Do you judge divorced & single parents

[Greenyorks]

I need some support and encouragement.
I've been divorced for 3 years. DD1 in primary school who is happy and thriving. Plenty of friends and her class is friendly with lots of class parties. We moved to a new school two years ago. We've had a handful of playdates but I have not instigated or reciprocated much as honestly I feel embarrassed to have to explain my situation to anyone (strictly I am co-parenting as her dad is very involved). I know I am failing my DD in this respect. Lots of the school parents assume we are together, they would have no reason to know otherwise. Few of the mums I chat to ask me about my husband. I've corrected a couple of them and told them we are not together.

I feel like a failure generally and too embarrassed to talk openly about my situation. Last week my DD was invited to a playdate after school and we went to her friends house. The mum naturally struck up a conversation about work and asked me what me and my husband do for work. I had to correct her and told her that we are not together. The conversation flowed easily but I felt self conscious and I realised I have a lot of hang ups about my situation which I have struggled immensely with. Doesn't help that it's a small school and no other single parents in her class.

I know I shouldn't care what other people think, that single parents are very common and personally I do not judge single parents at all, but I can't help but feel ashamed about failing my marriage, like I'm a sad charity case and my DD is different to everyone else. My emotions are so numbed to everything now I feel nothing else but a total failure day and night. I know I'm failing my DD and need to woman up.

Also, I would envy you if I knew you, not judge you.
I'd love to be a single parent and then co-parent with my DC's father.
Unfortunately for me I'm stuck with living with an angry, snappy, irritable, shouting, unfocussed, hopeless at doing anything, emotionally unsupportive and physically tiny (much smaller than me) little raging child man. My God I made a mistake marrying him, I literally cannot stand him, and I would only look at you and think "You're so lucky".

No I don't judge them.

Of course not! Why would I judge anyone who is doing the hardest job in the world by themselves?

Whether it is because a marriage fell apart or because one partner could no longer cope with the other's playing away, drunkenness, gambling, drug taking or abuse is irrelevant. Whether a man simply did a moonlight flit when faced with a pregnancy, it doesn't matter. The parent who stayed is loving, hardworking, responsible, selfless and decent. What is there to judge?

I'm a single mum. DS & I left my ex. He started belittling me and treating me with contempt the day after ds was born. Still in the maternity unit. I spent 2 years trying to sort it out but in the end, it wasn't healthy to stay.

I've provided ds with a home in a nice area, endless love, care, support. I've done every school run, every appt for 16 years. I've worked full time all the way through, ensured ds didn't miss out on anything - school trips, friends, hobbies. I taught him to swim, to ride a bike. He's waiting for GCSE results now. On track for good grades. He's happy, healthy, kind, well balanced, well educated. He's taking his pool life guard course this holiday. just started his black belt in karate.

I'm exhausted 😀 but I'm so proud of him, of how he has turned out.

Why would I be embarrassed? I want to sing his praises from the roof tops.

Honestly OP, if your child is happy, secure and loved, then you are doing a brilliant job. Why would you give a toss what anyone else thinks? How are their views relevant? The decisions you have taken, were no doubt for the right reasons.

Pick up the phone and organise some play dates xx

Some of the school parents will be struggling with parenting or childcare arrangements and will be in awe that you’re doing it solo.
Some of them will be in unhappy relationships and will be in awe that you’ve been brave enough to step away from something that wasn’t working/not get tied into the wrong relationship.
The odd one will judge you, but they’ll be a person who judges everyone and everything, so if it wasn’t that you’re a single parent it would be something else. They’re not worth a second thought.
Most of them won’t even give your situation a thought as they’re too busy with the chaos of every day life.
As others have said, try to work through your judgement of yourself partly for your daughter’s sake, but also for your own. Give you and your daughter the freedom to enjoy life and all its opportunities, you deserve it!

It sounds to me like you're actually the one judging yourself in a negative way, not the other parents.

literally nobody cares

People who judge this are the wrong kind of people. It's not on you. I'd also be surprised if people did judge because it's so normal now.

It shows character and strength to have separated and got through it. So many people stay unhappy for one reason or another.

You should be proud of yourself. I think you need to take some time to accept what's happened and that it's not a smear on you at all.

We were truly judged in the early 90s. My H shagged around, left me for my wealthy friend when my dad's will revealed no money, plunged me and 3 under 8s into absolute poverty (I got us back out) but I was judged far far more than he ever was.

