I met my ex via online dating early 2019, we were both in our 40s, both divorced, we each had children.
First date, he was nice, but I didn’t feel any real connection. He, however, was gushing. He told me I was so beautiful, he felt a real connection and pursued me immediately after. I agreed to a second date and things just started to develop.
I had a very successful career, (beautiful) own home, car, big circle of friends, lots of interests. He was working as a sales assistant in a local furniture store, living with his mum, playing football, out drinking every weekend, acquaintances/drinking buddies but no true friends. Something akin to a 20 year old.
He was however charming, good looking, great body! He treated me as though I was the love of his life. The dates just kept rolling. I paid for most things, including meals out, weekends away.
He pushed to move in at about the 6 month mark, but I resisted and was clear I did not want it, I was not ready. Fast forward 6 months, covid hit, he moved in and lived with me for four years.
During covid, things worked. He was furloughed, spent the summer in the garden, sunbathing, while I worked. I enjoyed the company of him being there.
After 2 years of co-habiting, I asked if he would start contributing to some household finances. Not a lot, but something. I explained cost of living had gone up and also, I was concerned about him being with me for the right reasons. Was he only with me for a free life? He reacted badly, saying he couldn’t believe I could suggest such a thing, that he truly loved me and he wishes he could contribute financially, but he just didn’t have the money.
A year later, I broached the subject again, explaining I was starting to resent his lack of financial contribution. He looked at me in disgust and agreed to start contributing. Throughout the next 12 months, he paid approx. £800 in total towards living costs. (£800 for living costs, including food over 4 years (I had paid out for him on a few occasions during this time, approx. £2k to cover child maintenance etc when he was unable to work)).
I had a constant niggle that something wasn’t right and that there was something I didn’t know/he wasn’t telling me.
However aside from him not contributing financially and not including me in any of his family events (in five years, I met his children twice, his brother once and never met his sister; he was included in my whole life), we got along, walked together, hiked together, went out for meals. I loved his company (mostly). We were great doing something or nothing. Everybody that knew us thought we were perfect together. Made for each other. He was always truly attentive and made me (and everybody else) believe that I was the love of his life.
There were however ups and downs, lots of periods of not talking, he would leave for a night or two, with no communication. Upon his return, we would sweep things under the carpet and move on. On a few occasions, if we went out for drinks, he would leave me to walk home alone. On one occasion, we were staying away for the weekend, he was ready to leave the bar before me (I said, let me just finish my drink), he left me wandering the city with no phone/cash/cards, trying to find our hotel. When I finally found it – he wasn’t there, he was still out drinking.
Relationship aside, I had a lot going on with my son who, post-covid suffered school withdrawal, substance abuse, depression diagnosis, involvement with the police. This was incredibly stressful (and continues to be). My ex mostly supported me through this and was somebody to share some of the load with.
Earlier this year, I found messages from my ex to two girls approx. six months in to our relationship arranging to meet them for sex. I hit the roof and asked him to leave. There was no discussion, he just left. A week later he messaged to say “this is the hardest breakup ever”. We arranged to meet up to talk things through. He wouldn’t admit to sending the messages, he said he hadn’t even looked to see which messages I was referring to.
A few days later, I caved and asked him could we try again at our relationship. He said he was unsure, but would “try”. For two months, he cruelly played me. One minute all over me saying he loved me, I was his future, instigating intimacy. The next, completely cold and cruel. During this time, my son attempted suicide and my ex didn’t even ask if I was ok. My ex finally ended our relationship saying he was a shell of his previous self and couldn’t continue in the relationship. He chose a single room, in a shared house in the roughest part of town over me. Why did I allow him to treat me so coldly and cruelly during these two months?
Since the relationship ended, I have discovered he is many thousands in debt. Tens of debt recovery letters. Two CCJs. One from last year (he owed his ex girlfriend £12,000 that she apparently loaned him to pay off his credit card debt, two weeks before he met me!!!), with a court summons that he told me nothing about. I am worried baylifs will turn up to my home! I have been reassured that as nothing is in my name they cannot take anything even if they do.
I feel broken. Despite him not contributing financially and excluding me from his family, I thought we had a real connection and he truly loved me. Was it all a lie? I know there were many things wrong in this relationship, but why do I still miss him and want him back (we will never get back together, but I miss him). Was the whole relationship a lie and how do I get over him? I don’t think he was the person I thought he was! I feel embarrassed, upset, sad, fooled and foolish. Any advice?