Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What would you do now

45 replies

Sweeties1989 · 04/07/2024 06:02

I need to be honest to tell the story. My boyfriend has a very likely Been on some sort of drug binge recently. I don't really know a lot About that side of his life , but I know occasionally he does Certain drugs. I don't really need the.Why are you with a Drug user questions because it's complicated. His mental health has always Been
Terrible.

At the weekend he was delusional. Sweating and seeing things. Talking a load of paranoid nonsense. I'm not sure if there was some slight truth in some of it. The last four days I have had the crisis team out. Paramedics have been out. I have spoken to His doctor surgery. He has declined to go with the paramedics to the mental health clinic.Because he has capacity , they cannot take him. He has not slept properly for a week and spends most of the night awake.And the day. I have been very stressed trying to get him to get help. I have not seen him for 3 days Because he is in his own world and needs to be alone.

This morning I rang him at five am. He had been awake most of the night again. Overnight he has decided he wants to go on the train to his daughter who lives forty minutes away. She suffers from bipolar and has recently had a manic episode. He was behaving in very similar ways at his flat.And I had to call an ambulance. She was sectioned and has only recently gone back home. Here are my partner have bonded over their mental health. They seem to think that nobody else gets it. He has started to say on A.Regular basis that she understands him.Nobody else does. I work in a medical setting and I am a very emphatic person. I have guided him through.What medications will help with his anxiety and sleeping problems. I have sympathised completely with the symptoms having and how scary they are. I have been struggling to sleep myself. I don't understand how he has come to the conclusion.That only his daughter gets it when I am trying to give him so many options so he is not alone.

He is too scared to come to my house but he feels he can go on a train to hers. His reason is she will be able to tell him how to manage his panic attacks because he feels like he is going to die. I kind of said to him that I feel pretty useless at this stage. Is daughter is twenty six and he's fifty one. She has a very childlike lifestyle because of her illness and spends a lot of time with random.People chilling in her house like students still. She's a really nice girl , but her life style is very different to her dads. His age he needs to be looking at more sensible options than chilling on his daughters.Sofa to get better. I tried to explain to him that whilst visiting her.Today is fine.He still needs to speak to a professional or a doctor For medication to bring down these symptoms. He hung up because he presumed.I was just going to start as always.

I feel like my energy is all gone. I've supported him for the last few days.And the verdict for him is his Daughter will be the best answer out of all the professional roads to go down. He now won't answer the phone and I start work in an hour. I'm exhausted and feel like a nag. What do I do? I feel helpless and useless.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2024 06:21

Walk away and get therapy for your own self before you are further harmed emotionally by all this dysfunction. Addicts lie to themselves and lie repeatedly to others. Do not contact him further.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.
Why have you decided to be both a rescuer and or saviour here?. He does not want your help and support. He targeted you and has further gone on to exploit your empathetic nature.

Sweeties1989 · 04/07/2024 06:31

It took me 3 years to find drug paraphelia in his house. Ive only recently discovered this as hes been declining. Im trying to get him sectioned or under drs.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 04/07/2024 06:33

For your own sake, i too think you need to walk away. You won’t save him, you will make yourself ill trying.

Olika · 04/07/2024 06:39

Just walk away.

MouseAnony · 04/07/2024 06:43

Walk away. Get therapy for yourself and look up codependency

JaniceLongSchlong · 04/07/2024 06:48

Please seek counselling for yourself and disengage from this man for your own sake

Sweeties1989 · 04/07/2024 06:51

I need to disengage you are right

OP posts:
Mapsosskak · 04/07/2024 06:52

Please walk away OP, I’ve been where you are and it was one of the worst experiences of my life and no he didn’t change and no he didn’t stop using. You only have his word he’s going to his daughter’s home as well because addicts lie, it must have been very strong drugs for him to be like this in the aftermath.
is he a heroin user ?

RosaRoja · 04/07/2024 06:58

What is complicated in your relationship? You don’t have children together and you don’t live together. That makes things significantly easier for you to break up with this man who is still dabbling in drugs at 51.

PerfectTravelTote · 04/07/2024 06:59

He doesn't want your help.

You can't help him and you'll make yourself ill if you keep trying.

Don't take it personally that he doesn't want your help. He's not being rational.

