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Original poster

Boyfriend wants to break up

35 replies

Brokengal · 07/07/2024 10:53

I don't know what I'm expecting to get from writing this really

My boyfriend of over 3 years has just said he wants to break up. He wants to focus on himself and he does love me but not in that way anymore.

It feels like it has literally come from nowhere. We live together and I thought we were happy together. We always have so much fun together and were looking to buy a house together. I feel like my worlds turned upside down and it was so out of the blue. We had an argument Friday about something petty, it escalated and we didn't really speak since then. I thought it would blow over and we'd talk about it when we were less annoyed and make up. I don't understand how someone can go from being happy, making plans to I want to break up right now

I'm so heartbroken I feel like I can't even process right now

OP posts:
Userengage · 07/07/2024 12:34

If he has said he wants to break up, you should let him go. If you make up and continue your relationship, those words will always be in the back of your mind leaving you feeling insecure. He’s obviously ahead of you in his feelings for you so you are struggling to see how you can go from happy to splitting. He has already checked out.

Not speaking for two days is not conducive to a healthy relationship anyway.

Feelingmentallyunsettled · 07/07/2024 13:01

If you have been together for 3 years then him wanting to break up after an argument over something petty suggests that he hasn't been happy in the relationship for a while. Or something has happened recently to make him rethink the relationship. Perhaps it's the commitment of buying a house together that's given him cold feet?
Either way if he wants to break up then I don't think there is any point trying to persuade him otherwise . At least this has happened were financially enmeshed with a joint house or children.
It's very sad for you OP.

Original poster
Brokengal · 07/07/2024 13:10

Thank you he has said I can stay for as long as I need until I find somewhere, as I don't have anywhere to go. I don't know what I will do financially, I have a bit of savings but rents are so high and I don't have anything that i own. He earned a lot more than me so together it was doable. I just don't know how I am going to manage.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2024 13:15

I'm sorry this has happened. Please believe him when he says it's over, and don't stay with a man who has checked out. I have my own suspicions as to why this is happening, but the reality remains the same. It's over, and I suggest you move out as quickly as possible.

TheShellBeach · 07/07/2024 13:19

I'm sorry OP.
Men don't end relationships unless they have their feet under another table IME.

At least you've found out before children came along.

BodyKeepingScore · 07/07/2024 13:23

TheShellBeach · 07/07/2024 13:19

I'm sorry OP.
Men don't end relationships unless they have their feet under another table IME.

At least you've found out before children came along.

This is a sweeping generalisation and not really helpful for OP given that you have no evidence to support the idea that there's another woman. Men are just as capable of leaving unhappy relationships as women are. Imagine someone implied that women only leave relationships when they've got a back up. Seriously 🙄

Original poster
Brokengal · 07/07/2024 13:34

I don't think he's cheating I think. Could be wrong but I think there would have been other signs

OP posts:
Original poster
Brokengal · 07/07/2024 13:35

Although I guess it doesn't really matter on the why

OP posts:
Myblindsaredown · 07/07/2024 13:37

Op how old are you, do you have family you can live with, or look at house share, please don’t try to cling on for the money, keep your dignity.

Original poster
Brokengal · 07/07/2024 13:43

I am 35, no family, no friends near by

OP posts:
Myblindsaredown · 07/07/2024 14:04

Ok start looking for a house share, you need to move out, I’m sorry.

StrawberryPavlova · 07/07/2024 14:06

What's the housing situation? Why is it that you're the one who needs to move out?

Myblindsaredown · 07/07/2024 14:09

StrawberryPavlova · 07/07/2024 14:06

What's the housing situation? Why is it that you're the one who needs to move out?

clearly as it’s his Confused

PaminaMozart · 07/07/2024 14:12

Lesson....... never become reliant on any man. Always aim to be in a position where you can walk away - whether you are choosing to do so or are being pushed...

Emilyjayne9421 · 07/07/2024 14:13

I’m so sorry, I know how hurtful it must be. Unfortunately he has made his decision and you can’t change it. Start looking for somewhere and I promise in time this will get easier. Is there anything you can do to increase your earning potential to enable you to become more financially secure alone? Hugs 🤗.

AquaFurball · 07/07/2024 14:16

Contact Women's Aid or Shelter or present at the local council as homeless.

JamSandle · 07/07/2024 14:16

I've always just been dumped (3 year relationship too) and I'm the same age! Happy to be a support if you need it.

JamSandle · 07/07/2024 14:16

*also

Saintmariesleuth · 07/07/2024 14:19

Sorry OP, that sounds like a bolt from the blue, no wonder you are shocked.

I think you ought to start looking for other housing options, as his goodwill will start to wane quite quickly. Do you need or want to remain in your current area? If not, can you go to stay with family or friends whilst you get back on your feet? As already suggested, a houseshare could be a good short term option.

A friend of mine in similar circumstances signed up to a housesitting company and took jobs in the nearby area so she was housed for a couple of months whilst getting sorted. She worked from home, so I appreciate this might not be feasible for you.

StrawberryPavlova · 07/07/2024 14:19

@Myblindsaredown I can't see explicitly where OP has said they live in his house, hence me asking. They could be joint tenants on a rental and he's just being an arse expecting OP to move out.

Original poster
Brokengal · 07/07/2024 14:29

@StrawberryPavlova no it is his house. He is the owner. I moved him with in nearly 3 years ago. I rented before but rent seems to have almost doubled in the area, even for properties that look pretty grim in dodgy parts of the city. Has anyone had experience of house share? Did they feel safe living with strangers?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 07/07/2024 14:32

TheShellBeach · 07/07/2024 13:19

I'm sorry OP.
Men don't end relationships unless they have their feet under another table IME.

At least you've found out before children came along.

This is utter nonsense.

It can be true that sometimes men don't leave an unhappy/unsatisfying/lacklustre marriage with children until the impetus to leave is strong enough. The same goes for women. The impetus can be the hope of something better with someone else who it feels worth going through the upheaval for.

But a bf/gf relationship of three years? Of course men end relationships just because they're not happy in them.

StrawberryPavlova · 07/07/2024 14:33

@Brokengal that is unfortunate, sorry. Rents are crazy at the minute, I don't understand how people are able to afford them. Do you live in an expensive area (London etc?)

TwigletsAndRadishes · 07/07/2024 14:38

He hasn't done this as the result of a petty argument. He's probably been needling you and starting petty arguments as a way of preparing himself for the difficult task of breaking up with you. So don't waste your time trying to understand why a spat over something so inconsequential has led to this.

It's bewildering and painful when you didn't see it coming, but don't beg him to reconsider, or tie yourself in knots trying to make sense of it. Sometimes poeple's feelings change. Just accept it with dignity and do what you need to do to move on. Hold your head up and focus on trying to live your best life without him now.

Nothing blindsides people more than when they were expecting you to beg and plead and go to pieces over the break-up, but you don't. You go 'grey rock', you behave with dignity and stoicism and you refuse to crumble.

If he is going to have any doubts over the next few weeks that he's made the right choice then seeing you doing just fine without him is going to hit him hard. If he changes his mind then great. If he doesn't, well at least you can walk away with your head held high and your self esteem intact.

Myblindsaredown · 07/07/2024 14:43

Brokengal · 07/07/2024 14:29

@StrawberryPavlova no it is his house. He is the owner. I moved him with in nearly 3 years ago. I rented before but rent seems to have almost doubled in the area, even for properties that look pretty grim in dodgy parts of the city. Has anyone had experience of house share? Did they feel safe living with strangers?

Plenty of people do house share op. It’s very common. So clearly feel safe, I mean this gently but you can’t just stay at his home till he chucks you out.