Was my relationship a complete lie?

[CraftyGreyFawn]

I met my ex via online dating early 2019, we were both in our 40s, both divorced, we each had children.

First date, he was nice, but I didn’t feel any real connection. He, however, was gushing. He told me I was so beautiful, he felt a real connection and pursued me immediately after. I agreed to a second date and things just started to develop.

I had a very successful career, (beautiful) own home, car, big circle of friends, lots of interests. He was working as a sales assistant in a local furniture store, living with his mum, playing football, out drinking every weekend, acquaintances/drinking buddies but no true friends. Something akin to a 20 year old.

He was however charming, good looking, great body! He treated me as though I was the love of his life. The dates just kept rolling. I paid for most things, including meals out, weekends away.

He pushed to move in at about the 6 month mark, but I resisted and was clear I did not want it, I was not ready. Fast forward 6 months, covid hit, he moved in and lived with me for four years.

During covid, things worked. He was furloughed, spent the summer in the garden, sunbathing, while I worked. I enjoyed the company of him being there.

After 2 years of co-habiting, I asked if he would start contributing to some household finances. Not a lot, but something. I explained cost of living had gone up and also, I was concerned about him being with me for the right reasons. Was he only with me for a free life? He reacted badly, saying he couldn’t believe I could suggest such a thing, that he truly loved me and he wishes he could contribute financially, but he just didn’t have the money.

A year later, I broached the subject again, explaining I was starting to resent his lack of financial contribution. He looked at me in disgust and agreed to start contributing. Throughout the next 12 months, he paid approx. £800 in total towards living costs. (£800 for living costs, including food over 4 years (I had paid out for him on a few occasions during this time, approx. £2k to cover child maintenance etc when he was unable to work)).

I had a constant niggle that something wasn’t right and that there was something I didn’t know/he wasn’t telling me.

However aside from him not contributing financially and not including me in any of his family events (in five years, I met his children twice, his brother once and never met his sister; he was included in my whole life), we got along, walked together, hiked together, went out for meals. I loved his company (mostly). We were great doing something or nothing. Everybody that knew us thought we were perfect together. Made for each other. He was always truly attentive and made me (and everybody else) believe that I was the love of his life.

There were however ups and downs, lots of periods of not talking, he would leave for a night or two, with no communication. Upon his return, we would sweep things under the carpet and move on. On a few occasions, if we went out for drinks, he would leave me to walk home alone. On one occasion, we were staying away for the weekend, he was ready to leave the bar before me (I said, let me just finish my drink), he left me wandering the city with no phone/cash/cards, trying to find our hotel. When I finally found it – he wasn’t there, he was still out drinking.

Relationship aside, I had a lot going on with my son who, post-covid suffered school withdrawal, substance abuse, depression diagnosis, involvement with the police. This was incredibly stressful (and continues to be). My ex mostly supported me through this and was somebody to share some of the load with.

Earlier this year, I found messages from my ex to two girls approx. six months in to our relationship arranging to meet them for sex. I hit the roof and asked him to leave. There was no discussion, he just left. A week later he messaged to say “this is the hardest breakup ever”. We arranged to meet up to talk things through. He wouldn’t admit to sending the messages, he said he hadn’t even looked to see which messages I was referring to.

A few days later, I caved and asked him could we try again at our relationship. He said he was unsure, but would “try”. For two months, he cruelly played me. One minute all over me saying he loved me, I was his future, instigating intimacy. The next, completely cold and cruel. During this time, my son attempted suicide and my ex didn’t even ask if I was ok. My ex finally ended our relationship saying he was a shell of his previous self and couldn’t continue in the relationship. He chose a single room, in a shared house in the roughest part of town over me. Why did I allow him to treat me so coldly and cruelly during these two months?

Since the relationship ended, I have discovered he is many thousands in debt. Tens of debt recovery letters. Two CCJs. One from last year (he owed his ex girlfriend £12,000 that she apparently loaned him to pay off his credit card debt, two weeks before he met me!!!), with a court summons that he told me nothing about. I am worried baylifs will turn up to my home! I have been reassured that as nothing is in my name they cannot take anything even if they do.

I feel broken. Despite him not contributing financially and excluding me from his family, I thought we had a real connection and he truly loved me. Was it all a lie? I know there were many things wrong in this relationship, but why do I still miss him and want him back (we will never get back together, but I miss him). Was the whole relationship a lie and how do I get over him? I don’t think he was the person I thought he was! I feel embarrassed, upset, sad, fooled and foolish. Any advice?