YesItsMe44 · 04/07/2024 07:21

Like POs have said, walk away. I had to do it with my brother years ago. I'd occasionally get a call from jail, or the hospital, but I had finally drawn my boundaries. Addiction runs in my family and I'm always the one who was called until saying NO! And the old saying, "I said No. What don't you understand, the N or the O?" Life went on, and letting go of the drama, etc., that goes along with it is very liberating. As another poster said, walk away (he won't remember a lot, if any, of what has happened) and get help to take care of you.

PrincessMee · 04/07/2024 09:50

You talk a great deal about what you want to happen but he isn't engaging so I would leave him to it with his daughter. Why waste your life as well?

StrawberryWater · 04/07/2024 10:12

Walk away.

You're onto a hiding to nothing as it is nigh on impossible to get anyone sectioned, even if it is for their own safety.

Bananalanacake · 04/07/2024 10:21

Give him space to sort himself out, it is not your job, Give him a call in a month to see how he is, but only if you want to.

TheTartfulLodger · 04/07/2024 10:33

In fairness I think you do need the why are you with a drug user questions. It's not complicated. You make it complicated by making it your problem. You need to walk away and stop trying to rescue him. Maybe explore why you are taking on the role of saviour for someone that doesn't want your help. The reason you feel like you are just wasting your energy is because you are.

Sweeties1989 · 04/07/2024 18:39

Ive just blocked him. He went to his daughters. Did not update me hed got there. Didnt tell me when he was leaving. I rang him 7 times and text 4 because his other daughter wanted to sort something generic with us. He left his dd at 4.30 got on train. Walked back to his flat. Sat down and when he finally answered he was tired slurry and confusing. He said i am always starting on him! I cant take any more

OP posts:
leeverarch · 04/07/2024 19:09

Everyone is right, you need to walk away from this one, however much you love him and want to do the right thing. You are not responsible for his mental health or safety, and you are not his therapist. You cannot make him seek professional support. It is not your job to try to fix him.

You can't carry on trying to save someone who is behaving like this, and who is often in the grip of drug-fuelled delusions. You cannot do any more than you have already done, and I admire you for trying so hard, but the time has come to stop now.
Flowers

FawnDrench · 04/07/2024 19:19

Delete his number.
Block him.
He is using you as his personal therapist / PA when it suits him.
You've been sucked in.
Stop making excuses.

Time to move on.
As you'a medical person you would know this surely, and advise anyone else in your situation to do the same - wouldn't you??

newbeggins · 04/07/2024 19:24

Often when people say that yet are better understood by other people, it means they hear what they want from those people.

You want him to improve/recover. He doesn't want that.

Time to walk away. That's the best way you can help him.

SuperGreens · 04/07/2024 19:50

Let it go. There is nothing you can do to change this, to change him. None of it will bring you any happiness. Let it go.

Sweeties1989 · 04/07/2024 19:52

Hes being so abusive tonight so i have blocked. He keeps making it clear i am always starting. When im not? I just felt hurt he did not let me know hed gone over or he was heading back. Isnt that basic? Why is he uninterested in talking to me when hes at his dd. It was like this 2 months ago when he went over.

I fear him dying as hes so depressed and paranoid. He has insomnia.

I hsve no idea what he takes. But i presume possible crack/cocaine as a pipe was in the house on 4 occasions. Not sure what else. I dont even smoke and he tells me nothing. Ive just noticed stuff in his flat and i do snoop now to find proof. On sat afternoon last week he rang me saying an old friend he fell out with had seem him last and tried to kidnao him. He said he had to run. I believed that until the next morning when his stories seemed too far fetched.

OP posts:
Discotrousers · 04/07/2024 19:55

Often when people say that yet are better understood by other people, it means they hear what they want from those people.

This. And, kindly OP, drop the rope, he doesn't want/can't engage with your help right now and you will absolutely drain yourself trying to no avail. Your life should not be consumed with trying to help him, you deserve to get something out of a relationship too and this one seems totally one sided.

Treesinthewind · 04/07/2024 20:06

I’ve been in this position but with a partner I lived with. It’s near impossible to get someone sectioned or to get them to engage with medical professionals if they’re delusional. Especially if you’re not “next of kin.” The more you push it, the more he’ll believe you’re part of the conspiracy against him. It’s incredibly hard to walk away but I’m not sure there’s anything else you can do.

Sweeties1989 · 04/07/2024 20:09

Its like he leans so heavily on me then feels smoothered when i care for his wellbeing.

He doesnt seem to like me and i feel the truth is coming out. When hes around his dd i suspect he makes me out to be a pain in the arse to her too.

OP posts:
WalkingaroundJardine · 04/07/2024 20:15

Walk away. You can’t rescue him.