Relationship suddenly ended - is it forever ?

[Alicesst]

Hello all

I’ve been reading threads but can’t find anything quite the same is would so welcome any input or advice at all, I need my hand holding and don’t know where to turn.

Im 43, single mum to 14 and 11 year old girls, single handedly raised them, happy, positive, independent. A year go I met the man of my dreams. He has been pure perfection. Kind, gentlemanly, considerate, literally like the male version of me.

lately life has been stressful for us both, he has had 6
months of stressful work issues, bouncing between job offers, medical needs, he recently lost his mum and is. Spring father of three one gorgeous girl has additional needs and he has carried and dealt with like a legend. I have had to move house, change my job, get my daughters into full time education after home schooling them for two years, had one daughter diagnosed autistic and the other adhd, had my dog put to sleep, called 999 on three occasions - life has been a bit crazy.

Despite all this I have always thought we had the best relationship, he has talked bout moving in together, we booked. Holiday for Christmas, talked about retirement, his 50th - coming from him not me.

he took a 2 week holiday to visit family, came back on the Saturday and sent me a text on the Wednesday ending the relationship

I am stunned/shocked/saddnened to the core. I thought he was the ‘one’. He has said he was having doubts for a while (though messaging me up to 35 times a day with very loving messages, telling me I’m his world, his future, so in love with me, can’t wait to see me etc) and that the distance between us geographically was too much (hasn’t been a problem until now - we’re almost an hour away but we’ve still had a blissful year ?)

what do I think/do? Supposed to be seeing him on Sunday to try and process it but I’m literally a walking ghost of myself. I can’t eat or sleep and do not have a clue what has happened. Not sure if i should hate him or worried that he’s having some type of mid life crisis

I wish there was a mutual friend to ask.

any advice ladies ? I’m shocked to the core

35 texts a day is classic love bombing and a ridiculous amount. Maybe he was trying to convince himself as well as you.

Why meet him? What will it achieve.

Your best chance of getting him back is to give him the space he wants. Don't chase him. But I'd say bye and move on.

Unfortunately if he is saying it is over you have no choice but to accept that. It makes me wonder what happened when he was away, for such a sudden about turn just after he got back.

Don't meet him. You won't be able to change his mind by meeting him. Just keep away, and give him the space he wants. Don't chase.

Honestly?? I think you’re been love bombed and now he’s either bored and at the discard phase or he’s met someone else. The distance is nothing so that’s a lazy excuse.

The words you use about him sound like a love sick teenager rather than a mature mother. Its Disney romance language rather than real life. And 35 messages a day is ridiculous for a grown man on holiday imo.

If you think meeting him will give you closure then go but personally I wouldn’t want to see him.

Thank you @BirthdayRainbow for you opinion I really do value it, we have messaged each other every that amount since we met o it’s nothing unusual

Thank you all. I most certainly won’t chase him I just want to understand what and why after a perfect year. I have enough self worth thankfully

He could have been future faking? Although my first thought was that something happened while he was away. How are his family about your relationship?

Unfortunately getting in touch will only push him away if he needs space.

He suggested meeting up not me, I don’t know the reaction from his family but I’m guessing they will be shocked. I thought I would see him first before contacting family to say goodbye

I think it's suspicious that he ended it with you after coming back from a holiday.

It's quite likely that he's met someone else.

The other possibility is that he was love bombing you to hook you in, and has now got bored.

I do not think, sadly, that it'll be worth meeting him. You won't be able to change his mind.

Thanks or on your replies I really appreciate it. I haven’t asked abound wanting him back - I don’t want to be with bone that doesn’t value me. I’m heartbroken but I’m trying to understand ‘why’

Another vote to not meet up. It won't change anything and will just be really painful. No decent man ends a relationship by text, - and arranging a meet up after is just a way to deflect guilt.

This won’t be popular but I think you should meet up. A text and lots of questions won’t give you the closure you need. He needs to explain what the hell happened so you can move on. And him proving he’s an asshike to you will also give you closure.

Thirty-five messages in one day is a massive red flag op I’m sorry. Imho it’s over forever.

