything, it continues into adulthood, they become afraid of them often and will blame everyone around them instead of the actual piece of shit they created.

He is dangerous and I guarantee you without question, he will never change. Your life and mental well being are at serious risk. I have lived in a family of narcissists. I know this dynamic very well.

Spend every single piece of energy on reading and learning about narcissistic personality types, abusers and sociopaths and their mothers. Dr Ramani on YouTube is excellent. There is loads on FBook. If you type it in you'll end up getting endless reels about narcissistic behaviour and abuse. The more you learn, the more you will see how you have been manipulated and in time you will get angry and find the strength to close the emotional door.

Report every single thing for your own protection. They are hoping you will weaken and question yourself. That's what the mother is trying to do to you also.

Wow thank you you really described his mother down to a T. He is an only child , grew up very spoilt always got whatever he wanted. Uses her for money takes takes takes never does anything for her. Treats her so badly. I was disappointed when she lied for him but then thought ok she doesn’t want him in prison but she knows that I thought he was going to kill me and the bruises all of it black eyes she knew , then when we talked outside my parents she told me I never told her it was that bad I didn’t say that to her but I did she was the only one who knew. I’ve blocked her for now despite feeling guilty as I thought of her as a mother but I realise that was for as long I was protecting her son from being held accountable for his actions. She has also been great with my kids for all these 5 years but I cannot risk her convincing me to retract. She ended up crying and telling me she feels she has lost a daughter to where I had to console even though he did all this to me. It took so much for me to find the strength to report him it was such an odd feeling xx

Honestly, you need to keep yourself and your children safe from this man.
He's only being nice to try and get you to take him back.

OP many years ago, I split up with the violent father of my children.

I let him into our old house (even after the judge said he wasn't to go there) because he said he wanted some of his things.

It was a terrible mistake. He subjected me to a serious sexual assault.

Don't be me. Don't respond if he contacts you.

I’m honestly so sorry you went through this 😓💔 I’ve blocked all numbers. I just cannot believe that the police let him out on bail with all his history I knew he would do all this ! Making it so hard for me and his mum too ! 😣 the fact he’s not turned himself in is telling me he is hiding out hoping to break me down into taking him back and retracting x

Stay strong you are doing the right thing in taking the legal route against him.
Have you let the police know that he has contacted you from his mum's number - she may know where he is?
Have you a personal attack alarm or panic button?
Should you change your phone number, so he can't contact you directly?
Are you getting support from somewhere like woman's aid?
Sorry, firing lots of questions at you. Was in a coersive/abusive relationship but fortunately not as bad as this but do know how hard it is.

His mum absolutely knows where he is but she will not tell them that ! She already lied to them and told them there’s been no physical abuse that she knows of despite knowing everything and how severe. Justifying it by it was a long time ago. She will not do anything to help put him in prison which I try to understand, but then going as far as to guilt me into changing my mind and did I really have to go down the legal route and do I really want him to get locked up for this. crying because she doesn’t want him to go to jail. I don’t have a panic button , I will call 101 to try and get more help , i definitely need to try women’s aid a few users have suggested it this is something I need to try. I didn’t want to change my number as it’s connected to all my work banking doctors but may have to as a last resort thanks for your message x

Thank goodness you came here for a handhold. Stay strong. This is a dangerous time for you. Does he know where you are?

He clearly hasn't changed or he's not be hiding.

His mum clearly can't be trusted in any way.

I'm so pleased you are out of this.

A friend has just been moved by the council because her ex is being released from prison and she needs to disappear. Please don't be her- be gone before he can find you.

Thank you so much you are so right x

, he called 50 times last night on no caller ID It’s hard because the police are also calling me on no caller ID , but I answered to him once he was saying he would never put me in jail no matter what I did, I told him I would never ever do the things he's done to me, he just kept saying he'll go and do the anger management courses now he'll go to another country so he's out of my space whilst he's working in himself then come back when he's completed it all. Funny because he never did ANY of this until he was facing jail time. I feel guilty because the last violence was exactly a year ago and then a few times the year before then during Covid it was horrific. But I know that the only reason there's been no violence in this last year is because we stopped living together, I would only see him once a week as he worked in another city and he was able to cheat and do what he wanted and l'd be non the the wiser. Not to mention him uploading those videos of us having sex last year since all the violence. I feel if he was really sorry he would turn himself in and pay for what he's done and take any help in there that they offer him , I feel bad that the last time he strangled me like that was 2020 but even still my daughter was there and he could have killed me in front of her I think even to do that once shows what he’s capable of inside. xxxx

Is he on bail? You need to report this to police. He needs to be told to leave you alone.

He is on bail , one of his conditions is not to contact me or through a third party. He has done this since ! I told the police he breached his bail they are out to arrest him it’s been 3 days he must be in hiding ! I believe his mum is hiding in because one of the calls was from her phone but then he switched it to no caller Id even though she’s blocked it was so bizarre ! I just can’t believe they didn’t remand him in the first place and just let him go free 😭x

Just keep pestering the police about his contact with you - surprised there isn't an offence they can charge his mother with!
You are very vulnerable at the moment. Understand why you have to answer the phone, but if you realise it's him, just hang up. You are then reducing his engagement with you.

Yes, once you realise its him, hang up.

Thank you so much. They are actually adding harassment to his charges as well as breaching bail. You are right about me being in a vulnerable place because u felt so much guilt I cried when y spoke to him he made me feel bad because the worst of the abuse was in lock down xx

OP have you been allocated an IDVA? She should be your advocate in all of this, please tell the police about last night's contact too.
I worked with victims and perpetrators of domestic abuse for more than a decade and an still involved in this area in a different way now.
His contact is escalating because he is starting to realise he has lost control of you and also that he is likely to face consequences. This is a risky time. I'm not trying to frighten you, but please be aware. Do you have a ring doorbell? IDVA can support with sanctuary/safety measures. When you speak to the police ask who your IDVA is if you don't have details.

It's hard now and it's a step at a time, but I can't tell you how many women I worked with who would look back a year or two later and say to me they can't believe how different their life is without the perpetrator is, how light they feel, and they start to build their confidence back. You're doing the right thing and it might not feel it right now but you're incredibly strong and resilient. You've gotten through this and you can stay out of it.

I also echo women's aid for support and applying for a non-molestation order with their support or the NCDV can help