Boyfriend wants to break up

[Brokengal]

I don't know what I'm expecting to get from writing this really

My boyfriend of over 3 years has just said he wants to break up. He wants to focus on himself and he does love me but not in that way anymore.

It feels like it has literally come from nowhere. We live together and I thought we were happy together. We always have so much fun together and were looking to buy a house together. I feel like my worlds turned upside down and it was so out of the blue. We had an argument Friday about something petty, it escalated and we didn't really speak since then. I thought it would blow over and we'd talk about it when we were less annoyed and make up. I don't understand how someone can go from being happy, making plans to I want to break up right now

I'm so heartbroken I feel like I can't even process right now

@GreyCarpet it just feels so out of the blue that's what I'm struggling with. One minute we're planning the future, talking about houses, kids, planning holidays, sex is good, always having a laugh together and the next minute he wants to "focus on himself". I don't understand how someone can be in love with someone one minute and the next they're not. Maybe I don't need to understand, it's just been a hella day and a lot to process

I think a lot go through the motions, he’s clearly been thinking this for some time, no one does it suddenly. So he was just waiting for an excuse.

you also have to seperate you being happy to him being happy. You were happy, but he wasn’t. How deep were you looking. And not talking to each other for a weekend is deeply unhealthy.

I've lived in several houseshares (though not for a while) and felt very safe. Also in a large city. Personally I would limit to a max of 4 sharers (no couples) as larger numbers can feel a bit chaotic. You could consider an all female houseshare.

Alternatively, being someone's lodger might work better- you'd be able to meet the homeowner and see how you get on. Again, you could choose to lice with a female if you would prefer.

Another short term option could be serviced apartments, especially as you live in a city. They often have cooking and washing facilities but with your own secure room.

This.

Its hard for most people end a relationship

Most people try to make it work, kick the can down the road, say/do the right thing etc. Many keep on making plans hoping they'll change their mind, planning to keep on trying until a later date.

It sounds like the argument was just the straw that broke the camels back.

You say it was petty but it might not have been for him. It might have made him realise once and for all that the relationship wasn't working and he was just wasting both of your time by not ending it.

You can't know that for sure. It's usually the case for men who are married with kids, but it's not necessarily so for non-married men.

It's just as likely that he's got spooked at the prospect of buying a house together and he's realised that he can't bring himself to make a serious commitment to the OP.

He wants to cut both their losses now, while he still can, otherwise before long he could find himself sleepwalking into a joint mortgage, marriage and children, and then he will be the man who ends up leaving because of an affair. At least this way the OP has been spared that.

Ar you joking? She's a single 35 year old woman with a job and no children and she isn't fleeing domestic violence. What's WA or Shelter or the council going to be able to do for her? She's better off getting herself on Spareroom.com

House shares are honestly fine OP - done several in my 30s keeps costs reasonable and people are generally nice. Also not a huge commitment (usually a months notice) so gives you time to work out options I.e whether you want to stay in area. Would try and avoid lodger arrangements. Sorry about the break up - honestly so rough especially when blindsided.I know it is hard but try not to dwell too hard on the ‘why’ - I have been there on both sides of the equation and sometimes there is no tangible reason you just know whatever it was has gone as sad as that may be.

@Brokengal I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had nearly the same break up scenario just over 2 weeks ago. Minus the argument and living together. Together 4 years, always having a laugh, best communication I've ever had in any relationship(I'm 58 he's 56), we're super active with long distance running, triathlon, cycling etc., shared values, good sex life. Friday night after work he ended it with me to just 'concentrate on him. He's not in the right headspace for a relationship'. WTF, seriously??

Total blindside also. Very few words were exchanged and I asked him to leave shortly afterwards. Didn't sleep or eat and lots of tears the first few days. There's been zero contact and 2 weeks on I'm doing much, much better. Please try and find somewhere to go asap. I've done houseshares in the past and they're fine. Staying there with him is going to seriously delay your recovery which is so so important. Is there anywhere you could go out of town for a few days right now? Book emergency time off work, get on a train to family or friends in another city?

Big hugs doll. xx

What a shock for you Op but you will be ok. House shares are fine Op. Good luck

Please try and find somewhere to go asap. I've done houseshares in the past and they're fine. Staying there with him is going to seriously delay your recovery which is so so important. Is there anywhere you could go out of town for a few days right now? Book emergency time off work, get on a train to family or friends in another city?

I agree. The sooner you cut the cord the sooner you'll get yourself in a position where you can heal and move forward