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Original poster

What would you do now

45 replies

Sweeties1989 · 04/07/2024 06:02

I need to be honest to tell the story. My boyfriend has a very likely Been on some sort of drug binge recently. I don't really know a lot About that side of his life , but I know occasionally he does Certain drugs. I don't really need the.Why are you with a Drug user questions because it's complicated. His mental health has always Been
Terrible.

At the weekend he was delusional. Sweating and seeing things. Talking a load of paranoid nonsense. I'm not sure if there was some slight truth in some of it. The last four days I have had the crisis team out. Paramedics have been out. I have spoken to His doctor surgery. He has declined to go with the paramedics to the mental health clinic.Because he has capacity , they cannot take him. He has not slept properly for a week and spends most of the night awake.And the day. I have been very stressed trying to get him to get help. I have not seen him for 3 days Because he is in his own world and needs to be alone.

This morning I rang him at five am. He had been awake most of the night again. Overnight he has decided he wants to go on the train to his daughter who lives forty minutes away. She suffers from bipolar and has recently had a manic episode. He was behaving in very similar ways at his flat.And I had to call an ambulance. She was sectioned and has only recently gone back home. Here are my partner have bonded over their mental health. They seem to think that nobody else gets it. He has started to say on A.Regular basis that she understands him.Nobody else does. I work in a medical setting and I am a very emphatic person. I have guided him through.What medications will help with his anxiety and sleeping problems. I have sympathised completely with the symptoms having and how scary they are. I have been struggling to sleep myself. I don't understand how he has come to the conclusion.That only his daughter gets it when I am trying to give him so many options so he is not alone.

He is too scared to come to my house but he feels he can go on a train to hers. His reason is she will be able to tell him how to manage his panic attacks because he feels like he is going to die. I kind of said to him that I feel pretty useless at this stage. Is daughter is twenty six and he's fifty one. She has a very childlike lifestyle because of her illness and spends a lot of time with random.People chilling in her house like students still. She's a really nice girl , but her life style is very different to her dads. His age he needs to be looking at more sensible options than chilling on his daughters.Sofa to get better. I tried to explain to him that whilst visiting her.Today is fine.He still needs to speak to a professional or a doctor For medication to bring down these symptoms. He hung up because he presumed.I was just going to start as always.

I feel like my energy is all gone. I've supported him for the last few days.And the verdict for him is his Daughter will be the best answer out of all the professional roads to go down. He now won't answer the phone and I start work in an hour. I'm exhausted and feel like a nag. What do I do? I feel helpless and useless.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 04/07/2024 20:20

You've been posting about this man and his daughter for several months, haven't you? And on every single thread people have advised you to finish the relationship.

Leave him alone OP. He doesn't want you. He wants the drugs and the dysfunction and the drama.

Get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting to address your own codependency.

Original poster
Sweeties1989 · 04/07/2024 20:22

Being told constantly you are a nightmare, always starting and having a go when you have bent over backwards to try protect them from starving, being homeless and being at deaths door.

I never shout..i support and suggest things. I encourage and listen. But according to him i dont listen.

He can have no sex drive for weeks even months. He can borrow money and depend on me. Hes the reason we cant go out or have fun but hes wording it like its no fun for him because im such a nag.

I am taught hes suffering 24/7 and theres never an acceptable time to say im sad. Ive had a bad week. Im loosing sleep over this. Because how dare me and my normal mental state put my petty negativity onto a man suffering from clinical depression who does not deserve to be picked at.

Apparently my job is to shut up and smile and be oblivious to the behaviour hes displaying.

Ofcourse if he overdoses or gives up, my brain will most likely suffer for years trying to process it and wondering if id have not given him a tough time he might still be here. But why does he want to keep me around when all the nice feelings have turned to irritation.

OP posts:
ketzeleh · 04/07/2024 20:30

It's clear you care about your partner very much and you're worried about him, but that doesn't automatically mean you're handling this in the right way.

