To feel lonely in a ‘happy’ marriage

[Shleepymummy]

Currently on Mat leave so not working (probs doesn’t help with loneliness), home all day everyday with baby and also toddler when he’s not at nursery. I look forward to husband coming home but when he is home, I still feel lonely. We get on fine, he helps with the kids during the evening. They both go down to bed around 7pm fairly easily and after that he just sits on his phone/does his exercise/or we watch tv ‘together’ but we’re just in the same vicinity, it’s not really quality time. I feel like if I wasn’t there, he wouldn’t notice. Then we go to bed, sometimes at 9pm because nothing else to do and even then, no cuddle, no talk, just on phone then rolls over and asleep within 2 minutes. The kids sleep all night so can’t use that an excuse. I’ve tried bringing it up, it never goes anywhere. I just want some more love and attention really. How do I handle this?

what have you said and how has he actually responded?

whats weekends like?

You need to tell him this

I see you've tried speaking to him, but I mean you need to be baldly honest about where you're at.

This is not a description of a happy marriage.

Organise a babysitter and go out for a date night to a nice restaurant.

What was it like last year, the year before, pre DC, when you were dating? What attracted you to him and him to you?

@lovetoshare81 i probably blame too much, ‘you never hug me or kiss me, don’t spend time with me’. It’s critical which doesn’t help, I know that. I need to rephrase it but I also think jeeeze why do I have to do it?! Why do I have to bring it up? Alongside doing everything else. The mental load is a lot (mum life!). So I guess I’m a bit angry too that he doesn’t make the effort, or start a convo.
@CyanideShake i will try again, I’m just a bit down about it all

what is your sex love like compared to pre kids?

it sounds like he has checked out of your marriage in a big way

Of course he would notice if you're not there! He's probably just tired.
Make your day interesting, go out and do stuff on your own or call friends and meet up with them or meet new people in baby classes and when he is home do an activity you both like, maybe exercise together or do some game. Plan things, days out, holidays. Your husband cannot fil your loneliness and boredom and it's a separatr issue to no quality time as a couple.

Parenthood with a baby and toddler can be draining. Even when they sleep through the night, it's still hard and exhausting. Some people are better at coping than others.

It's not like your husband is out every night going to the pub or the gym or having fun with friends. If that were the case, he'd be incredibly selfish. I actually suspect he may be feeling a bit depressed or burned out. This would explain why he's not actually doing anything fulfilling in the evenings.
What happens when you take a leading role, when you plan an activity for you to do together after the kids have gone to sleep? How does he respond when you get a babysitter and plan an evening away? Or are you waiting for him to take that initiative?

My husband and I will divide tasks. One of us does bath/bedtime while the other goes and gets our favourite takeout or cooks an adult meal that isn't catered to the taste of our picky children. Then after they've gone to sleep we have a meal with a glass of wine, play a boardgame, talk, pick a movie together and watch it with popcorn and dimmed lights, we take a bath together, ... Whatever. It's as good as it gets without being able to go out for a date.
We also take turns and plan weekends away. Last time I planned the whole thing, dates, location, hotel reservation, activities, meals, babysitting, ... Now it's my husbands turn to surprise me somewhere in the fall.
Al of those things have evolved because at some point one of us felt the distance between us was growing and we were feeling disconnected and lonely. It doesn't take a lot of effort to turn it around, but sometimes you have to be very clear with your expectations. Don't just ask or suggest. Tell him what you want/need.

sex life is average but it was before DC. I’d be happy with just more hugging, affection.
perhaps I’m confusing loneliness with wanting more attention from DH. I do go out and see friends, keep my days busy, young kids can be a little dull though, repetitive routine.
Could exercise together but I don’t think I have the energy for it! Maybe I need to try

I get you OP. You have a boring, un stimulating day, and then when you finally get some adult company he is looking at a toxic, addictive screen. Horrible.
This will improve once you are back at work, but you need to talk to your husband about his screen addiction. We are screen free around our kids, they are not allowed them so we don't use them neither in front of them. And it's rude. He should be talking to you.

