Friend with ADHD: how to go on...

[Eatstootsandleaves]

I have a lovely female friend, Sal, whom I've known for a few years. Great fun, wise, incredibly clever and interesting but also quite complicated at times. She has ADHD: she's been diagnosed for many years and so sometimes life with her is a bit complicated. She's on and off her meds: doesn't seem to sleep much and is often unreliable and cancels arrangements at very short notice. When she's feeling good she's great company but at other times she's all over the place and sometimes quite distressed. She has a background working in mental health and psychology, so she's taught me a lot about her condition and generally I appreciate the energy and intellectual stimulation she brings and go with the flow when she's down and needs time out.

For the last six years I've booked a large holiday home (big, comfortable houses in different areas with plenty of space and bedrooms and bathrooms) at this time of year and invited a group of compatible friends away for a week. I pay for the accommodation as a way of ensuring that everyone can come.

It's never the same mix of friends. I have a core group, but the rest vary. For the first four years I invited Sal. She came three times. A couple of those occasions went very well, but the third time she wasn't sleeping for more than a couple of hours a night and was low and unhappy during the day. She went home after three nights. Year four she was invited, accepted and then cancelled at the last minute. Last year she had a family wedding scheduled, so I didn't invite her. This year she's had a really bad time: lost a job, had to move and I've seen a lot of her in recent months and know she's not in a great space at the moment. I didn't think she'd welcome a long drive and sharing a holiday home — so I didn't invite her.

She's now told me, with a week to go, how angry and sad she is at not being invited. She was insistent on me telling her why. I've said that I didn't think she'd find it easy or be happy there, and I reminded her that she'd dropped out the last time she was invited and hadn't slept the previous time. She's said she gets it, she can appreciate that it's not great for me but she's also told me to fuck off because I've excluded her. I have no doubt we'll get over it, but how do I balance my needs — to spend a relatively calm and happy week with people I like and don't see enough of — with her needs?

You are not her therapist. You deserve a nice holiday. You can invite whoever you want - nobody is entitled to a free break. You like to mix it up and spend time with your wider circle so nobody should expect an invitation every year - and you can tell her that. It’s honest, fair, and reasonable - has she ever invited you on holiday, or even for dinner, to the cinema, or even on a hike, etc.? Is it a friendship or are there elements of her perceiving that you have
caring or support responsibilities towards her?

We live very close (5 minutes walk) to a big annual festival. We invite 5-6 people to stay with us every year depending on who’s playing and who we’d like to catch up with - this year we have 2 friends and 3 relatives, last year it was 6 completely different friends. We have had some come back from a few people who think it’s their right to stay with us every year and we’ve had to nip that in the bud. We don’t get invited to everything and that’s ok.

That’s a long winded way of saying - you are not responsible for her needs.

Thanks, BananaLambo. Yes, you're right. I guess I know that. She is generous and we do things together that she organises, so it's not a one-way street.

This year has been horrible for her. All sorts of things falling apart and her ADHD amplified as a result.

I hope we'll get over this. She is normally very reasonable but it's an indication of how low she is that we've ended up in this position.

So is she now invited?
Has she talked about RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria)? Us ADHDers are hyper sensitive to perceived rejection..so even though rationally she understands why she wasn’t invited, she will still be upset to have not been invited. I feel similar - I used to go on a group holiday (4 couples and kids). I got divorced and now I’m not included. Rationally, I couldn’t afford it now and I’d struggle to sort it..RSD means I’m still hurt that I got excluded from these plans and I feel a bit of resentment to see the photos of them all away with me and DC 🤷🏻‍♀️
Maybe going forwards, rather than inviting or not inviting her, chat to her when planning and ask her how she feels? ‘I’m planning x trip again. I know you’ve been in the past but I’m conscious that you have had issues in the past. How do you feel about coming?’. Talk it through with her. She’s probably upset because she feels like you made the decision for her.

Sounds like more than just ADHD to me (I have it), although I appreciate it affects people in different ways. It sounds like she also has depression and possibly bipolar, but whatever the reason you are not responsible for her happiness.

I would message her and restate what you have said here. Tell her you value her friendship but you genuinely didn't think she wanted to come after what has happened on the last few trips and you wanted to offer the space to someone who was able to commit.

