Do you judge divorced & single parents

[Greenyorks]

I need some support and encouragement.
I've been divorced for 3 years. DD1 in primary school who is happy and thriving. Plenty of friends and her class is friendly with lots of class parties. We moved to a new school two years ago. We've had a handful of playdates but I have not instigated or reciprocated much as honestly I feel embarrassed to have to explain my situation to anyone (strictly I am co-parenting as her dad is very involved). I know I am failing my DD in this respect. Lots of the school parents assume we are together, they would have no reason to know otherwise. Few of the mums I chat to ask me about my husband. I've corrected a couple of them and told them we are not together.

I feel like a failure generally and too embarrassed to talk openly about my situation. Last week my DD was invited to a playdate after school and we went to her friends house. The mum naturally struck up a conversation about work and asked me what me and my husband do for work. I had to correct her and told her that we are not together. The conversation flowed easily but I felt self conscious and I realised I have a lot of hang ups about my situation which I have struggled immensely with. Doesn't help that it's a small school and no other single parents in her class.

I know I shouldn't care what other people think, that single parents are very common and personally I do not judge single parents at all, but I can't help but feel ashamed about failing my marriage, like I'm a sad charity case and my DD is different to everyone else. My emotions are so numbed to everything now I feel nothing else but a total failure day and night. I know I'm failing my DD and need to woman up.

Absolutely not.
Not just for that anyway.. if I judge someone it would be for the exact context.
But just being a single parent? No of course not.
It's just luck quite often honestly..
When I think of the absolute pieces of shit who could've knocked me up over the years... when I think of the scum who I was in love with who I'd have probably tried to parent a child with had I fallen pregnant...
I would never judge anyone.
I'm extremely lucky that I've had 3 children with my husband who is a wonderful man and who I love.
Two of my children with him were contraception failures...
I thank God every day that my contraception failed with him and not any of my exs.

We aren't in as much control as we pretend to ourselves...
Anything can happen in life. You make the best choices you can at the time.
Sometimes things don't work out how you wanted.
I'd never think someone 'failed' just because they got divorced or weren't together with the father of their children any more.
I'd only judge someone for things that were within their own control..
And I don't think keeping a relationship going always is.
I know from personal experience that men who seem lovely, great on paper.. can end up treating you horrendously. And that you cab do everything right and still have it all fall apart.

Also I want to mention that my parents never divorced and I really wish they had because their relationship was so toxic and I grew up around constant conflict..
It sounds like even tho you have broken up with your child's dad you still Co parent well.
That is so much better than growing up watching unhappy parents made miserable by each other, just clinging together out of Co dependancy.
You haven't failed your child at all.

I am a solo parent. My child is in reception and I have never been made to feel uncomfortable, or perhaps I am happy with my choices so it didn’t occur to me. I grew up with divorced parents and by the time I was at secondary school knew people in all sorts of family set ups. I have had a couple of people asking if I have a partner/about her father, but when I give the short explanation they are fine.

In the gentlest possible way, this sounds like a you problem. You need to reframe your situation so you can stop feeling as if you have failed. I know that I was much happier growing up with divorced parents than parents who were unhappy together, and I saw friends whose parents argued a lot which made for unhappy homes.

I have no idea why your marriage did not succeed, but you have a child who is happy and thriving - that’s fantastic! You are managing to co-parent - also an achievement! You need to retrain your mind to think about your situation positively, then you’ll have the confidence to cope with questions.

You haven't failed in your marriage. A marriage is just a relationship and sometimes they don't work out. It's a really positive thing that you're happily co parenting. I honestly don't think people care that much.

I don't judge and in fact your coparenting situation sounds very healthy and positive for your DD, so you have absolutely not failed her.

You should be pleased you guys have put her first and can coparent effectively as you do.

I can tell you that a lot of separated parents would love to coparent as you do.
Lots of marriages end in divorce. Its nothing to be ashamed of or to see yourself as a failure for.

Keep doing what you're doing.

It's seems the norm these days so it would be weird to judge

I think you’re really overestimating how much anyone will think about this at all. No one will care.

I think you need to work on how you view it yourself.

Tbh I think you could benefit from therapy to resolve some of your perceptions around your marriage ending.

I’m a single mum, who is “co-parenting” (superficially amicable but I actually do 80 percent of the parenting and the minute I don’t have to deal with my ex again, I won’t).

I haven’t had any negative responses to being a single parent, if anything people seem quicker to offer a hand or do nice things.

