I'm done

[Josietheboymum]

Need advice if I'm being unreasonable.
So been in this relationship 17 years. Partner has never been able to hold down a job. We have 3 boys. I've always worked , except during COVID due to taking a career break. I pay all the bills, take the kids and do fun stuff. At this point its like living with a extra kid. He has sleep apnea, which affects my sleep. He is so overweight, can barely walk, which has a effect on us all.

Would I be unreasonable to ask for a break for him to sort himself out? I don't feel attracted to him at all. I don't feel he is a good dad as everything is left to me. He is a great babysitter, it you are ok with the kids barley being watched, encouraged to play or make it outside. I've no family near which is hard for me.

I’d just end it, a ‘break’ muddies the waters.

Break is not going to solve anything. Just end it as it's not like he is contributing anyway (you can pay for a babysitter).

I would also suggest you end it rather than just have a break.

Whose kids is he babysitting? His? Oh boy…

I think your all right so far. It's hard tho, it's like the biggest bandaid to pull tho. I think he knows deep down it's coming. It's the kids I feel sorry for, I don't know how it will effect them. All 3 are on the spectrum. I live over a HR away from my family so I know it will be hard at the start.

Agree. A break is usually the death knell for most relationships. If this who he is then a break won’t fundamentally change him, but will likely make him worse even if you did get back together by either making him spiteful/resentful, insecure in your relationship, or respect you even less because you just keep taking him back no matter how shitty he is.
You really need to decide whether your relationship is over and have a proper research into what that would look like financially for you. Would he be a good co-parent? Would parenting be easier or harder? Could you afford to stay where you are? Could you afford extra childcare costs if he doesn’t step up? Are you prepared for your lifestyle to have to change?

Yeah his own kids.

Isn’t that parenting, not babysitting?

I pay for absolutely everything. His benefit he gets is just his. I work 2 jobs to make ends meet. I have the kids at a child minder 2 days a week so I know they are getting out and socialising while I'm at work. I do all the housework bar the kitchen as he will only do dishes. He will cook but they way he likes to cook. Mostly it's takeout he is after.

So today you’re a single mother of four. Tomorrow you could be a single mother of three.

His style of parenting is to leave them watching tablets all day whilst feeding them junk food.

Let me guess…who paid for the tablets and junk food?

Look, I’m all for having a SAHP, in fact I used to be a SAHM. But that involved me doing the school runs, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, ironing, cleaning, kids’ clothes shopping, school volunteering, and school admin (booking parents’ evening appointments, replying to school emails, filling in reading journals, packing lunches, packing PE kit on the correct day, packing homework on the correct day, etc).

If your partner isn’t earning money outside the home, and isn’t doing all of the SAHP duties, they’re a dead weight. No way should one person be doing all of the earning and all of the household tasks/admin. Get rid.

Oh gosh, just leave. It’s not that he brings anything to yours or your kid’s lives. I mean he doesn’t even financially contribute - how on earth did that come about?

In fact what does he add to all your lives? 🤔

He had never been able to hold down a full time job. This past 2 years he hasn't worked at all. Now he is wanting to go on ESA, but has yet to complete the questionnaire. I do remind him but may as well say it to the wall. I refuse to do it for him. His mum is quite similar and lazy like him.

Tbh I’m not sure how you stuck it for 17 years! You must feel like his Mother.

Your right, he is a dead weight. He doesn't contribute to anything to do with the kids or housework. He can't even walk to the local shop.

Then what are you waiting for?
If you own the home jointly do look into whether you can afford to buy him out. Being able to afford the monthly payment isn’t the same as being able to remortgage to buy him out. Also remember that when he has the kids for whole days and maybe even weeks at a time then you will have to accept they may be exposed to MORE rather than less of his shitty parenting. That’s not to say that when he has to get a full time job he’ll be as keen to have them regularly. He might not and many useless parents soon realise they can’t cope with the kids alone. But you just don’t know.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you shouldn’t LTB. He’s sounds crap, and I would personally. But just do it eyes wide open to the other things that separation when you have kids entails, like having to alternate Christmas mornings with the children etc. It will be hard, but a short and sharp pain and easier than living this way forever more.

The point is he is only there “sitting” henint parenting . That is what OP says

Are you married or is he living with you rent free? I can't see from what you have written that he brings anything to your relationship, or enhances your life in any way. I would send him to his Mum's whilst you sort out the details of parting ways. You don't have to live like this and lm sure will feel much happier when you are free from this dead weight.

You are going to end up being his unpaid nurse if you stay.

He is a complete and utter loser. Why on earth did you ever get involved with him?

Op, my god, think of the example he his setting your kids. It's fucking tragic. He has got to go now so you can try and undo the damage that's been caused.

What benefit is he claiming atm OP? If you kick him out would you then be able to claim UC to the benefit of you and the kids?

@Josietheboymum where did you find him ? And why did you have 3 kids with such a lazy man ? I’m sure you saw his laziness after the first kid ?

Please don't let your kids see this as an example of adulthood. You clearly want the best for them. It's not in their best interests to be raised in a home where mum does everything whilst dad sits in his arse. They'll replicate that type of relationship when they're adults.