Your choice but I wouldn’t meet with him. I would totally block him. I doubt he will tell you the truth and I doubt the meeting will give you the explanations you are seeking.

I suspect he does this often. It’s about control.

Protect yourself op 💐

And I’m sorry this happened. I had my heart smashed to pieces last autumn after 3.5 years together. It was the lowest I’ve ever been but am through it now getting stronger and wiser. The pain will go away and better things will come and take it’s place

Why has he asked to see you if he has ended it ? Or did you ask to see him ? And how cowardly to end it with you by text - was you not even worth a phone call at least
how is seeing him going to help you process anything? In fact it’s going to devastate you- seeing the man you obviously love knowing he doesn’t want you and it will be the last time you see him as your partner
you are only going because you think there may be a chance of changing his mind
stop being nice , tell him you are worth more than a crappy text ending what you had after being so close and for so long and after discussing your future and ask what seeing him is going to achieve? He probably thinks if he says jump you will ask how high
if you were me I would have told him exactly what I thought of him. Sorry at his age that’s shameful.
it’s painful. I’ve been in this situation. You can feel so unwanted - but there is nothing wrong with you and sounds like there is everything wrong with him behaving like that is weak immature and nasty
and food for thought - when a relationship is that intense in the beginning it will always fizzle out as No relationship can be that intense forever so hold back on all that next time

So he's either mentally screwed up, he ungenuine, or he's met someone else.
A mixture?
I see how you want to understand, anyone would, but I don't think meeting up will help, he'll just want to validate his decision and want you to say you understand.
Like the song (doesn't) say: It's all about him

@Alicesst There is no 'why' other than that he's not that into you, at least, he isn't now. But sometimes men really don't know what their feelings are. I had a boyfriend who announced after 6 months that he didn't want to marry me - I said fine (because I didn't want to marry him either) - and suggested we carried on dating until one of us met someone else, because it was otherwise a fun relationship. Then I met someone else, told him I was off, and then he wanted to marry me (no chance).

Thank you all, I most certainly don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t appreciate me I’m just curious as to how to process the sudden change. A year of happiness/ perfection to a text. Should I be concerned if his mental health or has he completely fooled me ?

Sometimes people just change their mind. It doesn’t have to be “love bombing”, a mental health crisis or an affair, he may just no longer feel the way he did. The main thing is it’s not a reflection on you.

I wouldn’t bother meeting up. The relationship is over, nothing will change that, so why go through a painful meet up?

Just keep breathing, eating and sleeping and know that every day will get a little easier. Keep a routine. Stay distracted.

He’s not “the one” if he doesn’t feel the same.

I'm so sorry. It’s the worst feeling.

I’m mean and petty, so I would agree to meet and then just not turn up. You dump me, you’re dead to me now.

It all sounds like far too much, too soon, in the context of teenage children with additional needs, new diagnoses, parental deaths, house moves, job moves, moving homeschooled kids back to school, emergencies etc etc. And a year in, on top of all this, you’re booking holidays months ahead and talking about moving in together — it just seems to me that many long-established, committed relationships that aren’t LD would have crumbled under this amount of stress.

He lost interest. Happens a lot. Just move on. Blended situations rarely work anyway. I’d breathe a sigh of relief

Don't bother meeting him. I'd not contact him ever again.

Him suddenly ending things after coming back from holiday is suspicious. Either he's met someone or shagged someone on holiday or someone in his family has got in his ear and for whatever reason he's been swayed by it.

Or maybe the fact that he's spent half of your relationship stressed and intense and having shit happen has got to him and getting away for two weeks made him realise it. Who really knows.

What are you hoping to accomplish by meeting him? I think there's little to be said by someone callous enough to dump you via text.

Don't go there. I was with an ex for a year and he turned up out the blue on my door step and dumped me. I was so baffled, couldn't let it go. I talked to him and eventually begged / pleaded with him to get back together. After a short while we did.

And then I couldn't help probing why, what had gone wrong (so I could ensure it didn't happen again). Eventually he gave a reason and I fixated on being the person who was not that. I tried to change myself. It drove me insane and I nearly lost my sanity.