Incapable Parents Abroad

[RiotC]

I'm a bit worried that I'm going to come across as heartless so some brief context:
My mum and step dad have 9 children between them, and there's only me and one other who are still in contact. Years of horrible stuff, but I just can't go n/c and I've found a balance that has been helped by the fact they live in a different country.
My mum is young (ish) I have friends her age who are very active, but decades of alcohol abuse and chain smoking have basically left her bed bound. I recently went to see them and was really shocked and told them I think they should come back to the UK, they aren't accessing healthcare properly in France, they haven't sorted their Carte Vital so they are paying every time they do, (currently the price of renting a house every month of painkillers/opiates/anti anxiety meds) My mum used to have enough French to get by but this seems to have disappeared and she can't communicate with anyone in French.
I've been over twice this year to try and help sort things out but they are resistant to moving, my mum won't stop drinking or smoking and their health is declining. She is currently severely underweight and mostly living off crackers, cheese and a lot of cheap wine.
On Friday she called me, saying my stepdad was in and out of consciousness and bleeding. She had been trying to call for an hour (I was at a gig and hadn't heard my phone) I told her to call 112 and she did and he was taken into hospital, (this worries me so much that she's so helpless that she didn't know to call 112)
After they took him when she was walking back (with a walker) to her bed she fell and spent the night on a cold stone floor, I tried to get her to call emergency again but she wouldn't.
I have spoken to the hospital and from what I can work out my step dad is ok, he was mostly dehydrated but they said he was filthy and asked me why he had no help at home to wash him. (They are rural they won't speak French to people and no body wants to work for them as my mum smokes inside and the place is gross.)
They have a lovely English woman who comes to clean now and again and she has gone above and beyond despite having lots of her own responsibilities to deal with to help them, she called yesterday and said I have to be as blunt as I can you need to come and get them.
But I don't know what to do, I haven't got the money to keep going back and forth (500 on the boat every time) I have a young son and a job that I can't take any more time off from and no room to house them here even if I did manage to get them here.
I'm just at a loss of what to do.
I started the process of trying to get them back here, renewed my mums passport, offered to guarantor them on a rental, but they said they want to stay there and "enjoy the house" but they are literally stuck in a dirty annexe of their house watching TV all day and not looking after themselves.
I know there's no easy answer here and I've probably left some key things out but I don't know what to do.

This sounds like an awful situation @RiotC but if they are saying they don't want to leave them you can't make them.
It sounds easy for the English person to say you've got to come and get them, but in reality it's not that simple. And you have no authority to override their wishes to stay in France.
Do the French authorities have an equivalent to our social services, and are you able to talk to them about care packages?

If they're in an annexe of their house could you look into some kind of live in help scenario? They don't sound like they've been amazing parents l wouldn't be putting myself out too much in terms of bending over backward to get them back to the uk. Do what you can to keep them as comfortable as possible where they are, like help with the heal care admin, source a tenant for them if appropriate, etc. It's their choice ultimately.

I'm sorry to read about your Mum's problems. I think the essential problem is not having a Carte Vitale. (Have they even got their obligatory visa ?)
Have they got the money to pay their own hospital & other medical bills?
If their situation was regularized you would get the local "assistant social" involved.
But it sounds like they are resisting all help. Due to their addictions.
Its almost helpless
Anyway, it is not your sole responsibility. I would be informing all the other siblings of the situation, in France there is duty of care required. So you dont want to bare the burden if all their impending health bills alone.

I don't think you come across as heartless at all.

They chose a hedonistic life style. They are reaping the consequences of that.
Given what you have said about the problems they have caused for you and the rest of your family over the years it sounds as though you have gone over and above in your efforts to help them.

I realise when your Mum says she doesn't want to relocate to the UK, that she wants to continue with her current life style , she is probably not really mentally competent to make this decision. But if she does not want to accept all the help you are giving her I don't see how you can make her.

I feel you would be justified in washing your hands of the situation. You have your own responsibilities and your son should be your priority.

I don't know whether there are social services in France equivalent to in the UK. Perhaps the English woman who is in contact with your parents may know?

It actually makes me angry that you and other people are expected to pick up the pieces of such a selfish life style.
You have done your best. I would walk away.

The other sibling who Is speaking to them have you spoke to them about it ? It sounds terrible they are basically alcoholics who are rotting away, it's fine for that woman to say come and get them but you can't force them to leave their house..

Yeah so I've spoken to their doctor who also seems at her wits end, and has given me contacts for help for them, but then she won't call them and the doctor has said that without the proper documentation they are unlikely to get help paid or otherwise. I spent days trying to sort through dusty old paperwork over there trying to find the right things, they basically just needed their passports, I sorted that and then they haven't actioned anything.
I just feel really helpless and think they are probably going to die out there without someone intervening. They've been in and out of hospital almost constantly for the past few months, I can't imagine they have any money left as they are paying for it but I don't know for sure.

