Friend with ADHD: how to go on...

[Eatstootsandleaves]

I have a lovely female friend, Sal, whom I've known for a few years. Great fun, wise, incredibly clever and interesting but also quite complicated at times. She has ADHD: she's been diagnosed for many years and so sometimes life with her is a bit complicated. She's on and off her meds: doesn't seem to sleep much and is often unreliable and cancels arrangements at very short notice. When she's feeling good she's great company but at other times she's all over the place and sometimes quite distressed. She has a background working in mental health and psychology, so she's taught me a lot about her condition and generally I appreciate the energy and intellectual stimulation she brings and go with the flow when she's down and needs time out.

For the last six years I've booked a large holiday home (big, comfortable houses in different areas with plenty of space and bedrooms and bathrooms) at this time of year and invited a group of compatible friends away for a week. I pay for the accommodation as a way of ensuring that everyone can come.

It's never the same mix of friends. I have a core group, but the rest vary. For the first four years I invited Sal. She came three times. A couple of those occasions went very well, but the third time she wasn't sleeping for more than a couple of hours a night and was low and unhappy during the day. She went home after three nights. Year four she was invited, accepted and then cancelled at the last minute. Last year she had a family wedding scheduled, so I didn't invite her. This year she's had a really bad time: lost a job, had to move and I've seen a lot of her in recent months and know she's not in a great space at the moment. I didn't think she'd welcome a long drive and sharing a holiday home — so I didn't invite her.

She's now told me, with a week to go, how angry and sad she is at not being invited. She was insistent on me telling her why. I've said that I didn't think she'd find it easy or be happy there, and I reminded her that she'd dropped out the last time she was invited and hadn't slept the previous time. She's said she gets it, she can appreciate that it's not great for me but she's also told me to fuck off because I've excluded her. I have no doubt we'll get over it, but how do I balance my needs — to spend a relatively calm and happy week with people I like and don't see enough of — with her needs?

I have a good friend with adhd. When she’s having a bad time she can get very challenging in her manner and behaviour. I tend to step back, let her know I am there if needed but I am not going to be verbally abused or treated rudely. We get over it and move on. I sympathise both with you and your friend, it can be a tough one from both sides.

I have adhd. I feel She's being unfair to you. She is not entitled to a free holiday and it's a lovely thing you do. In the previous few invites she dropped out last minute with one and left early with another. I think it's reasonable for you not to invite her.

If a friend told me to fuck off because I didn't pay for them to come away, I'd be reconsidering the friendship

It may be that she does not want pity or to be someone’s pet project. I can’t imagine any well adjusted adult would want that.

I got to know a very clever, witty, creative and frankly inspirational woman who seemed happy to have me as a friend. I just want a friendship. I don't want to have to start relating to her in a kind of therapeutic way or trying to understand everything through the lens of ADHD. But perhaps that's not possible, because ADHD is who she is...

It all feels so overcomplicated. I don't want to pity anyone or have anyone feel as if they're my pet project. I just want a mutual friendship where I'm not all the time feeling as if I need to factor in things I don't fully understand in order not to upset people.

I have two sets of friends who are planning adventure trips. One group is going trekking in Patagonia and doing the W hike, which involves up to 20 miles of demanding walking and climbing a day, and the other group is doing the higher Annapurna circuit, which is an incredibly high and demanding trek requiring serious fitness levels. I'm not unfit and I would love to do both but I'm not deemed fit enough by either group. They don't want to have to adapt their plans to accommodate me. I understand that and I don't hold it against them.
Deciding that this person is suitable for this particular event/ group and this person isn't suitable for the occasion isn't ableist. We all make choices all the time, and we all (whether we know it or not) have choices made about us.

The strong key word here is boundaries.

If you do not wish to become that role then do not allow yourself to be pushed into that role simple as.

I've had to really push myself out of that role as I became a natural people pleaser. But then it becomes burdensome to you, the other people never seem to care how much energy they are taking from you.

Good friendships are all about balance. Give and take from each other to have a healthy friendship.

You can still be her friend but at more of a distance like I said. I also said her adhd isn't who she is, this friend has her own personality aside her adhd. But what can you do when someone has made their condition their personality?

You just have to make sure you look after yourself first and foremost. If she is any kind of a friend, she will respect your boundaries.