I get all that. But this is 'my' break with friends. It is supposed to be an easy-going few days away with like-minded people who're likely to enjoy the set-up and be reasonable company. I think as someone else has said, I'm not my friend's therapist. And yes, I get that I should probably negotiate but at the moment I suspect that even if I invited her and she said yes, she probably wouldn't come or would drop out of after a day or two.

Bit weary at the moment: not sure when I'm allowed to say 'Look, this is too complicated'.

I did say that: she is angry that I don't get her ADHD or understand that sometimes she just can't deal with people. I don't have ADHD so try as I might I can't really understand. Sorry to all with ADHD. It seems so complex.

OP you're allowed to say "this is too complicated " right now.

You are doing a lovely kind thing by paying for a holiday, you have supported this friend as much as you can.

I don't know much about ADHD either but in some ways it doesn't matter- your boundaries are what they are, and they seem perfectly reasonable to me.

I get that you want a relaxed week and it's totally your choice who you socialise with and when.

Depending on how you worded it, your response to her seems a bit disingenuous. "She was insistent on me telling her why. I've said that I didn't think she'd find it easy or be happy there, and I reminded her that she'd dropped out the last time she was invited and hadn't slept the previous time." You're trying to make it sound like the decision was for her benefit, which is patronising, she has the right to decide for herself what is likely to make her happiest. Maybe she finds lots of things hard but thinks the holiday is worth trying. If you don't want her there due to previous behaviour, that's allowed, but please own it, rather than trying to make it sound like you're doing her a favour by excluding her.

You're absolutely allowed to say this at this point. You find the holiday, you choose who comes and you have needs too. Tbh I wouldn't be too gutted if that cost me a friendship. I had to end one as the ex friend asked me to go out if my way to pick up stuff to a party I wasn't invited to. 🤔 no thanks!
No one likes being excluded but you can't invite everyone and can prioritise your needs.

You can't. Ive found alongside ADHD comes massive rejection sensitivity. It's just sometimes impossible to navigate when it's paired up with flakyness.

However, on a holiday where it doesnt really matter if someone drops out as there are little costs. I think I'd invite her along and if she does, or wants to go home then at least she's been included.

I think the ADHD is a bit of a red herring. Sal isn’t a provenly good holiday companion. She potentially spoiled the holiday of the other friends attending with mopiness and moods one occasion previously; she cancelled last minute on another occasion, wasting your generously spent money because you had no time to invite another friend to take her place. I don’t think she has the right to be upset that this time, you’ve opted not to add complication to your holiday by involving her.

I appreciate that you probably want to maintain the friendship but honestly, I don’t think I’d be hurrying myself to apologise to somebody who couldn’t also acknowledge and accept that their own behaviour was the reason they hadn’t been invited again. I have many friends, and plenty who I love very much but would never go on holiday with (and I’m sure some of my friends feel the same way about holidaying with me.) Sometimes our particular “needs” can’t be fulfilled by others, and that’s okay.

Id keep your boundaries. Say you have many friends, and its someone else's turn this year. Would you be open to having a weekend away with just her?

OP has this friend ever gone out of her way to do something nice for you?

You seem to have put a lot of effort into worrying about and caring for her. Does she ever actively do it for you? That would be the sign of a friendship for me and I probably would reinvite her as it's a friend going through an extra tough time.

However if she hasn't indicated that if you suddenly lost your job and had the same misfortune that she'd make as much effort for you, then I'd cut ties

This:

Her having ADHD is only an issue when you/she makes you feel bad for not including her when she has a bad track record as a holiday companion.

Being ND doesn't mean anyone gets to make other people miserable or feel bad for not including them when they likely won't enjoy it and ruin it for everyone else.

She's your friend, not your child.

Blimey, if my “friend” told me to Fuck Off I’d never speak to them again!

Nobody is entitled to a free holiday, disability notwithstanding. The fact that she's upset tell me she feels she is entitled, not a quality you want in a friend.

And before the ADHD defenders comes on here to tell us that ADHD is a special disability and accommodations must be made regardless, they are wrong. I have a now-adult ADHD son and a dh, ds, and dd with ASD, so I am well-acquainted. Neurodiversity is not a "get out of acting like a decent human being" card.