In this and your other thread, you've mentioned that your partner has been suffering from depression, has a first-degree relative with bipolar disorder, and sometimes uses drugs recreationally. All these factors do put him at higher risk for psychosis, but they also mean his medical needs are quite complex. Identifying the right medication for him wouldn't be a straightforward process. "I work in a medical field" is vague phrasing, and I'm guessing your job doesn't include prescribing or you'd say so explicitly. No matter how well-meaning you are, you shouldn't be advising him on the meds he needs to be taking for anxiety and sleep. He's right to feel that you're overstepping if you've been doing that.

It sounds as if he also recognises the similarities between his daughter's experience and his own, and right now he wants the comfort of being around someone who shares that inside view. This isn't unreasonable in and of itself, and it's actually a pretty common thing for people experiencing psychosis to do. It can be an important stepping stone to getting medical help. Your partner will need to ask for that himself when he's ready. If the paramedics assessed him as having capacity to make decisions about his own treatment, you won't be able to "get him sectioned". He has enough insight to choose what to do, which includes the right to make unwise decisions.

As other posters have said, the only choices you need to focus on here are your own. You're not obliged to become his carer, to give him information about treatment options, or to persuade him to see the doctor, to lend him money, to keep him fed and houses. You can choose to walk away. The question isn't why he "keeps you around", it's why you're staying.

To work out what you want, you need to start being honest with yourself about your own feelings and motives. Realistically you wouldn't have phoned and texted someone eleven times to "sort out something generic." Generic things can wait. You were phoning and texting because wanted to hear from him, you were upset that he'd gone to his daughter instead of you, and you feel resentful that he apparently values the advice of someone you see as childlike and mentally unfit over your advice. It isn't reasonable to bombard someone with calls and texts like that and then get upset when they say you're always on at them. You can't control his reactions, but you can control your actions, and that means that if you don't like the choices he's making you remove yourself from the situation.

Mapsosskak · 04/07/2024 20:31

Op I mean this kindly he has mental issues because of the amount of drugs he takes he’s depressed because of that. He’s a drug user and they lie and manipulate people closest to them.
Secondly he sounds emotionally abusive, not being rude but judging by your user name I’m assuming you’re 35? Why are you with a down and out 51 year old? Who lives his life this way and uses you when it suits him for cash etc when you could be with someone your own age who makes you happy?
I do think you have a major saviour complex to be this invested in someone who 1 doesn’t want you to be and 2 it’s bordering on obsession. It’s not healthy at all.

crockofshite · 04/07/2024 20:38

FawnDrench · 04/07/2024 19:19

Delete his number.
Block him.
He is using you as his personal therapist / PA when it suits him.
You've been sucked in.
Stop making excuses.

Time to move on.
As you'a medical person you would know this surely, and advise anyone else in your situation to do the same - wouldn't you??

Said she worked in a medical setting, not that she was a medical person.

Whatever it is she does at work, she needs to disengage with the boyfriend and leave him to his mess of a life. It doesn't sound like much fun, for either of them.

savethatkitty · 04/07/2024 20:44

There's only one life vest. Save yourself.

Stark truth is he has no interest in your help. He's not even interested in helping himself so this is a lost cause.

DatingDinosaur · 04/07/2024 21:40

Sweeties1989 · 04/07/2024 06:31

It took me 3 years to find drug paraphelia in his house. Ive only recently discovered this as hes been declining. Im trying to get him sectioned or under drs.

Don't bother.

You can't fix him. Leave him to it.

WalkingaroundJardine · 04/07/2024 21:45

@Sweeties1989 it doesn’t seem you get anything at all out of this relationship. Why are you still there? Is it because you don’t want to be alone and need to be needed?

Everyone has told you this is a very unhealthy relationship with no happy future. You can’t control his behaviour but you definitely have a lot of control over your life. You don’t have to live like this and you do have a choice.

Original poster
Sweeties1989 · 04/07/2024 21:56

Its learning he will cope without me and if his life goes to shit its not my fault.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 04/07/2024 22:01

Of course he'll cope without you! How the hell did he cope before you?

Yes his life might probably will go to shit but that's on him as an adult making his own adult choices. You're not his mother.

DatingDinosaur · 04/07/2024 22:03

And I've no idea how you think his shitty life is your fault. By that logic, you sticking around is enabling his shitty life to remain shit.

