Dealing with parents who have an issue with everything

[Amiam]

My mum and dad are 67 and 71. They are very stressy and worry and find fault in our adult life decisions. They tend to sit in my head as an obstacle i must handle if i buy something or do anything. My sister is the same. We are mid 30s. Cars, kids and pets are big triggers for them. If you tell them your plans they start telling you theres a better option or to take your time and wait abit etc. This is usually when you have already said yes to the car or signed the contract. They then ask annoying questions like have you looked into this. Have you thought about cost bla bla bla. Recently my sister passed her driving test and got a fairly pricey car as she works on a farm and my parents were really pissed off. They ranted and my dad is now annoyed at how much farming shes supporting her bf with. The price also triggers them.

So 3 days ago i had a spontaneous moment in my life. I said id adopt a jack russel of my bfs daughter whos back in my life unbeknown to my parents who bascially told me never to have him at my new place as we split up for 6 months. Im excited about the dog. Its 6. I need some company. I love walking. My kids will love it. Its just exciting for me. But i have got to somehow drop this bombshell on my parents ive adopted a dog. I need to lie about who its from. I then will get all the worries like what if it bites. What if it gets vet bills. What if i want to go out. Whst if i get evicted Etc. Ive ofcourse got funds to pay for it. I just want to make adult decisions without having to defend myself.

Has anyone gone through this and how do you handle it. Thank you.

They seem to be trying to control and manipulate you even as an adult and they seem to think that you need their permission to do anything...

That really is not normal or healthy.

I would stop sharing details of your life with them and start distancing yourself. It is affecting you negatively and you need to focus on your own life, not trying to please parents who will always find fault with whatever you do.

You also really don't want your kids being treated the same way as you are.

Yeah it helps to read everyones replies. I did have therapy once and she said she wondered how i felt age wise around my parents.
I dont know when i look into it whats normal. I cant be myself infront of them. Especially my mum. I am a very empathic person and making people feel better is important to me. I went into the care side of work and its where i feel happy. I feel at work im my kind authentic self.

I know my mum and dad care and i know my dad does love me. My mum i know has not got that natural side of being a friend to us. I feel she is uncomfortable with herself. Like i say she tends to dig alot at my daughter. She has little to say about her to big her up. Its a tough one. Im doing some reflecting lately

My parents are similar in some ways. I think some of it comes from their own paranoia about being used by others and they then project it on to me. For example, as a child I could never say ‘X asked if they could have a lift with us to Brownies’ because it would be met with much huffing and stressing and possibly an explosion about how they have less than X’s parents etc.

My mother is particularly disapproving of my sister and I spending too much money on ourselves. She has spent the last two weeks trying to talk my sister out of buying a new car and has been trying to insist that she must have her old, high mileage car fixed even though it is getting to the point of being economically more sensible to buy something new. Some of this is her own anxiety around money but some is related to her refusal to ever ‘treat herself’ to anything nice.

Yes i agree. My mum is the same. My mum presumes ive got "money to burn" sometimes but i really dont. I buy stuff on offer 95% of the time and i always pay my bills and dont go into my overdraft.

It is tiring. My mum spends alot of time on fb throwing her opinions around and trying to be in with women my age. She has a laugh with them and puts kisses. Her own daughters though no kisses and any comments ate usually to put you down through "banter".

Its all odd but i do think my mum wishes she had been able to live more

If you don't want them to know don't tell them.

Some parents can't stop being parents no matter what age they get too!

The raw truth is you have parents who are not only UNABLE to love you but who also feel envious of any love you have for anything. People like this are dreadful parents and it takes their children a long time, if ever, to come to terms with it.

My parents were like this . Always thinking they were older and wiser. But the world has changed so much since they were consumers. So they were often out of step with things . My solution was to just listen , go OK and then do whatever I wanted to. Thing is they were coming from a good place and wanted the best for me . Now I have adult DCs I keep my opinions to myself unless I am asked .

Yes not sure is it boredom with mine she 80s. I learnt dont tell too much then they cant comment. Your age group never had it as good. I said yes I work hard for it! ...

I would stop trying to appease them. You’re an adult now and you need to behave as one to your parents. Once you stop giving them power over you the dynamic will change.

No advice but I could have made this post. My parents are exactly the same and it's driving me insane. I'm also in my mid 30's and absolutely sick of having to worry about their opinions/reactions when I make any life decisions.

I realised it 10 years ago when i was pregnant. I remember being so hopeful of having a girl but itching to find out either way as a boy would have been so exciting to prepare for too. I remember being 14 weeks pregnant showing them my scan photos and saying in 6 weeks ill find out if its a boy or a girl. They both shocked me with their reactions. They actually asked me why i would want to spoil the surprise, risk a longer labour and then already know everything before the babies born. I used the words "its my pregnancy its up to me" my dad then snapped at me. Stopped speaking to me. I was 25! I remember being at my sisters after feeling so upset.

When my 20 week scan showed i was having a girl i wanted to put it on fb with pink bows and share my joy. But i wasnt able to. I spent the next 2 years angry and bitter.

My son joined us 2.5 years later and he gave me the strength to be more firm with them. Its sad really.

Yes my parents are the same and I'm in my 60's. I live an alternative kind of life in a colourful community which I cant mention as its outing.
My parents know absolutely nothing about myife. I tell them nothing. They know what my normal job is and that's it.
If someone asked them what my life looked like they would not be able to reply.
Critical parents don't deserve to be told anything about your life.
They will eventually learn that if they want to share your life they will need to learn not to be so critical.

i also have parents like this. I think i was around late 30s before I learned to take no notice of their opinions on my ( rather full and normal) life.

i also made a rule not to tell them too much. They are in their late 80s now and quite dated in their ideas. They also don’t approve of anyone doing anything different. I’ve eventually concluded it’s due to a combination of anxiety , jealousy , control and not being able to adapt to not having dependent children.

i can understand why you don’t tell them about the boyfriend- it’s probably not worth the drama. But you can’t live your life in fear of them finding out? Is there a way to warm them up to you being “friends” again?

👆
And I don't understand why are they doing this.
In fact, in my case only, I'd go no contact.

My family are like this! I tell them less now.