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Original poster

Old friend; is this appropriate?

28 replies

XChrome · 07/07/2024 05:23

I want to get in touch with an old friend I haven't talked to in twenty years. I just found out another old friend I had lost touch with died a few years back.
I wish I had made more of an effort to find her and rekindle the friendship, but I was too late. So it got me thinking about my other friend and wishing I knew how she was doing.
The problem is that my friend who is (AFAIK) still living ghosted me, which is why we haven't spoken. She got her nose out of joint about something which was, in all objectivity, quite minor. It was to do with me being friends with a mutual friend she was on the outs with about a misunderstanding. I didn't take sides, and I guess she wanted me to take her side. However, I did think she was mostly in the wrong, so I was not going to be a hypocrite about it and pretend to believe my other friend had done her wrong. It just wasn't true.

Anyway, I'm thinking she probably isn't still upset about it twenty years later. So I found contact info for her, but I'm reluctant to use it because she still may not want anything to do with me. I thought a letter would be less intrusive than a phone call and she could just choose to respond or not.

Opinions? Should I send the letter or is it a bad idea? I just wanted to ask her how she is, tell her I still think of her, and let her know about the death of my other friend, who she knew and liked. I would tell her that if she chooses not to respond, I will respect her decision and not contact her again.

OP posts:
CrunchyCarrot · 07/07/2024 05:42

Your idea of a letter is probably quite good as your old friend can decided whether she wants to respond or not.

My own experiences of old friends that I've gotten back in touch with after very long periods of time is quite mixed. They've moved on, even if they have given quite an enthusiastic reception at first, that has quickly evaporated as they are busy with their lives and I've been ghosted. It's probably because the things we had in common then just don't exist now. I've been quite disappointed by this and resolved not to try to contact old friends again, and leave the past in the past with whatever good memories remain.

I wish you all the best though whatever you decide to do!

rwalker · 07/07/2024 06:00

Go for it it’s not a disaster if it pans out ether way

Bookworm20 · 07/07/2024 06:30

Life is short. Send the letter.
Sorry about your friend who has sadly passed.
You’ve nothing to lose by reaching out, but could end up rekindling a friendship that was lost over something silly. (Although maybe it was a big deal to her so don’t downplay that).
Hope it works out for you.

GiggleMugsMandy · 07/07/2024 06:47

I would hate to have such a letter land on my door mat tbh. Even if she chooses not to respond you have inserted yourself, uninvited, into her life and may stir up old pain. If something was upsetting enough to her for her to ghost you then I’d leave well alone.

Yozzer87 · 07/07/2024 06:56

I probably wouldn't. If I crossed paths with an old friend, I might try to make amends for whatever I'd done in the past but I wouldn't go looking for people. I was on the other side of this. An old friend searched for me. We message occasionally but things aren't like they were and we don't have much in common anymore.
Your friend probably doesn't hold resentment anymore but might not be interested in pursuing a proper friendship again. That said, if you wanted to do it, a letter or message on Facebook would be better than phoning or turning up at her door.

Jasmineinthegarden · 07/07/2024 06:58

CrunchyCarrot · 07/07/2024 05:42

Your idea of a letter is probably quite good as your old friend can decided whether she wants to respond or not.

My own experiences of old friends that I've gotten back in touch with after very long periods of time is quite mixed. They've moved on, even if they have given quite an enthusiastic reception at first, that has quickly evaporated as they are busy with their lives and I've been ghosted. It's probably because the things we had in common then just don't exist now. I've been quite disappointed by this and resolved not to try to contact old friends again, and leave the past in the past with whatever good memories remain.

I wish you all the best though whatever you decide to do!

This has been my experience too. Best leave it be probably.

Feelingmentallyunsettled · 07/07/2024 06:59

I really don't think a phone call would be the right thing to do. It would put your old friend on the spot. It would take her by surprise and her instant reaction might not be a very receptive one.

I do think you should send a letter though.

I lost touch with my old friends, mainly due to my relationship with my first husband - he used to ridicule them all and I was so infatuated with him I allowed myself to stupidly distance myself from them. I bitterly regret that.
So when I found out a few years ago one of them died relatively young it made me so sad and guilty for allowing us to drift apart. I wanted then to try and get back in touch with my other friends but I didn't do anything about it for various reasons. Guilt being the main one though.

So yes I think you should send that letter and try and rebuild the friendship. I hope it works out well.

DatingDinosaur · 07/07/2024 07:01

I'd send a letter. I wouldn't offer a get-out clause of "if you don't want to respond..." though. It makes it sound like you're still holding a grudge about her ghosting you! She either will or she won't regardless.