Behonest32 · 04/07/2024 22:10

Sweeties1989 · 04/07/2024 06:02

I need to be honest to tell the story. My boyfriend has a very likely Been on some sort of drug binge recently. I don't really know a lot About that side of his life , but I know occasionally he does Certain drugs. I don't really need the.Why are you with a Drug user questions because it's complicated. His mental health has always Been
Terrible.

At the weekend he was delusional. Sweating and seeing things. Talking a load of paranoid nonsense. I'm not sure if there was some slight truth in some of it. The last four days I have had the crisis team out. Paramedics have been out. I have spoken to His doctor surgery. He has declined to go with the paramedics to the mental health clinic.Because he has capacity , they cannot take him. He has not slept properly for a week and spends most of the night awake.And the day. I have been very stressed trying to get him to get help. I have not seen him for 3 days Because he is in his own world and needs to be alone.

This morning I rang him at five am. He had been awake most of the night again. Overnight he has decided he wants to go on the train to his daughter who lives forty minutes away. She suffers from bipolar and has recently had a manic episode. He was behaving in very similar ways at his flat.And I had to call an ambulance. She was sectioned and has only recently gone back home. Here are my partner have bonded over their mental health. They seem to think that nobody else gets it. He has started to say on A.Regular basis that she understands him.Nobody else does. I work in a medical setting and I am a very emphatic person. I have guided him through.What medications will help with his anxiety and sleeping problems. I have sympathised completely with the symptoms having and how scary they are. I have been struggling to sleep myself. I don't understand how he has come to the conclusion.That only his daughter gets it when I am trying to give him so many options so he is not alone.

He is too scared to come to my house but he feels he can go on a train to hers. His reason is she will be able to tell him how to manage his panic attacks because he feels like he is going to die. I kind of said to him that I feel pretty useless at this stage. Is daughter is twenty six and he's fifty one. She has a very childlike lifestyle because of her illness and spends a lot of time with random.People chilling in her house like students still. She's a really nice girl , but her life style is very different to her dads. His age he needs to be looking at more sensible options than chilling on his daughters.Sofa to get better. I tried to explain to him that whilst visiting her.Today is fine.He still needs to speak to a professional or a doctor For medication to bring down these symptoms. He hung up because he presumed.I was just going to start as always.

I feel like my energy is all gone. I've supported him for the last few days.And the verdict for him is his Daughter will be the best answer out of all the professional roads to go down. He now won't answer the phone and I start work in an hour. I'm exhausted and feel like a nag. What do I do? I feel helpless and useless.

Sounds like drug induced psychosis.

QueenBitch666 · 04/07/2024 22:26

Get out. He's not your problem to solve

Olika · 05/07/2024 05:34

You are tying to save him. It's his responsibility to make right decisions for himself. If his life goes shit after you leave that's on him. Don't stay because of guilt.

Gettingbysomehow · 05/07/2024 06:15

You don't have to live like this. Cut him off now and move on. You are wasting your life.

AgentJohnson · 05/07/2024 07:49

You need to work on your codependency.

FetchezLaVache · 05/07/2024 08:00

But why does he want to keep me around when all the nice feelings have turned to irritation.

I'd imagine for the money you keep lending him. Maybe meals and sex too. Who knows? And who cares? Balls to what he wants. What about what you want? Are you waiting for him to give you permission to leave or be the one to end things?

CT2974 · 05/07/2024 08:00

You need to block him/cut all ties. At 51 hes not going to change. Glad hes a “boyfriend” so its easy to walk away.

you dont need this hassle in your life. Go and live a peaceful life away from all this drama

DollyBelle · 05/07/2024 08:28

Sadly addicts have no empathy for the people they are hurting. There is no point in expecting him to have any care for you. He can’t and won’t. You are destroying yourself and as long as he is behaving this way, you will never get the answers you crave.
He will only seek out help when he decides. Removing yourself is actually a kindness to him.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 05/07/2024 09:23

I cant take any more

Thats where you needed to get to. Just as an addict needs to reach rock bottom to acceot professional help you needed to hit the bottom to say this.
You didn’t cause this.
You can’t control this.
You can’t cure this.
Walk away.

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