No I’m sorry, but she does not have the right to decide for herself as to if OP is going to pay for her to go on holiday or not. She’s not entitled to a free trip. I’m think the money aspect is being forgotten here and it’s a huge factor.

I agree with a pp, you dont want her there because of past behaviours (fair enough) but you need to own it and not be making out you've done her a favour by not inviting her.

Grateful for the feedback. The money aspect of the situation isn't the thing that's important to me, it's more about people being able to have a good time together somewhere new. I've been thinking about how I choose the people I invite, and I don't invite a number of people I know because I don't think they'd enjoy it. I have a couple of friends who are introverts and like a lot of alone-time and might struggle with the communal nature of the set-up. I also have a few very full-on activity-orientated friends who turn up on holidays with a massive tick-list of things to do and see and want everyone to be up at 7am in order to climb a mountain or want to cycle 100 miles a day. So it's not just Sal I've chosen not to invite.

I've read a few articles on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. I can see how that could be in play here. I can also see that it would make a friendship (or almost anything) complicated.

I'm not making out I've done her a favour. As with other people I know well, I've considered whether she's likely to enjoy a week sharing with other people and, having seen her at least once a week for months (sometimes more often) and knowing how unsettled she is at the moment, I've made the decision that a house-party holiday is unlikely to be what she needs.

There's no aspect of doing her a favour and framing it like that strikes me as passive aggressive and manipulative.

Go on your holiday and don’t mention it.

ADHD or not, an adult should be able to handle that. If she can’t, that’s not your fault and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

It may be that she does not want pity or to be someone’s pet project. I can’t imagine any well adjusted adult would want that.

I am sorry, but I agree with the other posters that have said you have explained why you didn’t invite to her to her as if you were looking out for her best interests:
“I didn't think she'd welcome a long drive and sharing a holiday home — so I didn't invite her.” …..”I've said that I didn't think she'd find it easy or be happy there,…”

This is never a good thing to do, the decent thing is to invite a friend and let them decide if it is something they would be happy to do. You have patronised and infantilised her massively.

Then despite starting out pretending you were doing her a favour, you went on to reveal the real reason she was not invited was her struggles with ADHD being visible;
”…I reminded her that she'd dropped out the last time she was invited and hadn't slept the previous time.”

Neither of those things ruin holidays for abled people who have an ounce of understanding that the person who has to leave early or cannot sleep is suffering from a disability which causes these things. They’re not leaving early because they think the holiday is shit and you and your other friends are cows. They’re not having trouble sleeping because they’re not having a good time.

Neither of those are her not being a decent person, even if it a bit of an inconvenience to you that hey ADHD actually is a disability and not a label.

You did not invite her because you want a holiday free from anyone with any invisible disability that you might have to observe them struggling with in your presence. You want to surround yourself with the abled.

I don’t blame her for her reaction at all. She has given you the two word version of what you said to her in a more flowery form.

Sounds like Rejection sensitive dysphoria has kicked her butt. It is a part of adhd and not a part a lot of us handle well.

From a percieved or real rejection, it can literally feel like we've been kicked in the chest. And you get flooded with emotion much quicker than an NT person.

However, and I say this as a person who has ADHD, you are NOT responsible for her feelings or how she manages her ADHD.

I feel some people, both Neurotypical and neurodiverse, have a trouble separating the ND from the person and their personality.

Our conditions do not make us who we are. It affects what we do correct. But you can just be an arsehole who happens to have ADHD as well. Some people's are more severe and they will not be able to cope at times so they may become unreliable.

I personally am not medicated however I manage myself with practical methods. I would not sign up to something that I couldn't cope with. I have strong boundaries so that I don't people please to my detriment. I have to use my phone calendar and so forth. Somewhere along the line, you have to take responsibility for yourself and your condition otherwise you lose people and jobs and whatever else.

Anyway, back to the topic, I don't think you've done anything wrong and I feel like your friend is making her whole being and everything that goes wrong about her ADHD. That isn't healthy for her.

All you can if you still want to be friends, is be a good friend but from a distance where you are not sacrificing yourself or your own holiday time.

I would just say to her why you didn't invite her and thought it wouldn't be a good time say next time you can come but this time, I'm having a break with others blah blah.

It maybe a mix of cross wires but she may throw her toys out of the pram.