Just something short mentioning your mutual friend's death and that you're reaching out to other people you've lost touch with over the years, it would be lovely to hear from her and maybe meet up for a catch up/reminisce some time, etc.

Like you say, this was 20 years ago, if she's still holding a grudge after all this time then that's on her.

mondaytosunday · 07/07/2024 07:39

A letter sounds a bit intense to be honest. I had a very close friend and even when she married and moved out of the city I maintained a friendship (me always going to her). When I got married her kids were my bridesmaids but after that I realised she never made any efforts to see me once I had kids. It was still expected I go to her, and she often cancelled last minute. The nail in the coffin was she asked me to come out to her big birthday, hog roast big bash type thing. I delightedly accepted then she asked if my husband would be around (he travelled frequently) and the answer was no. She immediately back pedalled saying how it would be all couples, I wouldn't really know anyone, basically uninvited me! After that I made little effort to see her and she the same, to the point that when my husband passed away suddenly I didn't even tell her.
Fast forward a decade. She called me up out of the blue and announced she was coming to visit me! No reference to anything just wanted to get back in touch. It was like no time and gone by and we now see each other a few times a year (we live about an hour and a half apart). It's lovely to have reconnected.
So, call your old friend. Sound her out a bit. If she sounds welcoming suggest a meet up and pinpoint a date there and then. If her response to you is vague just say that you'd love to see her and now she has your number to just give you a call when free. You have nothing to lose and a friend to gain.

commonsense61 · 07/07/2024 08:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
XChrome · 07/07/2024 15:16

CrunchyCarrot · 07/07/2024 05:42

Your idea of a letter is probably quite good as your old friend can decided whether she wants to respond or not.

My own experiences of old friends that I've gotten back in touch with after very long periods of time is quite mixed. They've moved on, even if they have given quite an enthusiastic reception at first, that has quickly evaporated as they are busy with their lives and I've been ghosted. It's probably because the things we had in common then just don't exist now. I've been quite disappointed by this and resolved not to try to contact old friends again, and leave the past in the past with whatever good memories remain.

I wish you all the best though whatever you decide to do!

Your experiences with this have given me pause. I don't want to be disappointed, so I'm reconsidering the idea.
Thanks very much for sharing those experiences. That was helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
XChrome · 07/07/2024 15:17

rwalker · 07/07/2024 06:00

Go for it it’s not a disaster if it pans out ether way

True. Still thinking about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
XChrome · 07/07/2024 15:19

Bookworm20 · 07/07/2024 06:30

Life is short. Send the letter.
Sorry about your friend who has sadly passed.
You’ve nothing to lose by reaching out, but could end up rekindling a friendship that was lost over something silly. (Although maybe it was a big deal to her so don’t downplay that).
Hope it works out for you.

Good point about not downplaying it. I wasn't even going to talk about it unless she responded and brought it up. I figure she might be embarrassed about it, because she really did behave quite childishly at the time.

OP posts:
hopscotcher · 07/07/2024 15:20

Send the letter as long as you're emotionally prepared for no response. In the letter, I wouldn't revisit any of the stuff you fell out about, and wouldn't try to prompt a reply from her.

Bestyearever2024 · 07/07/2024 15:22

XChrome · 07/07/2024 15:19

Good point about not downplaying it. I wasn't even going to talk about it unless she responded and brought it up. I figure she might be embarrassed about it, because she really did behave quite childishly at the time.

Show quote history

Are you really sure that you want this person back in your life?

Original poster
XChrome · 07/07/2024 15:22

Feelingmentallyunsettled · 07/07/2024 06:59

I really don't think a phone call would be the right thing to do. It would put your old friend on the spot. It would take her by surprise and her instant reaction might not be a very receptive one.

I do think you should send a letter though.

I lost touch with my old friends, mainly due to my relationship with my first husband - he used to ridicule them all and I was so infatuated with him I allowed myself to stupidly distance myself from them. I bitterly regret that.
So when I found out a few years ago one of them died relatively young it made me so sad and guilty for allowing us to drift apart. I wanted then to try and get back in touch with my other friends but I didn't do anything about it for various reasons. Guilt being the main one though.

So yes I think you should send that letter and try and rebuild the friendship. I hope it works out well.

Edited

Yes, exactly. I do feel guilty that I didn't reach out to my now deceased friend years ago. I'm getting mixed opinions here so I'm still unsure.

It's good that the husband you mention is an ex. He sounds awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
XChrome · 07/07/2024 15:23

DatingDinosaur · 07/07/2024 07:01

I'd send a letter. I wouldn't offer a get-out clause of "if you don't want to respond..." though. It makes it sound like you're still holding a grudge about her ghosting you! She either will or she won't regardless.

