Friends frequently cancel or ignore messages

[VirginiaGirl]

I’m starting to think that I must surely be the problem.

I have given up trying to arrange to meet my closest local friend (we live 10 min. walk from one another). She’s cancelled last minute more than 5 times in the last year. Or has said she’d pick me up at a certain time, that time passes with no word until hours later when I might receive a ‘sorry about today, something else came up…’ We used to meet at least once a week.

Other small group of friends meet every few weeks but only happens if I arrange it. So now wondering if they'd rather not meet! Though all seem to enjoy it when we do.

Twice made arrangement with a cousin who messaged last minute to change the time to later as they'd received an (obviously better) offer to meet with other friends!

Other friends in general just don't seem keen on meeting or even bothering to reply to a text/Whatsapp.

Colleagues assure me that they experience the same kind of thing and it’s not just me. Is it just much easier to cancel nowadays with instant communication? Are people just exhausted and lack the energy to socialise? I’m not hugely sociable myself but I do miss a drink with a good friend or a nice walk. I know people have busy lives, as do I. I am starting to think it is best not to bother people as it hurts when they don't reply, cancel last minute or want to fit me in around a better offer.

Can anyone relate?

I think it's also because we don't arrange things by phone these days, it's all done on messaging which is so inefficient and hard to keep track of.... One person suggests a date, long wait, the other person gives an alternative, long wait, etc. whereas on the phone it's all done and dusted in one conversation 🤷

I feel the same and just wanted to add that it sucks even more when the person who flakes on you seems to find time to meet other people.

I’m exactly the same! I’ve only got one friend who I see once a month! People cancel
on me all the time and I’ve accepted it and give up! One of my once really close friends i haven’t heard since Jan! I texted her on her birthday but nothing ! I’m content with being on my own and my family but also I do think people has the green eyes monster a lot ! I sometimes wish I had a group of girl friends but most women nowadays are flaky so don’t take it to heart

Yeah it's a bit shite. I just think we live in a digital world now and many people just want to socialise online. I notice it at work. No one talks on their break they're all on their phones.

also life is just so fucking busy. I have never been so busy. Up at 5am to work, 2 hours to wrangle kids to bed, more work in the evenings, sick parents, expectations of stupid grooming shit like having to get my nails done, evening work events, take the car to the garage, clean out the hamster, blah blah blah... Going out costs the thick end of 90 quid with drinks and transport With perimenopause I am simply too tired.

It’s a combination of all the things you mentioned, OP.
I think the friend who let you down five times is a bit of a pisstake, but generally a combination of exhausting lives, too many demands in our attention and the ease of sending a WhatsApp to cancel last minute rather than have to front it out with a call all contribute.

I’m guilty of being a bit of a flake at times, too. I find life very demanding and tiring. Full-time, full-on public sector job + kids (one with SEND) + trying to be a good wife/daughter/sister, keep my house clean, do a bit of exercise, sleep, not go mad (!)…leaves little energy to socialise. I sometimes overcommit and then realise I can’t possibly do it all. It’s shit, but it’s reality.

Today I am annoyed because a friend 10 minutes away asked me if I wanted to meet. Not seen her for months. I said yes and she has ignored my message. I mean, if you are so busy busy busy why did you ask me to meet?

Everybody is an utter flake, and I am fed up of it. And of phone friendships.

I'm avoidant possibly due to anxiety and a shit load of bad experiences. It's something I have to work on but I'm not a flaker. I had one who was and she always managed to see her other friends. I didn't have as much to offer quite obviously. She was a total shit head so she did me a huge favour. She would paste every moment lived except sitting on the loo it seemed on FB.
I grew apart from "my group" and started to see they were actually bitches and unpleasant, self absorbed people. Who knows I could be projecting 😂

I keep trying to arrange to see my best friend but he seems to be working most weekends or busy. Evenings I'm knackered. He does have a wedding to pay off which I know wasn't cheap and he'll still be paying in 4 years time.

I think in general people have become more isolated since the cost of living crisis. I've also bailed on a few things due to my mental health/anxiety being off kilter. Other times I go out and have an amazing time.

However there are friends I just can't he bothered with anymore, I have nothing in common with them now so I've stopped messaging.

Yes people are def flaky. I met a school mam last year we met in primary. Took her weeks to commit. 2 solid friends thats it. I do alot on my own as people let you down. But I agree everyone stressed work then visit elderly wends are gone.

Not an issue for me. I’d bin friends who cancelled

@Issy23 green eyed monster is something that only occurred to me recently

@SwiftlySwiftly not sure what people mean when they say they are avoidant

@xxSideshowAuntSallyxx did you just stop seeing the “nothing in common” ones? I think my parent friends feel that way about me. The friends they keep are parents too.

There’s no point banging your head off a brick wall. With the worst offenders, leave it up to them to contact you and arrange stuff. It might be that they don’t really want to do what’s on offer.
My friends always want go to the worst places that we’re about 20 years too old for and have to get dressed up to the nines for (but I say no in the first place rather than string people along and let them down at the last minute). I prefer to just meet up in a quiet pub or coffee shop for a chat.

What sort of arrangements are they ducking out of?

God it’s dystopian isn’t it! 🤦‍♀️

@EmeraldRoulette I have DC and have many child free friends. Admittedly my DC are grown. We have much in common.

@Lentilweaver that’s how I hoped things would be. I suppose I’m just looking for explanations.

@Mmhmmn yes and ironically I’m more driven to MN because of it.

As I said up thread, I’m meeting people but it’s mostly underlined a lot of the stuff said here.

I find plans not followed up. Cant meet u x week I be in touch. Nothing. Bit disheartened with it. You shouldnt have chase. As another said no reply to texts. Flaky

@Lentilweaver what @Mary46 said is probably like your local friend

again it took me ages to realise this but some people like to suggest meeting up but have no intention of doing it. There was a thread where posters admitted to being that person and said “it’s well meant”.

Yes just time wasting isnt it. I suit myself alot more now. I think people dont want meet or suggest dates.😐