I have so much admiration for people who can manage to co parent well post separation. Not even really judgment for those that can’t particularly if it’s because one partner was very unreasonable.

I have a lot more judgments of couples who stay together but are horrible and toxic and screw up their kids pretending it’s because it’s “for the kids”

I don't spend time thinking of other parents' relationships.

Exactly, no-one gives a single flying fuck about marital status.

Wouldn’t even occur to me. If anything I’d be impressed you coparent so well, but that would be a fleeting thought and your relationship status wouldn’t cross my mind again. Maybe some therapy would help you work through the shame you seem to have though

No I don’t, but it sounds like you do OP, you certainly think someone in your situation should be embarrassed by it.

I

Most people live in the real world and understand how difficult men, relationships and marriage can be.

So no it don't judge single mothers/fathers/parents. Most people I know are single parents. I have no impact on how I interact with them at all.

I wonder why you have developed this insecurity during a this day and age where family come in many different shapes.

You need to get some counselling to help you deal with your own feelings about this. As you have discovered, no one else is judging you, only you.

Every one of these mums has a close friend, colleague or relative who is also separated or divorced. Some of them are too - you just don't know it.

Honestly no one cares - they only care about getting to know you and if you are a kind and friendly person. So please start to reciprocate these play date invitations.

If you find it hard to explain , practice one paragraph and memorise.

Eg Actually Sophie’s dad and I are divorced / separated /no longer together. Fortunately it’s amicable and she stays at his every other weekend so its all fine. Anyway what are you doing this weekend / how is Emma enjoying her dancing classes / whatever / ?

Or whatever else works for you. I promise you, no one wants to know more than that.

Nope it doesn't even cross my mind too.
Around here so many families are one parent, blended families,living with other family member that iys not seen as unusual. Just because their aren't any other single parents in your dd's class doesn't mean that ut isn't a common factor to the parents so please don't feel judged.
As an aside I didn't often have friends to play and I was so envious of my friends who did. Please let uour dd have lots of play dates .

Nope. I don't judge them at all.

Even before I was divorced and a single parent.

Now I am and it's tough.

In the gentlest possible way, this sounds like a you problem. You need to reframe your situation so you can stop feeling as if you have failed

I agree. I can tell you that I couldnt give a toss if one of the parents at my child's school is single or divorced. It's none of my business and it's very common anyway- I wouldnt think anything about it whatsoever. I promise you that people arent thinking about this at all- this is you thinking that they are.

When my eldest was in year 2 there were afaik 2 single parents in my DC class. We're at end of primary now and there's at least 5 seperated families in that class. Some I know are definitely still together, but others I don't well enough to know either way. Of the 9 other mum's I still know from baby groups for my 3 DC, the majority are divorced or separated, 3 are still together. I'm in the process of divorcing DC abusive Dad, but that's recent and it hasn't changed how I feel. Marriage isn't a badge of success and divorce isn't a measure of failure. They're just where some relationships end up. I haven't gone out of my way to tell anyone that isn't family or close friends that we're divorcing. If it comes up in conversation I'll individually tell the people Im talking to, Im not hiding it but I don't particularly want to talk about it to everyone. I think shoe horning it into a conversation would feel strange. Relationship status doesn't define anyone,.

No I would never judge

No judgement whatsoever for your marital situation. I would however be a little annoyed for no reciprocal play date!

My son is in reception too, and definitely the majority of parents are still together. I've never felt judged though, I purposely let everyone know after one parent made an assumption and obviously felt mortified afterwards.
(Not some big announcement, just "he's supposed to be with his dad but I'll see if we can swap things around" in response to an invitation on the class chat)

Judging by the vibe at the school gate when I get to go, the younger mums get judged more than I do, despite being a nuclear family.

The only time I have, has been out of concern and hoping that they would separate!

No-one is going to judge you for this.
Literally no-one.
It's not the 1950s anymore.
Have your DD's friends round. DD will be so happy about it. Her friends aren't going to even think about it when they're round. And the parents aren't going to judge, they will just be pleased that their kid has been invited on a playdate.
Be proud of yourself and of what you're achieving as a single parent with a co-parenting arrangement that's working out.
You're winning!

When I was married, I would envy the single parents, because it was all out there. Not everyone who is married is happily married and many people have a facade that they work very hard to maintain, as I did back then.

It’s important to remain connected to people because there is always something you can find in common and married people aren’t all the same. If you talk to someone who is married but who has depression or a child with a disability, they can also feel very alone as well and benefit from talking to others with a similar experience regardless of marital status.