The imbalance in life is still there. I never fully recovered financially.

Wouldn’t judge you in the slightest. If anything I’d be a little in awe as I reckon being a parent can be tricky when there’s two of you and to do it solo is really impressive.

I don't think marriages are failed, they are just ended. Some have a long span and others shorter. I wouldn't judge you at all.

We've had a handful of playdates but I have not instigated or reciprocated much as honestly I feel embarrassed to have to explain my situation to anyone (strictly I am co-parenting as her dad is very involved)

I honestly think you're massively overestimating how much people will care about this. You're not in an unusual situation at all.

I certainly wouldn't judge a single parent for the fact they were a single parent.

I would judge a parent father who wriggled out of their responsibilities to their children following a relationship breakdown.

Being honest, I'd also judge a parent, mother or father, who forced their children into a blended situation which was very obbiously detrimental to them.

But neither of those situations apply here, so no judgement from me.

oh come on this is 2024. Families take all shapes and sizes and guises now. It’s hardly unusual to be in your situation.

you should be proud you have the minerals to lead the life you are

im recently single with two teens and am immensely enjoying living my best life without the ball and chain whilst my friends moan about their other halves

i think many couples should not be together and they are putting on a show for the outside world whilst secretly resenting their partners.

many women have stared at me with their eyes agog and told me they are keen to split up too.

I really think you should put your shoulders back and be proud and stop being paranoid. People might be judging you but not in the way you think.

I find it very hard to believe that no one else in DD’s class is a single parent. That would be highly unusual if true.

You poor pet. Sounds like you are processing and adjusting still.
I also think you are overthinking.
All of my children had friends with single parents for various reasons.
I admired them all and certainly never thought to judge them.
Perhaps a little counselling would help you through this time.
All most parents want is a lovely kind friend for their child and banal chat with other parents.
One nice mum in my daughters class has a classmate whose twatty father had an affair with a colleague and walked out on them.
I made an effort with her afterwards and happily blanked the twat going forward.

Oh love, you're being so hard on yourself. You haven't failed. At all. I haven't ever judged (and nor would it occur to me to ever judge) anyone who's a single parent, or divorced. As a PP mentioned above, I honestly think it is mostly down to luck. Your DD sounds like she's thriving and that is to your absolute credit ♥️

Some of them will be in unhappy relationships and will be in awe that you’ve been brave enough to step away from something that wasn’t working/not get tied into the wrong relationship.

This

It wouldn't enter my head to judge someone for being separated from their child's other parent. Not for one second.

I didn't expect judgement per se, but I was pleasantly surprised as my DC progressed through the years at school that the other parents expressed admiration and kindness.

No.

But I have been one for 20 years!

I've been explaining my situation being a single mum since my son was born and I am used to it now, now I feel proud that I am doing everything myself (he's a toddler) whereas I felt like the weirdo odd one out during my mat leave. Tbh everyone is so nice to me and so supportive that I don't feel shame at all.

No not at all. We have no idea why someone is a solo parent or divorced so it makes no sense to judge them. I do understand why you worry though. I think we're taught that we should be perfect as mothers and that involves a certain family situation. But I haven't met anyone who is judgy about it.

If its a small school you'll meet lots of parents who are the only one in x situation.

I know this is an old thread, but I just discovered it now as I am feeling the same way. I feel like my house is somehow not a home in the same way as other people's is. I feel generally quite stressed and down, and it's like I feel that other people (even kids!) can stress this. I'm not keeping on top of house stuff as easily in my own. Plus I am completely skint paying for this giant mortgage alone, and I can't afford to fix stuff around the house. Since becoming single, I am also no longer being invited to many couples-and-kids drinks. And I am not hosting them, as my homelife just feels too chaotic/tatty. And I think it's all that stuff rather than feeling judged as a separated and single parent in and if itself . Anyway, I hope things are going better for you now!

Great post!

I was with a man who was wonderful on paper, he has since screwed me over in every imaginable way, it's been extremely traumatic.

I sometimes feel judged as most people don't know what happened and probably wouldn't believe it if they did.

I understand your feelings of shame and embarrassment op, even though, like you, I'd never judge anyone for that either. It's completely illogical.

You aren't failing your child, she'll look back and realise how strong you are and all that you've done.

Some of those couples will be cheating/unhappy and some will divorce further down the line. It's just life.

Sorry it's happened to you. Most people don't get how awful it can be until it happens to them. I include myself in that...