I know from personal experience how horrible it is to wonder if a whole relationship was a lie so as I was reading I was intending to post to say it wasn’t or not all of it, some words of comfort. Then I got to the part where he met you two weeks after his previous girlfriend loaned him £12k.

I think it almost certainly was a lie, a scam.

Every time you miss him remember that he never asked how you were when your son attempted suicide. That is who he is- a person who is completely untouched by something so terrible and someone who has no regard for you at all.

I don’t know why we have these residual feelings for absolute shit bags but they are treacherous; but they fade. Hope yours fade soon

Yet another cocklodger.

These men give their partner what they are missing. Often someone to chat to, emotional support, physical affection. In return they get free/cheap accommodation, meals cooked etc. They will see it as what they deserve in return for doing things they don't really want to do such as listening to your problems.

On the positive side you're rid of him now and can focus your finances on yourself and family.

Thank you @lofthatch . I do accept that he completely used me, but I struggle with how somebody can maintain such an act of pretending to genuinely love somebody for five years. I though this stuff only happened in Take a Break magazine! I sadly agree, the next victim is just around the corner. Possibly already being worked on.

Thank you @Lurkingandlearning . I definitely saw the true person that he is the two months of us "trying" to fix (the unfixable) relationship. He is not nice. As you say, it is hard to shake the residual feelings, despite the hard facts clearly spelling out the true reality of the situation. I am sorry to hear that you also questioned a previous relationship. I hope you are ok, recovered and in a great place now.

Who cares what was going on in this losers head he is a totally irrelevant person. Work on yourself and why you were ever attracted to him, then on reinforcing your boundaries so it never happens again. I would recommend staying single for a good few years.

He saw it like a job.

Rather than having to work a full time job like most of us, he provided sex and some company in exchange for a nice house, meals cooked, someone to do or share house chores with etc. Not a bad deal for him at all!

I think when he saw your house and lifestyle he had his eye on the main chance

It wasn't a lie because he was clearly a freeloader from the very beginning. But I can only see that objectively from what you've written. For you with feelings involved, it would've felt different. But if you read it all back, you'll see it too.
It reads as a transactional arrangement- certainly no love story! You weren't keen from the start but came to appreciate his effusive compliments and company. All his costs were covered, so it's needless to say what he got out of it.

Don't buy affection again. If it's real, people pay their own way in life because that's what normal functional adults do and not begrudgingly, either.

@CraftyGreyFawn

I am just so upset and angry that I am left with so much healing that is needed because of an utter waste of space

Crafty, go a step further back than that.

You need healing because something was wrong before you met him. Your boundaries were already crushed.

Don't beat yourself up, you wanted to believe the things he said, you wanted to be loved, to have someone in your life. You're not the first, sadly, you won't be the last.

He has his own issues, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour entirely. He did use you, emotionally & physically, but also he possibly did mean the nice things when he said them - even if they were ways to manipulate you it doesn't mean you aren't all those things!

it's ok to miss the person you thought he was, the good times you had and having someone in your life. As long as you are 200% resolute that he doesn't become part of your life again!!

TRY to rebuild your life & move forward,sooner rather than later! xx

He's a user who love bombed you.

He uses women, he was two weeks on from another woman he took a huge loan from when he latched onto you.

What is all his debt from?

He was living with his parents, working a shop salesman job, playing footie and spending any money he had on drinking all weekend.

I can imagine all the reasons his marriage broke down.

He sounds like a dead beat Dad too.

He let you pay for everything and pushed to move in with you within weeks.

You ignored all that. You said yourself that it was overcome for you because he's good-looking with a good body, charming etc.

Sorry to be so blunt but it sounds like you dismissed all that due to sexual attraction (and being flattered by the love bombing). As someone already said, you got yourself a gigolo.

I would write off the paying for him etc with that mindset; he provided some services for your money & accommodation... Company, nice sex, the use of his great body.

Chalk it up to experience and develop some stoicism and a sense of humour about it.

You've found out that this gigolo is a cheater now. It is massive mistake to keep trying with him after you found that out, as well as the fact ot just confirms the whole thing was a love bombing con from his side.
Gigolos who act disrespectfully, rudely and almost cruelly are also not worth "employment". So, he's not even good at what he does as a cock lodger & gigolo (to shitty a person to keep up being live for long).