Can you enlist some of your siblings to help @RiotC . I think if the cleaner/hospital call again, you need to be honest about what terrible parents they have been, their lifestyle and tge fact that they are resisting coming home.

It is also worth mentioning the fact that your mum could speak French, but has now lost it, as that could be dementia.

Yeah it makes me angry too, the woman that cleans for them and helps out has a disabled son and left his birthday party yesterday to go and help my mum.
I do honestly think I've done more than most people could, and I know I can't make them leave but they are being such a burden to anyone that is close to them.

None of the n/c siblings will do anything and I respect that as they have been shitty parents, the one that is still in a bit of contact is the same as me, but she also has a lot of her own stuff to deal with and is coming to the end of her tether trying to help them.

It's easy to say oh leave them to it but as you said they are now a burden,to this woman she has become their carer. Does your stepdad also drink I'd be persistent with his children tbh he isn't your responsibility.

I totally understand you feeling guilty about others, and especially this other caring lady, having to shoulder responsibility for your Mum and step father.
But I still think the only thing you can do is look to your own life and responsibilities and hope that this other lady also realises she has to put her life and her son first.
You can only make this decision for yourself. Hopefully she will come to a similar decision for herself if she cannot/ does not want to continue responsibility for them.

There must be a French social care you can contact. There is not much you can do as they are making their own choices , but I would be frank with the lady that helps them a you are really grateful for her help but they will not allow you to move them back to the UK and they refuse all offers of help. She needs to back off as she has lots of her own stuff to deal with , and it’s sounding like she is putting pressure on you to act because she is feeling the burden.
they are not your burden, they are not her burden. They are people who have not treated people kindly and are now left with the legacy of their selfish behaviour.

How are they managing to purchase the cigarettes and alcohol, if they're doing it themselves it's very much an active choice
If their cleaner is she needs to say no.
How long have they lived in France and when did they last pay NI contributions. Would they have some where to live if they moved back to UK?

What a mess. I’m in France.

you probably should be aware that children, even those living overseas, are considered to be legally responsible for their ageing parents - both in terms of organising care and paying for it of the parents cannot.

there are some good FB groups you can join: strictly santé France is the one for you. Beware that they are very direct though, you’ll get help the legal situation re. their carte vitale etc and a clear idea what help your parents are entitled to but you won’t get any handholding or hugs there.

What’s their financial situation? And are they legally in France - with titre de séjour etc?

tbh it sounds like everyone around them needs to take a good look at their personal boundaries and decides how involved you all want to be from now on, and to protect yourselves from the inevitable crisis and heartbreak.

Are they french citizens I've no idea how it works but are they there legally?

So my stepdad doesn't drink or smoke, but he is in ill health, and 14 years older than my mum. Madly one of his issues is with his lungs and he's in this small smoky annexe, it's just unbelievable that they have made so many bad decisions. He has barely checked in with his own children in decades so I think that's a dead end. His eldest is currently not very well and her sister told me yesterday that when he does call he just tells them how terrible his life is and doesn't ever ask after them. I think he has a grandchild that he doesn't even know about.
Sorry I know I'm just adding information to this which makes it seem more hopeless but I'm at my wits end of what to do, I'm fairly good at sorting out stuff usually.

It just sounds miserable and depressing and dangerous he might leave if she isn't caring for him.

would they be entitled to care on the NHS if they came back?

I'm at my wits end of what to do, I'm fairly good at sorting out stuff usually.
But you won't sort this, there'll be problem after problem, and you'll be run into the ground with no thanks. How old are they? They sound selfish and awful.

I agree. Walk away. Please, before they destroy you.

Go over to the ‘elderly parents’ threads and have a look there. Walk away and turn off your phone if you can.

They have made their choices.

So my mum is ok in terms of citizenship as she is Irish, my step-dad not so much as he's English and hasn't sorted the paperwork.

I think a lot of people are echoing what I feel which is that I can't do much more, I've spent my life fighting against being that person who saves people which comes from doing this for them since I was a child.

They did have a fair bit of money that they inherited from my Nan, but I can't imagine there is much of it left.

They order a lot on like (boxes of the wine) and get the cleaner to bulk buy cigarettes every week.

It makes me so sad how hard my grandparents worked for their money and it's just funded this.

Read ‘you are not the problem’ book. It’s brilliant, you will take great comfort from it. Good luck x

I think they would be able to get NHS if they came back, but I think maybe time to take a break from trying to sort it.
(They are 64 and 78 to the person who asked earlier)
It's so hard to break a lifetime of being the person who saves the alcoholic.

I think they'd only get help if they permanently moved back to UK? Or are they planning on health tourism? For your own good step away. They sound like they will bleed you dry financially, emotionally and mentally.