Friends frequently cancel or ignore messages

[VirginiaGirl]

I’m starting to think that I must surely be the problem.

I have given up trying to arrange to meet my closest local friend (we live 10 min. walk from one another). She’s cancelled last minute more than 5 times in the last year. Or has said she’d pick me up at a certain time, that time passes with no word until hours later when I might receive a ‘sorry about today, something else came up…’ We used to meet at least once a week.

Other small group of friends meet every few weeks but only happens if I arrange it. So now wondering if they'd rather not meet! Though all seem to enjoy it when we do.

Twice made arrangement with a cousin who messaged last minute to change the time to later as they'd received an (obviously better) offer to meet with other friends!

Other friends in general just don't seem keen on meeting or even bothering to reply to a text/Whatsapp.

Colleagues assure me that they experience the same kind of thing and it’s not just me. Is it just much easier to cancel nowadays with instant communication? Are people just exhausted and lack the energy to socialise? I’m not hugely sociable myself but I do miss a drink with a good friend or a nice walk. I know people have busy lives, as do I. I am starting to think it is best not to bother people as it hurts when they don't reply, cancel last minute or want to fit me in around a better offer.

Can anyone relate?

Totally relate. I do all the running and many friends are flaky as hell. I doubt it's you.

Yes, it does happen, and it's disappointing.

With that first friend though, I think you need to put your foot down and say something. Heer experience so far is that her actions have no consequences and that randomly forgetting is socially acceptable.

However, if you stop making an effort... Do you really want to be a hermit?

I just tend to not bother with the flaky ones after a few tries and focus on the more reliable and sociable ones. Foreign friends are often great as they are keen on seeing new places and exploring etc. I do find that a lot of people are just content staying at home and not socialising most of the week though.

I think people are massively flakier than they used to be. But also overwhelmed with 24/7 communication via text, WhatsApp, email - all the school apps, etc. I think some people can keep all the plans and messages from all the different areas of their lives straight in their minds better than others. I find it all pretty difficult and I try very very hard not to let people down. I am also very grateful for my friends who initiate meet-ups - which I enjoy, because I love my friends and love spending time with them - and I also know that I am frequently too knackered to organise them myself.

I think the practical and logistical labour of socialising ends up falling disproportionately to highly organised people. It’s not fair, but it doesn’t mean you’re unloved - or that the problem is with you. I absolutely cherish my friends who kick me up the arse to do things.

This is definitely how ppl are becoming. I have a few different group of friends (old school friends, work, mums) and there's a few times for me I've wanted to cancel because I'm too tired or something else has come up ( not always a better offer lol) but I don't cancel because I don't like to let someone down last minute but I'm guessing the others have no issues in actually letting someone down. Don't take it personally and if it is personal then sod them .

Cancelling with 10 minutes notice is just rude. There's no excuse for that and ID honestly say something to them. At least let them know you Ve planned your day around meeting them. And they could have had the courtesy to let you know earlier.

I can totally relate! I’ve now given up messaging and arranging things as I feel I do all the chasing. Honestly, I’m lonely and wish I had a strong friendship group to just chat to but I feel like I must be annoying if no one sticks.

I doubt it’s you, I think people just don’t realise how their flakiness can upset others!

Yeah I've more or less given up. It's hard work.

It's not you.

I never sign up to group events now as it's almost guaranteed 80% will cry off and you'll be left with just a few random people.

I would love to find a new friends but I do find it difficult. Anyone live close to high Wycombe perhaps?

I'd just focus on making some new ones!

Are there any walking groups/meet up groups/gym classes you could join?

Yes, completely relate. It's really disheartening and has affected my self-esteem.

I feel so much better reading that this happens and it isn't just me! My especially flaky friend has just messaged to say ‘we must meet up soon.’ She has cancelled so many times, it is unlikely to actually happen. I have lost faith. I think expanding my interests and making new friends is the way to go!

If I did live near High Wycombe, I’d meet up.I hope we all find reliable friends.

Since my last post here, I've discovered a 'friend' I helped extensively with a project that has now finished has blocked me! Her last message to me was 'thank you so much for your help xx'. I don't feel I can trust anyone enough to invest in a friendship anymore.

Pure flakes op. Gave up myself either cancel or not follow up plans. Got this text in may hi mary childmind this week thanks for message will meet u another week. Then nothing. I just feel people not sincere now or they cancel.

Yes its hard thats awful @voiceofastar I have a friend I walk with. She said same people really flaky. Op if they cancelling they should be call out on it if its a habit

Yes I can totally relate to this so not just you. I also think it is down to either people becoming more introverted since Covid or ease of communication meaning cancellation is easier. There are a few friends who are totally reliable so I make more effort with them now.

Its not you, this kept happening with my close friend, she started to take days to reply, id always arrange to meet up and she would cancel, became totally one sided and one day after practicaly begging her to come and see my new born and she cancelled again, i realised i was being dumped. When i stopped bothering, she went on to delete me off sm lol how grown up. Not a cross word nothing, i just stopped doing the chasing. She wasn't a real friend, and actaully now I've realised she love bombed me. I adored her and she dropped me.

That is fucking appalling. I'd be tempted to go and see her and ask for an explanation.

Boy can I relate. I am the official "highly organised" organiser and I am sick of flakey friends. I distanced myself from them all and now only do group meetups like book clubs. i actually prefer one on one or small groups, but I don;t want to be cancelled on.

Also can I say for the flakey here, even us organisers get tired of organising.

@whatamess100 i've been on a big "meeting people" exercise and that's definitely a thing.

@voiceofastar So sorry this happened to you.
MN was very helpful for me understanding that it wasn't just happening to me, the type of weird thing you mention. You help, then get dropped.

I mean quite honestly, it's as if they've put something in the water to make people go bonkers and all think friendship isn't important anymore.

And people seem to think it's normal to treat so-called friends very badly now.

I don't want to hijack OP thread, sorry

But I don't know how to stop the hurt and I don't want to invest in friendships again either.

Not high jacking at all, it’s good to share experiences.

Yep people just use you. My cousin went back to work. I was always flexible and loved meeting. Now busy busy busy. Lesson learnt here do not get over involved with anyone. We have school mam group so i let someone else arrange it now lol

Regarding your group of friends who only meet up if you arrange it - if they generally turn up, and enjoy it when they do, I'd say they're grateful you're arranging it. Often in a group of friends there's an 'arranger. Either because they're more organised or have a bit more time, or like making plans. It doesn't mean the others don't enjoy meeting. I've got an old friend who always used to do all the arranging. I used to feel guilty, but she just got around to it before I did. In that case, it was because she LOVED girls nights out, and I had DCs so it was more complicated.

Then she had children, mine grew older, and I became the organiser.

So I don't think they are necesarily a problem - unless you're sick of suggesting and organising, in which case you talk to them about it, or just don't plan anything for a bit. But you might decide that would be cutting your nose off to spite your face.

As for your super flaky friend.... that's on her, not you. I'l step back, and let her plan something if she wants to.

I find people dont suggest a new date or cant make the date u offer. Just alot hard work. I took a big step back in friends was all one sided.