I'm sure he liked you to some extent too, but this sort of guy is not relationship material and ultimately treats women poorly.

No doubt he treated the mother of his kids poorly, and continues to.

I'd doubt the women he was shagging while seeing you and pushing to move on with you, knew he was in a relationship and cohabiting, or trying to.

He's a shit father, be glad you're not his unfortunate ex with kids by him.

He's a basic bitch.

He's selfish.

He can't manage money.

He lives off women, is there anything more pathetic in a man.

*too shitty a person to keep up being nice for long).

In summary, I think you let your fanjo .. and desire for attention & 'love" .... lead you around by the nose.

I wouldn't do that again, unless you can keep emotion out if it and see it as a transaction that you end if and when the man acts disrespectfully.

(Bear in mind you may not know about any disrespect - like the cheating and std risk he subjected you too - until after the fact, if you find out about it at all).

Not many people, especially women, can do that so ...

Sadly there are a lot of men like this. The last 2 men I've met have been broke, wasters, users! Men who can't afford to take a woman out have no business dating.
I recently met someone who sounded good he said I'm self employed and have a car so can meet you anytime.
He booked a hotel near by so we could go for a drink. It turns out he's 45, lives at home, very occasionally does delevaroo but only on odd days. 2 weeks after meeting he asked if he could borrow £30 for petrol I said no. Been caught out before. 12 days he ghosted me then came back with a new tattoo! He said he had fallen out with his mum, messaged me for a couple of days ended up staying in a hotel overnight paid for by me, then gone ghost again.
Lesson learned not to entertain broke men again.

but I struggle with how somebody can maintain such an act of pretending to genuinely love somebody for five years

But he didn't maintain it; when did the rude, cavalier, selfish, neglectful incidents start?

I've been caught out by a good looking guy with.a great body too..
He gave me chlamydia and blocked me. I kept him around because I was lonely and enjoyed the sex. Now I can see him for the dirty git he is

Letting him move in after a year was your mistake. Ask yourself this, if you had put your foot down and said absolutely no living together for at least 5 years would he have respected your wishes and waited happily because he loved you or would he have been out looking for another woman to sponge off when he realised you weren't going to give in.

Don't even think about dating until you have had some serious therapy. Never mind trying to figure him out with your therapist, figure out why you were so desperate you put up with it for five years, that even now you would take him back if he would have you. Your bar is so low its heading for middle earth and you are still digging. It is so so so depressing the amount of truly desperate women out there, women so desperate for a man, any man they will literally pay for one and they aren't even nice ! it beggars belief

He was, always was, a freeloader. I don’t think it helps that women are socialised to think ‘money doesn’t matter’ in the face of apparent love and an (ironically) surface ‘niceness’ that requires little effort; and ever making an issue of it is a sign of shallowness. Is it the only important thing? No. Is it important? Yes. Unfortunately this attitudes leaves a lot of women open to freeloaders, and making excuses for freeloaders, because that’s seemingly preferable to being called ‘shallow’.

Writing it down was eye opening. In black and white it is horrifying.

I wouldn’t take him back. I miss who I thought he was. I did try to end it a few times early days but he persisted! Covid hit and I went with it. The problems then started with my son and my focus has been on him . The relationship just rolled in the background .

I have just found out, five weeks since we officially separated, he moved in with his new partner last week. And so it continues. You were all 100% correct!

Oh OP, I missed your previous thread but I'm so glad to hear that, just because that means you are truly rid of him.
Apologies if I missed it in your replies, but will you be continuing therapy? You sound like a decent and caring person, which is why it's so confusing you'd consider this man decent at any point when he was obviously a deadbeat dad, and you need support on figuring that out. How is your son doing now? You've been through a lot.

Yep these cocklodging pricks follow the same repeat pattern.

You’re well rid - just pity the poor foolish victim that he’s now got his feet under the table with.

There’s no one falls in love quicker than a man who needs a place to live

Thank you so much. My son is struggling but one day at a time. Thank you for your support. It means a lot x

I’m glad you are free of this parasite now, OP.

He may well ‘realise you were the love of his life’ if his next provider is less patient than you. But you won’t fall for it again, will you? Especially as he has hurt your (and his own) DC by stringing them along and then abandoning them.

There’s no shame in having a generous, loving heart, OP. You’re not a fool, just too kind. I wish you and DC a happy future.