Dealing with parents who have an issue with everything

[Amiam]

My mum and dad are 67 and 71. They are very stressy and worry and find fault in our adult life decisions. They tend to sit in my head as an obstacle i must handle if i buy something or do anything. My sister is the same. We are mid 30s. Cars, kids and pets are big triggers for them. If you tell them your plans they start telling you theres a better option or to take your time and wait abit etc. This is usually when you have already said yes to the car or signed the contract. They then ask annoying questions like have you looked into this. Have you thought about cost bla bla bla. Recently my sister passed her driving test and got a fairly pricey car as she works on a farm and my parents were really pissed off. They ranted and my dad is now annoyed at how much farming shes supporting her bf with. The price also triggers them.

So 3 days ago i had a spontaneous moment in my life. I said id adopt a jack russel of my bfs daughter whos back in my life unbeknown to my parents who bascially told me never to have him at my new place as we split up for 6 months. Im excited about the dog. Its 6. I need some company. I love walking. My kids will love it. Its just exciting for me. But i have got to somehow drop this bombshell on my parents ive adopted a dog. I need to lie about who its from. I then will get all the worries like what if it bites. What if it gets vet bills. What if i want to go out. Whst if i get evicted Etc. Ive ofcourse got funds to pay for it. I just want to make adult decisions without having to defend myself.

Has anyone gone through this and how do you handle it. Thank you.

Stop. Just stop. Don't tell them anything and if you do, and they start going on, walk away/end the call/go home. It's ridiculous that you're hiding your relationship from your parents.

You’re sharing too much information!

Put them all on a strict information diet. Consider also lowering your current level
of contact with them too.

Create boundaries and then enforce them. It works wonders. Your life is not your parents business.

Loud stern voice.. Dm /df I am <insert your age > and I can do whatever I choose.. End phone call or leave their home.
Diet of least informative essential..

They are infantilising you. I agree with the others: stop telling them things about your plans and decisions.

Going low contact is one option.

But if you are close in other ways you need to establish that you are an adult and that the decisions you make are not up for discussion.

You need to stop behaving like a child seeking approval from them and instead be very clear that your holiday/car/dog is not a matter for discussion - you have let them know and you are not interested in talking about it.

It's going to be hard - they see you as a child in need of instruction. You're not. You're an adult and they need to talk to you as an adult.

So with your dog - don't lie to them. When they meet it, just tell them the dog's name. If they start banging on state clearly 'I am an adult, this is not your decision and I do not want to talk about it' If they persist walk away from them for a while. If they continue further or won't let you walk away either go home yourself or tell them they need to go home as they are not listening to you.

I think "just stop" is very easy to say when you haven't been brought up by people like this who have made you feel a certain way about everything you do and you are almost under their control. This dynamic continues long into adulthood.

It has certainly ruined my life. The opportunities I've turned down because of the sneers and judgement of my arsehole mother. Making me feel like an idiot, making stupid decisions. When now I see that she was just jealous and couldn't bare me to have a better life than her.

I have started the process of cutting her out and the lies have already started about me, as people are asking why I'm not about as much.

These people are toxic. And their damage is deep.

Stop telling them stuff. Stick to bland subjects. If you choose to tell them stuff, shut them down.
'we're fine, thanks'
'oh well.'
'its fine, I'm looking forward to it'
then change the subject/leave the room. Never answer with justifications or anything other than how pleased you are with your choice in [whatever]

You don't need to provide them with an audience for the droning.

You are encouraging this dynamic and validating their sense of entitlement to infantilise you, by involving them in discussions that they have no place being involved in.

Don't tell them anything they don't need to know. Anything you do have to tell them (i.e. that you've got a new dog) you need to take control of the conversation and not be forced into a position of defending yourself. "Mum/Dad, I am X years old and if I want a dog I'll have a dog. Now, do you want a cup of tea?" If they keep pushing, just tell them you're not prepared to discuss it any further.

Unfortunately if you want to break this dynamic, you're going to have to be very firm and they won't like it. Hopefully with time they will learn to keep their beaks out.

Stop sharing
ensure you don’t phrase anythign as if you’re asking for permission / advice
accept it’s a “then” problem listen smiley and carry on, confident in your own decisions and choices. You don’t need to convince them.

*them

My parents are like this and similar ages.

They make me feel like a little girl. So I just don't tell them anything! It's the only way!

All of this really none of their business.

Why do you tell them everything?

Are you afraid to tell them it's none of their business?

It sounds so stressful for you.

Mine were like that. I learned never to tell them how much anything cost us, their views on how much big things cost are very dated - if they pushed I’d say “we’re happy to manage our own finances thanks”.

For other conversations “thanks but we’re really happy with our decision”

They do get the message eventually. ….

I dont tell them alot and only stuff i need to mention like the dog incase they turn up. I dont see them much. I am terrified to tell them im with him again. Ive hid it for 19 months. We wont ever live together etc. We have a very independant connection. We are more like best mates who dont always agree. Its not a meet my parents feeling. My parents can be very stern and blunt. My mum is very harsh at times.

Maybe consider some therapy op.
working on your boundaries can make such a difference to you.

it really doesn’t need to be like this.

there is a great book that I recommend often to my clients called Adult children of emotionally immature parents.

My mum used to do this, actually she does BUT I take no notice and laugh.
If she's really negative about something it usually means I'm doing the right thing.
As a family we've had a horrible six months - when I first confided in my mum whats was happening. She was horrible, cruel and unkind. In the hell that I was going through - I told her in a stern text that unless she can be kind and NOT give constant unasked for opinions I would not in contact. I didn't contact her with 3 weeks and after that she's been on her best behaviour. I've only wanted her to be supportive and kind.

After that I set boundaries and can ignore or laugh at the things she says.

Set boundaries, limit information given. Just say we're adopting jack russel. Dont give reasons/excuses. End of.

Enjoy your jack russel.

Why do you allow it ?

What stops you firmly telling them it’s not their business and you will make the decisions about your life ?

Best thing is to not tell them anything until it's old news to you. Yes, DS changed school last year, it's brilliant he loves it. Oh did I not tell you about the dog, it seems likes he's been here forever, kids love him, best decision ever. Be bright and breezy about everything.

And low contact.

They fab dogs. I agree dont tell them too much. Our mum can be similar. We grown women.. yes I keep topics vague now

Its hard to see it. I felt my childhood was good and it was really. My parents were both married and we had nice routines. They were slightly strict. I know my mum is not one for emotions. Im very different with my kids so far.

I have massively backed away from them in 2021 when they started finding fault with both my kids and visiting them gave me anxiety.

I have this huge fear of their car pulling up in my drive and my bf being here. Its been eating away at me for months.

Remind yourself op that if your dp’s think they did a good job of raising you then they shouldn’t need to parent you like a young dc. They should trust that they gave you the tools to function as an independent adult.

My mantra is when you pay my mortgage/rent then you get a say.

They do make me feel like a useless kid. Its not easy. I wonder how other peoples parents are sometimes. Ive never done drugs or been a bad parent. Never been in debt and live a normal life. So not sure whats made them this way. Like i said my sister is with a farmer and she does alot of driving about checking sheep etc. My parents also dont like this. They see her as being a skivvy. But my mum stayed home and my dad worked. Sometimes i think my mums never experienced being an independant woman and perhaps theres some jealousy in there. She can be quite shitty with her remarks on my 9 year old.

The funny thing is my parents had dogs and fish and birds and allsorts over the years.

Have you found any of the unanimous replies helpful?