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Original poster

He still lives with his ex wife

48 replies

Lmnop22 · 03/07/2024 20:47

I’ve recently begun dating this man who I have known for a long time.

He has been separated from his wife for 18 months but they still live together with their children albeit in different bedrooms.

There is no financial reason that I can ascertain for this, he said it is for convenience whilst the children are young.

Is this a red flag?

OP posts:
Turefu · 03/07/2024 20:48

Are you sure his ex wife knows they are separated?

Anewuser · 03/07/2024 20:50

It depends are how connected they are.

Separate bedrooms means nothing.

Separate finances? Cook and eat together? Do each other’s laundry?

nestofvipers · 03/07/2024 20:51

Turefu · 03/07/2024 20:48

Are you sure his ex wife knows they are separated?

I was going to say exactly this.

It is a red flag and I am unconvinced they’re separated.

CollyBobble · 03/07/2024 20:51

Of course it is!

They may truly not be together and just house sharing for ease of child care but why be a third wheel in their mess?

People that avoid clean breaks often suffer with problems of jealousy from the other partner.

Avoid.

magicstar1 · 03/07/2024 20:51

I’ve had two friends who went out with men who told them this. Both of them got their “ex” pregnant and said it was a one off.

I wouldn’t get into a relationship with someone in that situation. Big red flag.

DatingDinosaur · 03/07/2024 20:54

It would be a red flag for me. That and being 'only' separated. Like Turefu says, does his wife know they're separated?

Is this what he's told you?

You say you've known him a long time - so you have mutual friends? Can they back up what he's telling you?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/07/2024 20:57

Big red flag, huge.

Am certain his wife is not aware that she and her husband are separated. Raise your own bar here and steer well clear of this man going forward.

Jutemat · 03/07/2024 21:00

Is he getting a divorce? It's not that abnormal, may need the funds before he can set up in a new house.

VillageLifeIsTricky · 03/07/2024 21:00

Separated = married, whether she's aware of the separation or not.

VotesAndGoats · 03/07/2024 21:03

My parents lived in separate bedrooms. My mum had an affair and my dad didn't want to divorce as we were in private school. He'd have had to sell the house, ensure my mum had a 3 bed, and then scrimp for a 1 bed.

I was never really sure what was going on, other than it had broken down. They divorced when I was 18.

And in another messed up scenario my dad then bought a house and got a new partner. That didn't work but she had left her husband and had nowhere to go, so she stayed in the house for a couple of years. That was pretty miserable all round as no one could move on.

Not really sure what my post is about other than to say none of it is a happy scenerio and I'm quite sceptical.

Busybusybusy73 · 03/07/2024 21:03

Would he be happy for you to meet the "ex" wife? Does their child (or as others have said, does she) know they are separated? Are there any plans for divorce or moving out in the immediate future? Are they still doing lots of activities together as a family unit?

I'd be very wary. As a minimum I'd expect to meet friends and family.

Psychoticbreak · 03/07/2024 21:04

She is not his ex wife she is his wife. They are married with children and under the same roof.

Teacherprebaby · 03/07/2024 21:56

Oh come on. He's living with her ffs. Honestly, I wish women were smarter some times.

B1rd · 03/07/2024 22:29

It is always easier to date a man who has sorted his sh1t out and left it way behind.

Bettedaviseyes111 · 03/07/2024 22:32

I see this as a significant issue, how can he have a relationship if he hasn’t resolved these issues after 18 months being separated from his Ex.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with this.

That being said if you’ve only recently started dating then I wouldn’t say the relationship is established enough to raise this as a problem. Perhaps see how it pans out?

Eenymeanymineymo · 03/07/2024 22:35

Is he now?! I couldn't be arsed with this. I would want someone who was 100% single. And all the issues sorted out. But I'm not someone who likes issues/complications for any reason.

Ponderingwindow · 03/07/2024 22:37

What kind of relationship do you want? Are you looking for something casual? Then he might be an appropriate person to date as long as you are sure the ex is aware. Are you looking for a life partner? Then this probably isn’t your guy. Maybe come back in a couple of years and see if he is ready

Grumblegore · 04/07/2024 01:16

Teacherprebaby · 03/07/2024 21:56

Oh come on. He's living with her ffs. Honestly, I wish women were smarter some times.

Exactly this is absurd.

When I was single I was talking to a man on a dating app. He kept trying to make surface conversation without actually telling me anything substantial.

Well I noticed what he was doing and that made me suspicious so I dug further and asked lots of questions. Long story short he was still living with his “ex” girlfriend. I unmatched immediately.

I remember being surprised he told me that and how stupid did he think I was to be willing to accept that? Then I see posts like this and remember some women do actually put up with this nonsense.

Personally I don’t even date married men who are separated living in different residences from their wives, because they’re still married and it feels icky to me.

I wouldn’t even entertain a man who lived with his “ex” whether anything was going on or not it’s just a messy situation.

They should seek to live independently of their alleged ex before starting something new with someone else.

StrawberryWater · 04/07/2024 01:35

Seriously op, wake up.

He's not available physically or emotionally.

savethatkitty · 04/07/2024 01:36

You know it is.

Red flag confirmation this way....

MonsteraMama · 04/07/2024 01:40

This happened to a pal of mine. After 8 months dating she fell accidentally pregnant, it then all came out that the wife was unaware she was separated, the separate bedrooms were due to snoring, and she was quite displeased to learn her husband had knocked my friend up.

Honestly OP even if they are actually separated, there are so many men out there, can you really not aim higher than a guy who is still playing house with his ex?

Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2024 01:42

This woman is not his ex, she is his wife, and you're the other women. Come on now, be smarter than this and want better.

SleepPrettyDarling · 04/07/2024 01:42

I went in a date with a man who’s divorced but his ex wife hasn’t moved out yet. (As it happens, his neighbour is a friend of mine - their sons are friends - and could verify a few details)

Even divorced, he might consider himself ready to date but I know, having gone through it, that he has all the family upheaval and upset still to come, and I have zero interest in seeing anyone who has that level of disentanglement still ahead of them.

errjql · 04/07/2024 01:51

Bad news either way.

either he isn’t really separated

or he is separated but still tangled up.

no no no
run a mile

Planesmistakenforstars · 04/07/2024 08:40

There is no financial reason that I can ascertain for this, he said it is for convenience whilst the children are young.

Well it's definitely for convenience, but probably not the kid's. Come on OP. He is married and he is living with his wife. This is beyond a red flag.

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