To feel lonely in a ‘happy’ marriage

[Shleepymummy]

Currently on Mat leave so not working (probs doesn’t help with loneliness), home all day everyday with baby and also toddler when he’s not at nursery. I look forward to husband coming home but when he is home, I still feel lonely. We get on fine, he helps with the kids during the evening. They both go down to bed around 7pm fairly easily and after that he just sits on his phone/does his exercise/or we watch tv ‘together’ but we’re just in the same vicinity, it’s not really quality time. I feel like if I wasn’t there, he wouldn’t notice. Then we go to bed, sometimes at 9pm because nothing else to do and even then, no cuddle, no talk, just on phone then rolls over and asleep within 2 minutes. The kids sleep all night so can’t use that an excuse. I’ve tried bringing it up, it never goes anywhere. I just want some more love and attention really. How do I handle this?

You could the strategy of saying what you do like rather than moaning about what you don't. Exactly the same principle as many use for their DC and pets actually!
So engineer a nicer than average evening - stay at the dinner table for a while with wine rather than retire to the sofa for example. Then say how much you enjoyed the adult conversation because you are with the kids all day. Then mention it again a few days later 'we should do that again shouldn't we, it was really nice and I miss adult conversation'.

This sounds like my marriage, following as soon to give birth and we are both mentally and physically drained from 2 years of no sleep and back to back illness. No family support, both in full time jobs and have had to cancel almost everything this year except our family holiday due to illness and tiredness.

He also is closed and doesn't say how he's feeling. It's very lonely. I've tried too. I think it will get better once the youngest is 3-4 and sleeping. They're not even born yet. Sobs.

I do think when you have young children you have to try and allocate some time to prioritise intimacy and your relationship, even if that is just 20 minutes before bed, but it takes two people so definitely worth a conversation x

OP I agree with you that criticising him won;t get the best results. Just say one night that being at home all day with pre-schoolers is boring and lonely. You understand he's tired when you get home, and wants to switch off but you're tired too, and really want to connect better.

Suggest having a drink together - as soon as DC are in bed, out in the garden or at the kitchen table - no phones, no screens, and just chat a bit.

Do you have a date every week? We realised you have to, and not one where you sit glazed eyed in front of each other, talking about DC or lapsing into silence, but a date which bonds you - like a comedy night or a gig, a theatre show. Things you are doing together that are fun and can be discussed as a couple.

Sometimes you have to make really obvious efforts, like challenging each other to have dinner together and not talk about DC or work but what's going on in the wider world.

Sorry to read this op.

I could have written this going back a few years. A few years further on again, I've realised how shocking our emotional connection is. I put it down to this and that and the difficulties of having young children. Now, however, I would like out of the relationship, it isn't right for me. Hugs and so on were lacking as they are now. Much as you describe sunk in front of the TV. Then tried to rekindle but it didn't work - there was a lack of connectedness. More complicated factors feature as each relationship is different but looking back this was one of the many warning signs that something was lacking.

@Shleepymummy
You say you want affection etc, while he seems content...

Do you ever just hug him, kiss him or anything that previously inspired affection?

@confessionsfromadreamer sorry to hear this- it sounds like a really tough time for you guys. I feel for you. Young children with little to no support and sleep issues are just brutal. I hope it gets better for you soon
@Meadowwild thanks for the tips, I’m going to try the drink and no phones and chat tomorrow! See how we go. I would love to do a date night once a week, I think he would too, but sadly we don’t have the childcare option for this. But we could make effort to try monthly. I just wish these ideas sometimes came from him, it’s always on me. I would plan when he breathes if he could get away with that 😂 We also eat at 5.30pm with the kids, this is so we all eat one meal to help with food planning/and kids eating habits. But once I’m back at work we will eat in evening without them.
@coolestday im sorry it hasn’t worked out for you and you want to call it a day. Always tough. Hopefully I can make some changes to improve things my end

I’m in a similar position to OP. I really like your approach, me & DH are bad for screen time after a long day we hardly speak how would you change it around?

Kids ruin most marriages. Despite all the wonderous bits most of it is boring and repetitive and hard slog. Doesn't help to look at whose to blame it's just what happens. Hope you manage to get through this bit and then things will get easier once you have more time for each other