Is he gambling our lives away?

[Badgertime]

I don't really know where to post this.

Married H about 15 years ago where he had a good job in software development in London.
We had 3 children ( youngest now 10) and things just didn't work out. I was sahm and bringing up the 3 kids but had constant criticism and silent treatment for days.

Anyway....I moved away a few years later as I'd had enough of walking on eggshells and being treated like a doormat. I left him in the family home as he wouldn't go and set up a new life with the kids near my mum.
I tried to start a divorce but he pulled out of mediation at the last moment and it just got stressful so I never went ahead as I couldn't really afford it.
I retrained and started working asap with kids now starting nursery and school and I've worked ever since.

He also had a house in the North which sold for around £160K mortgage free a year or so later. I never saw a penny but thought 'well he had that before we married so it wasn't really mine'.
He gave up his job in London and started working from home but I am not sure whether it was doing the markets or not.

Last year he told me he could no longer afford to pay maintenance for the kids and couldn't pay his mortgage. He was selling up.

So stupidly I let him move into a new place we were moving to (I sold my mortgaged property and bought a share in another area). It's all in my name.
I told him he needed to get a job and he promised to get a car and drive (he can drive but hasn't bothered for a few years).

He didn't bother getting a job but started day trading. Set up his room downstairs with lots of monitors ect and literally sits in the there day and night. He hardly comes out of his room, does nothing with the kids and no housework.
I'm working 40 hours a week and doing everything around the house (apart from his washing that he does himself).

It was my birthday Sunday and he didn't say a word to me all day and stayed in his room. He's only just said hello to me today and quite frankly, he's making me mad.

I am worried about his day trading and his laziness. I'm worried he's going to waste the proceeds of the sale in London (around £350K) on day trading.

He did give me some when he sold. He gave me around 60K from the money to help pay the share off and some to invest myself but I'm worried that he might lose everything and then I'll have to bale him out in a few years.

I have no access to his bank accounts and have no idea what he's earning or losing on his trading even though he assures me it's all good.

I really need some advice and am thinking about going to see a solicitor but I need to know how bad this is really or if he really is making money or if it's likely he'll bring me and kids down with him if it fails.

A relative of mine is going through something similar with her DH and trading. I won’t go into too much detail. But let’s just say legal proceedings have begun on their property. It has turned into addiction.

From what you’ve said, he may have had to sell up because of accumulating debts.

You need to speak to solicitors and safeguard you and your children’s financial futures.

Thank you Rising. Glad I'm not the only one.
I hope your relative gets help too.

I hope so too. At the moment they are in a state of shock due to the realities of things. They had no idea.

On a seperate note, it seems the sooner he leaves your home the better. He’s not treating you well at all.

I was reading yesterday that only about 80-90 per cent of traders actually make instead of lose doing it and that scared me.

I meant 80-90 % lose from it sorry!

I feel like there are a lot of red flags for addiction here - it sounds like he’s staking more than he can afford, cutting off personal relationships and chasing losses. 🚩 🚩 🚩

Encourage him to seek help for it if you like, but most importantly do as much financial safeguarding for you and the kids as you can.

Run credit reports on your address and on both of your details so you have a clear picture, and set up alerts for if anyone tries to secure a loan on your house. https://propertyalert.landregistry.gov.uk/propertyalert/
Is any of the proceeds of the London sale yours? It needs to be in an account in your name as soon as possible (if it’s still there at all).

It’s possible that it’s already gone and he’s in debt. This sounds dramatic, but the reality of a gambling addiction is that addicts simply lose all perspective on the value of money and will stake whatever they’ve got, to get back what they lost. (Spoiler alert, it doesn’t work.)

Please talk to someone legal as soon as possible before he bleeds you dry any more. It sounds like your relationship has been over on an emotional level for a long time, which hopefully makes things less complicated in a way? If that makes sense?

I hope things go well for you

Thanks for your reply weredormouse.

I very much doubt he will go for help or even acknowledge he's has any problem. He's always right and very defensive and would probably just mock me for suggesting it.
He has alienated all his wider family (who still keep in contact with me kind of secretly as he doesn't like them doing so) and ignores any of their calls or texts. He literally has no friends that I know of and has excommunicated any he had years ago. Obviously as he doesn't go to work so has no workmates.

I keep a close eye on my own credit report but I don't know how I can access his if it's even possible. I have no financial details for him at all as we never shared bank accounts.
I lost any emotional connection to him years ago when he stopped talking to me for days on end and literally have no feelings for him. I would imagine he feels the same. However he does still have a hold ( can't explain) on my life and this I believe is because we never got properly divorced so I could never move on and still can't after all this time. I have a lot of resentment towards him tbh.

He slops around in his PJS all weekend and sits in his room without even coming out most days. He used to go running but that has stopped too.

Another thing that really annoys me is that he keeps his blinds shut all day and rarely opens his windows.

He doesn't seem to have depression to me (I've suffered myself many times) but just seems so lazy and self absorbed.

My girls don't really have any relationship with him and I feel really guilty they've never had a father who's ever taken and real interest in their lives. They are 12 and 14 now and he never says goodnight to them, talks to them (other than the odd 'hi' when he pops out of his room and never does anything with them.

Wow. That sounds heavy going.

My partner has stopped gambling, at least for now, and has agreed to regular checks, so I have access to all his financial stuff, as a deterrent, and because we have kids and a joint mortgage.

If your husband won’t even admit there’s a problem then that makes it harder.

You mention the lack of a proper divorce being something that’s keeping some sort of connection there… maybe worth more investigation? (sorry for saying the obvious. I sometimes need people to say the obvious to me!)

I don’t want to fall into the Mumsnet stereotype of LTB, but it sounds pretty clear cut. And you’d have more space in your life for nice things :)

This is beyond fucked up.

Kick the waster out and file for divorce.

Why would you accept living like this?

I’ve just read your last update.

Can you imagine living with your dad - but he doesn’t even engage with you?? It must be so so damaging.

You need to get the divorce ball rolling. If not for you then your daughters.

There’s one thing having a father who is absent physically. But to be there physically and still be so absent must be doing a number on them.

I say this with kindness.

FFS you're supposed to have separated. Why did you let him back into the new home and life you had created for you and your dcs.

He is already bringing you and your children down, emotionally (at their most vulnerable ages) and financially.

Kick him out and divorce him - you should have done that when you first moved.

You and the children moved out and left him in the family home because he refused to leave, he pulled out of mediation and made it so stressful you never got divorced. He then sells his first property and even though he had 160K in the bank he apparently couldn’t pay the mortgage on the family home. You let him move in with you even though you’re separated! He has placed you back in the same position you were in before you left, deliberately blocking you from moving on. It’s sounds like checkmate to me, nothing has changed and that’s how he wants it to stay.

He has basically followed you and moved in to the home you set up when you left him. He doesn’t want a divorce he wants life as it was and you’re enabling him even though he makes everyone walk on eggshells. He has manipulated you to take him back, you’re not separated.

If I've understood correctly, he's draining you of the financial settlement you should have had years ago, if you had divorced. It's time to draw a line and sever financial ties by divorcing, before he wastes the lot. As they say round here, get your ducks in a row and make sure you know where all the marital assets are (i.e. what he thinks of as his money). It might be cheaper than you think to divorce these days, with the no-fault law... Please get advice from a professional on the best way to proceed. However much a divorce costs you in legal fees, it has already cost you far more not to have divorced him already. You are losing far more money carrying on as you are.

(I appreciate he gave you the £60k, but you shouldn't be reliant on whatever scraps he sees fit to throw your way. You need a judge to assess the whole situation and work out what you are due, especially given your SAHM years).

There are a lot of blokes doing this- if it was betting on the horses all day somehow it would have more of a stigma -and yet it's just as risky - all very well if in the city and its 'other peoples cash ' - and you are being paid to do it

I think the attachment OP is partly because there isn't another bloke in your life and you were feeling a man shaped hole - it's nothing to do with this man in particular - however you could very easily be utterly ripped off here , so take action and file now

I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news @Badgertime but yes, he is.
He will not stop until everything is gone. I know people do not think it can happen to them but it does, I've seen a relative lose everything.
These trading platforms are rincing operations for ordinary punters.
Do you know what he is trading? Is it contract for difference? Pm me if you want.

Sorry, I didn't realise there were replies after I stopped looking at the thread.

I am now a couple if months into divorce proceedings which should be finalised in April.
He is moving out and is looking for his own place.

When finances were revealed his outgoing ls were 300. Mine were over 3000!
There are no earnings from his trading and I don't know what the losses were. He still earns 0 from income and will have no borrowing capacity.

The pure laziness ( he does 0 to help at home or with the kids) and his steadfast belief he will start making big afyer do many years of sitting at his DIY trading desk is beyond belief.

Roll on April.

You are doing the right thing.

@Badgertime so basically spending time spending money - as I said earlier he may as well have been sat there betting on the horses every day. There's a ton of these fantasists around I'm afraid- simply don't want work and want all their time to be there own but have a decent lifestyle- don't we all!! You are totally doing the right thing.

As you aren't divorced, is your house at risk? If he has no assets will you have to buy him out of your own home as it counts as a marital asset?

For a bit of background ...
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5112207-is-he-gambling-our-lives-away

So he has left today without saying goodbye to the girls. Cleared his room out and has left none of us with an address.

No idea where he's gone. Son says he's gone to another country (in UK) but hours and hours away.

Had done mediation and solicitor had drafted to MOU etc. He was due me 60K on move out date or by April.
Obviously agreement not yet signed off by court as not at conditional order stage.

With no address for him what do I do now?

Is it possible to finish divorce if I have no idea where he is?

Glad to see you got the ball rolling!
I am no expert - but my understanding is that you can proceed with the divorce process even if the other party is missing in action.

No idea on the legal front but urgh, sorry to hear he’s making it messier. Not like you needed the confirmation that you’re well shot of him. Hope you and the girls aren’t finding the emotional side too gruelling.

From what I've read you have no financial ties to this man and your essentially separated?

Tell him it's time to leave.

Where it's sad to see someone destroy their life it's not your problem.

Look after you and your children.