He might be struggling with mental load of finances, maybe his job or commute is stressful, maybe he was rejected when he tried to touch you so is giving you space. Don't just jump to the worst most dramatic conclusion. The man is not here to present his view and some women develop post natal depression which skews their view. It's irresponsible and adding fuel to fire to say things like well its not a happy marriage and he checked out. Some posters seem on a mission to break up families at the slightest problem. Marriages are work, they are compromise.

Ironically working out will give you energy. Doing it together suppose to motivate you. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

@HcbSS I think you’ve hit nail on the head…..he’s the adult company I want after a day of baby and it’s disappointing/not what I want/not fulfilling.
I need to talk to him, but how do I bring it up without sounding critical/accusatory? And he’s naturally someone who doesn’t like to talk about this stuff, really doesn’t, he shuts down really quick even if I’m being really nice and gentle with it
if you asked him how things were, he would say yea great!
date nights we try and do but childcare is hard. Doing nice things at home would be cool, but again it’s now on me to work this out. Then I get frustrated

op what are weekends and holidays like?

@lovetoshare81 yea nice, we get out a lot cos of the kids, we share the childcare/meals/clean up, then come evening we will have a drink and watch tv. As a roommate/best mate it’s great. But I want more from my husband. I want to feel wanted, attractive, especially because I try to maintain who I am as a wife outside of just being ‘mum’

I would not pin all hope on work being tge solution, you might find you have even less energy and drift further apart. Work colleaguee get the best version and work crushes and affairs happen, coming home doubly tired and stressed, any time in the evening you're doing house chores. Work is also not for socialising, it's good to keep work colleagues professional. I suspect the good feeling to return to work is more due to routine and to less guilt about why the home is a mess and feeling like you have a real reason for saying you feel reason.

So it's about not relying on your husband to be your universe and to entertain you and about making effort and compromise in your marriage. I wish you well x

Are you going back to work?

Yes going back to work soon. It’s a tough sector so I know I’ll be tired when I get home
and have to deal with over tired children from nursery, I know it’s probably going to be harder for a bit, might make things worse.
if he could just give me a hug and a kiss, and talk to me (more than just basics) of a evening, that would be improvement enough!

In your scenario I would start planning things for you to do alone in the evenings (gym class, out with friends). Make it almost excessive, like more than you actually want. Dump the kids on him. Then when he asks why, tell him - well you are always on your phone and I need to speak to real people. He will soon change his tune.

Think he is bored of family life. Everyone gets like that at some point because family life is actually really dull and quite boring.

Kids ruin a lot of marriages unfortunately.

I think you both have different needs for your evenings, neither of you are wrong but maybe you just need to both communicate those needs and find a middle ground? I’m currently on maternity leave as well with a young baby and my husband is in the office working all day, it does mean that his “needs” when he gets home are different to mine. I’ve been looking forward to the adult company of him being home and want to chat whereas he has spent all day in the office talking to people and so when he comes home he just needs some quiet time to decompress and wind down after his day, neither of us are wrong, we just have very different days at the moment and so how we feel come 5pm is very different (I’ve got 8 hours worth of pointless chat to get out, he’s been chatting for 8 hours and wants peace)!

I would say for our relationship we have it pretty perfect (for us) in that he comes home and we have dinner and chat then we watch tv, scroll phones, play with baby together and do bath time and once we go up to bed that’s our “quality time” so no phones, talking, cuddles etc.

That said though we are both quite affectionate people in general so he will always come in and give me a kiss & cuddle

Don't expect your dp to take care of all your needs. Go out, see friends and family, volunteer, get a hobby. Meet friends at the gym. Happiness comes from within. When he sees you are able to make your own self happy he will find those traits desirable and he will want to spend more time with you.

And if he doesn't, it won't matter.

@Mrsttcno1 yes different needs perhaps. And also just different personalities I guess. I will ask to do no phones after kids go to bed but to be fair he isn’t really on it when home because the kids keep us busy 5.30-7.
He works alone/with one person so lots of office chat isn’t the problem! But i get he’s still tired and been out all day working.
I’ll try and ask for more affection without asking!