Just something short mentioning your mutual friend's death and that you're reaching out to other people you've lost touch with over the years, it would be lovely to hear from her and maybe meet up for a catch up/reminisce some time, etc.

Like you say, this was 20 years ago, if she's still holding a grudge after all this time then that's on her.

Great points. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
XChrome · 07/07/2024 15:28

mondaytosunday · 07/07/2024 07:39

A letter sounds a bit intense to be honest. I had a very close friend and even when she married and moved out of the city I maintained a friendship (me always going to her). When I got married her kids were my bridesmaids but after that I realised she never made any efforts to see me once I had kids. It was still expected I go to her, and she often cancelled last minute. The nail in the coffin was she asked me to come out to her big birthday, hog roast big bash type thing. I delightedly accepted then she asked if my husband would be around (he travelled frequently) and the answer was no. She immediately back pedalled saying how it would be all couples, I wouldn't really know anyone, basically uninvited me! After that I made little effort to see her and she the same, to the point that when my husband passed away suddenly I didn't even tell her.
Fast forward a decade. She called me up out of the blue and announced she was coming to visit me! No reference to anything just wanted to get back in touch. It was like no time and gone by and we now see each other a few times a year (we live about an hour and a half apart). It's lovely to have reconnected.
So, call your old friend. Sound her out a bit. If she sounds welcoming suggest a meet up and pinpoint a date there and then. If her response to you is vague just say that you'd love to see her and now she has your number to just give you a call when free. You have nothing to lose and a friend to gain.

Thanks. It's complicated by the fact that she lives far away and I'm not really in a position to travel out to see her these days. We were long distance friends from the start. We met on the internet and then started talking on the phone a lot. So that's why it might seem inappropriate to her, since we never even met in person. She did seem to be fond of me though and we had been making plans for me to come visit her.

OP posts:
Original poster
XChrome · 07/07/2024 15:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Yikes! How awful for your daughter.

It wasn't about bullying in this case. It was just about a dispute she had with another friend. She seemed to want me to take her side and go against the other person. I would not have felt right about doing that, because the other person had not done anything wrong. They just disagreed about something. Perhaps she thought I was disloyal, or perhaps she just wanted out of the situation and used that as an excuse. I wish I knew.

OP posts:
MagpiePi · 07/07/2024 15:35

I am in a similar position to your friend having recently met up with a woman who was my childhood best friend. We gradually lost touch after leaving school, which was about 30 years ago, but she and the friendship group that we were have all kept in close touch.

I do feel a bit hurt that I was left out af all the adult socialising; maybe I could have made more effort, but equally, so could they. Tbh, I didn't really warm to her when we met recently and I think we are different to who we were as teenagers.

If you do decide to get in touch then a letter would be the best way IMO. Your friend isn't put on the spot and can decide in her own time whether to respond. You should also be prepared for rejection.

Original poster
XChrome · 07/07/2024 15:37

MagpiePi · 07/07/2024 15:35

I am in a similar position to your friend having recently met up with a woman who was my childhood best friend. We gradually lost touch after leaving school, which was about 30 years ago, but she and the friendship group that we were have all kept in close touch.

I do feel a bit hurt that I was left out af all the adult socialising; maybe I could have made more effort, but equally, so could they. Tbh, I didn't really warm to her when we met recently and I think we are different to who we were as teenagers.

If you do decide to get in touch then a letter would be the best way IMO. Your friend isn't put on the spot and can decide in her own time whether to respond. You should also be prepared for rejection.

I'm sorry that didn't work out for you. Yes, I do think a letter would be more appropriate.

OP posts:
MagpiePi · 07/07/2024 15:44

XChrome · 07/07/2024 15:37

I'm sorry that didn't work out for you. Yes, I do think a letter would be more appropriate.

Show quote history

Is there something in the air?
She has just sent me a whatsapp message that I really don't want to read, but she will know if I do read it and don't respond.

Furore · 07/07/2024 15:59

I would send a Christmas card, in early Dec and put a letter in with your news and contact details Thus she won't feel pressurised to contact you, but also it gives her time to think about it and get back to you in the new year with no uncomfortable feeling of urgency attached to it.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 07/07/2024 16:08

Do write a friendly letter, OP. Just don’t worry about it. What have you got to lose? An unfriendly reply would hurt your feelings for a while, but you’d never have to see her again.

Original poster
XChrome · 07/07/2024 16:12

Furore · 07/07/2024 15:59

I would send a Christmas card, in early Dec and put a letter in with your news and contact details Thus she won't feel pressurised to contact you, but also it gives her time to think about it and get back to you in the new year with no uncomfortable feeling of urgency attached to it.

Great idea. Yeah, that might feel like less pressure on her.

OP posts: